:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Saturday, June 28, 2003 ::

currently feeling: distracted and disconnected
currently consuming: V8
book just completed: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

aMazing book; i finished it in two days. go buy it.

music on the brain: Coldplay; Green Eyes

quote of the day: "I certaintly do not hope to alter the world. Perhaps i can put it best by saying i hope to alter my own vision of the world. I want to be more and more myself, as ridiculous as that may sound." ~Henry Miller
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:58 PM [+] ::
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yo yo yo...greetings from california.....sitting in my cousin's sublime adorned room listening to some good tunes....listen ladies...i've decided we're moving here. mountains, beaches, perfect weather, and beautiful men....why are we living in illinois again? wuwh stellar hotties!


stellar lady:: naughti 1:07 AM [+] ::
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"People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the waves of the sea, at the long course of rivers, and they pass by themselves- without wondering." -St. Augustine

i´m sitting here at the locutorio and i´m grateful cuz lupe has miraculously decided to install airconditioning, PTLNAF...let me tell ya, its been 97-100 degrees here in madrid and when you have six people in a tiny apartment, no airconditioning, no fans(!), any opportunity to get out of the piso is taken advantage of...so i´m spending some time at the locutorio...and while it can get very hot in chicago, let me tell ya, we are lucky enough to have airconditioning available in every building we enter. in madrid? hell no, and usually those buildings that do have airecondicionar, its definitely not enought to cool off the capactiy of people in the room. the worst thing? THE METRO. i can rant about that to you some other time. sorry for the minor side track...trying to write a reflection type piece here...so lets see how it goes...

honestly though, i´m just in complete awe of how my time here in spain has flown by. and i´m really finding it hard to think of words to describe my emotions about this trip...so i´ll have sabrina help me out. but i must say that this was the experience of a lifetime and i am luckier than shit to have had this opportunity...it really has been amazing and i wouldnt trade it for the world...in the end i´m just very humbled and very grateful.

i have met an innumerable amount of amazing people. i´ve been touched by these lives i didnt know existed. by people i couldnt possibly think up in my head. being in madrid and travelling has really been like a vacation and i´ve had a lot of reflection time. i really liked being quiet and not hearing english being spoken--just looking.

i feel so different than when i left. the aching girl who felt so lost and burnt out and lost in her own self has healed -- something has shifted in me. i feel so strong. i am not afraid of life hurting me.

the more i´m writing, a) the more i realize that i dont know how to write in english(i´ve been working on this blog for over a half hour, rewriting sentences cuz they didnt make any sense) and b) the more i wish i could perfectly articulate and relay every single detail and anecdote of my journey. but thats impossible to do. maybe i should have been blogging more and been more detailed. but this time away from the computer has really done me some good. some of you may be thinking to yourselves that i´ve still been blogging and emailing quite frequently; but i really havent. you dont know how bad the addiction was antes de este viaje. another thing; i´ve noticed and it has been pointed out to me that i seem to have a stuttering problem when i start to talk in english. if you witness this; please refrain from laughing, as we do not want to permanently damage my social-verbal communication skills.

i feel a surge in me to remember all i have learned on this journey; while it won´t be relayed here, i know it will leak out over the next days and months.

trust yourself.

i have learned to wait a little longer, that i can take my life on my backpack. i learned that i can sit by the sea and make a home for myself. i learned that i could make due with situations i used to think i was not capable of. i reconnected to my peers from all over the world -- we are all so similar.

it will feel exciting to be back.
life feels fresh.
i feel so young and so old.
brave.
i did it. i did it. :)
i can hold things a little looser now, lighten my load of expectations. i´ve learned more about myself this year than ever before. i know how hard i can be on myself. but i also know how strong.

i hope that all made sense.

mah stellar ladies...this tuesday! i cant wait to see yas...until then....MWAH

"with nothing to learn, nothing to figure out, no mysteries, thoughts, if there is no knowledge, no fear or no love -- there is no life."

