:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Friday, July 30, 2004 ::

my oh my...it's already the end of july!

right now i am temping and a corn seed company in El Paso, IL. needless to say, death has become an option when taking into consideration the corporate world. if i'm not already on my way to some serious health conditions from sitting in this cubicle.

well, not really.but this experience has led me to a realization...i don't know if i can do any old 9-5(or 8-4:30 if you will).i think i would end up slitting my throat or something. i don't just want to be driven by money. some people are ok with going in, doing there work, leaving and collecting their payjob at the end of the week. their motivation is money. thier job isn't what they really want to do and while it may not be horrible, it's not the best but they put up w/ it cuz they get a nice paycheck. i can't do this. yes i will be gettin some cash money today but the agony of this week isn't worth it. some people are okay by working solely so they get money. that is what i'm doing right now, and it bothers the fuck out of me.

this entier week has been draining...it makes me nervous about becoming someone who just goes through the motions of working an 8 hour day, doing a job that isnt satisfying to themselves and on a large scale, does not make a difference...i'm coming to see that a lot of people who graduate from college enter the workforce in that type of job. there is nothing>wrong with a 9-5 office job...i just know for sure nowi wouldn't be satisfied with it. i want a job that i enjoy overall, that challenges me, and works my creativity. i know i will never find a job where things always run smoothly; i would like a job that i am proud of, makes a difference in peoples lives, and that really stretches my mind, and makes me a better person. i would like to meet people that are like myself and challenge me in my work and to be a better person. sometimes this all sounds like wishful thinking...but i'm really going to work my ass off to get a job that i love.

in conjunction to this depressing temp job...i have a polar opposite opportunity that has shed some light on this dark week. i am beyond thrilled because i am interning for the wonderful
SAbriNa~!~ She is absolutely one of my favorite authors/artists and i'm really praying that this internship will be a foot in the door into (a) working for sabrina (b) the art scene (c) a move to california and (d) a new network of amaZing REAL people. now, the art scene, just like the music scene, can be very elitist and hard to deal with. but what i'm doing now is nothing like that...and this is the avenue that i would love to stick with.

So i've been working on projects for sabrina. last week i was busy busy with paul's final portfolio for his photo 2 class(you can see his portfolio that i'm in for his photo 1 class on my myspace profile...if you haven't joined myspaceyet...getoinit. you're falling behind...

And tonight we start shooting for my friend J's movie...it is called Late Afternoon of the Living Dead...a zombie movie, yes; but J is a phenomenal writer and my friends are extremely technically inclined...i think it will be a great production. i am starring as the goth girl...and i get to live in the end...which means i get to be in the next one...how much does that rule.

my infamous 21 is coming up. godammit i'm getting old.

i should get back to work...i will most likely be fired for this.

well, not really

currently reading: The Anxiety of Everyday Objects
musiconthebrain: Joss Stone; Fell in Love with a Boy
just finished: house sitting for Paul's parents. got to hang out with 4 cats all week :)

i must be fine cuz my heart's still beating.



stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:40 AM [+] ::
...

"But the civilization of the spectacle is cruel. The spectators have no memory--because of that they also lack remorse and true conscience. They live tied to what is new, and it doesn't matter what it is so long as it is new. They quickly forget and scarcely blink at the scenes of death and destruction...We are condemned to this new version of hell; those who appear on the screen and those of us who watch. Is there an escape? In order to attempt it, we must turn off the televsion, close the newspaper or the magazine, and go out for a walk. But walk where? Outside or within? It doesn't matter if it is through the streets of our city, populated with pahntoms like ourselves, or through the imaginary plazas of dreams explored with eyes closed, unconscious in the cold light of dawn". -octavio paz in The Zapatista Reader (highly recommended thus far)


stellar lady:: naughti 11:54 PM [+] ::
...

Kilgore Trout, incidentally, had written a book about a money tree.  It had twenty-dollar bills for leaves.  Its flowers were government bonds.  Its fruit was diamonds.  It attracted human beings who killed eachother around the roots and made very good fertilizer.
 
So it goes.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:03 PM [+] ::
...

"Late, by myself, in the boat of myself,
No light and no land anywhere,
Cloudcover thick.
I try to stay
Just above the surface,
Yet I’m already under
And living
Within
The ocean.”
~Rumi


stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:53 PM [+] ::
...

"How nice~to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."
~k. vonnegut.
 
currently feeling: lathargic
currently reading: Slaughterhouse five
music on the brain: Incubus
movie to see:  Napoleon Dynamite
 
i'm trying to focus but my eyes deceive me.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:58 PM [+] ::
...

ladies, you are truly stellar...

yes, b. boyd is a fresh of breath air and nicole is a lucky lucky women...he is everything we imagined..and more.


stellar lady:: naughti 10:20 AM [+] ::
...

check dis out.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:16 AM [+] ::
...

my stomach still aches from the chorizo incident. but ladies it was an excellent, long-awaited get together. i have missed you both and i want to thank you; you guys are a breath of fresh air.
~
Just A Reminder

1: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

2: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

3: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.

4: You have the right to change your mind.

5: You have the right to make mistakes--and be responsible for them.

6: You have the right to say, "I don't know."

7: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

8: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

9: You have the right to say, "I don't understand."

10: You have the right to say, "I don't care."
~

just because sometimes we forget how much in control we are of our own lives.

Go heRe and hEre.

just finished: Prozac Nation
starting: Slaughterhouse Five
feeling: the need to start something new.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:20 AM [+] ::
...