snap back to reality...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:51 AM [+] ::
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this is what it's all about

fun is running through the streets of chicago in the pouring rain with plastic urban outfitter bags as hats.....fun is going into overpriced clothing stores and trying on all of their clothes and not coming back to the annoying salesperson who wants to know if you "like this one".....fun is drinking the foam at the top of the frappe...um, yuck......fun is singing to songs you thought you knew until the other person in the car was like, "hey, what do they say at that part?"....and you realize in embarassment that you have made up the words in an attempt learn the song....fun is trying to keep entertained in 6:30 chicago traffic (when exactly does the traffic end?) by telopathically trying to get someone to call your friend's cell phone and staring back at the nasty truck driver in the next lane.....fun is getting sick on swedish fish then choking only to be relieved by a sneeze and being offered stale warm water....fun is hiding the clothes you bought and bringing down the price.....thanks to everyone who makes my life fun.




stellar lady:: naughti 12:55 PM [+] ::
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i want to escape.....i want to live on beach and have the smell of the ocean linger in my hair...i want to dance in the moonlight with sand between my toes....is that so much to ask?

next destination: my bed
stellar lady:: naughti 11:03 PM [+] ::
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mmmmbleh....exámenes finales...estrés....menos de una semana....¿donde se fue el tiempo?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:07 PM [+] ::
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all you can drink sangria for € 8 = Trouble and a neverending hangover. vale la pena, ¿no?

tengo menos de dos semanas en europa. its time for one last hurrah.

el próximo estación: Ibiza

Balearic Islands; here we come!
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:10 AM [+] ::
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mad props to coldplay for trying to make a difference in our world....not only are they extremely talented but they are maintaining their responsibilities as humans....a small piece of advice that saves lives-- drink and buy Fair Trade coffee. and yes, u can still get your trendy drinks at starbucks....but even better for a good cup of fair trade coffee in the chicagoland area try Che's Cafe on taylor street....independently owned and beautiful tomas (un accento, por favor) will hook you up with some delicious food.


stellar lady:: naughti 11:28 PM [+] ::
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they're not waiting around
on the first bus out of town
they're playing movies
that we've already seen.
the jewelry advances
as the gums recede
the devil goes out dancing
on the angels' perceived needs
please go easy on me.

insurance can't cover
what the world's exposed
open nerves.

music on the mind: les savy fav

can you conceive of
working for the
emporor's new clothes?



stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:20 PM [+] ::
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i will not worry about tomorrow....better yet i will not worry about things i have absolutely no control over. i know people cringe at the mention of destiny and fate but in reality i believe there are things that cannot be controlled. we take little steps to obtain what we want in life, but where we end up is not up to us. sometimes we have no control, and we can plan things out so perfectly but many times something takes us along a different path and changes our lives forever. our lives can change in seconds. here i am, 20 and half years old and i am not even close to where i thought i would be at this age. but i am greatful. i've decided to have no expectations of myself. no "by the time i'm 25 i want to..." i don't know what career i'm going to have, i don't know if someone out there can love me, i don't know if i can change the world.......so i'm not going to worry. i'm just going to work my butt off to obtain what i want in life and hope to end up in a beautiful place where i'm happy and the people i love are happy.


stellar lady:: naughti 11:20 PM [+] ::
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"i want to unfold. i dont want to stay folded anywhere because where i stay folded, there i am a lie." -Rainer Maria Rilke

give yourself permission to dream different dreams. take time to dream bravely about your life and let those dreams fall outside the lines. walk throught your neighborhood at sunset, with your walkman turned up, and just wander, with no direction. just look, watch. this is what you do when you travel alone. walk till you find a place where you can see the view from a different perspective...at a cafe or a slab of sidewalk heated by the sun. so much of the time we dont look closely and quietly at where we spend out lives. look at the details. find quiet in the tiny bits of life right around you. take a hot bath, put on a good mix cd, get out your journal and write for 20 minutes without lifting your pen. get down as many dreams of your life as you can...

trust being basic. in your body...from the inside out. get yourself comfortable...whether its deep socks and comfy pants....or staying off the computer a bit more and sitting in the grass a little longer(this has done me wonders)...and definitely pick up a book instead of zoning out to the television. give yourself some time...trust your voice. trust your gut. trust the still empty places in your heart.

speak up. speak up when you disagree. speak up when you love. speak up when you dont understand. speak up when it hurts. speak up when you need help. when we speak up, we become more of ourselves. trust that you are unfolding as you should. and when the growing pains hurt...trust those times even more.

i am here. where do you want to be?

stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:54 PM [+] ::
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