:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Saturday, March 29, 2003 ::

adios mi amiga....

where has the time gone? if you haven't heard my theory on the gremlins controlling the time, let me know i'll be glad to let you know why some days go by quickly and others drag on forever. three months ago we were saying how you had such a long time before you went to spain...anyway, sam i'm going to miss you but i'm so happy you're doing this. all of your fears will vanish soon, i promise. you are in a perfect place in your life, and although you are not going to be around the people you love, you will have the best company of all...yourself. it's amazing what one can offer herself.... i'm not going to get sappy, i know i kept saying i didn't know what i would do without u...but on a real level, i'll be fine and so will you....i love you dearly...and you know i love spanish men and shoes (place in whatever order you choose)....and make sure you take advantage of this opportunity because not many people can do what you're doing. so adios my beautiful canadian friend (aye!)....con carino....


stellar lady:: naughti 10:21 AM [+] ::
...

i quit the internet

well, for the time being atleast. the time has come and i'm off to spain tomorrow. it doesnt even feel real. its quite an odd mixture of emotions. i really can't think of any prolific schpeel. next time i appear on this blog i will be half a world away. i'm so glad that i'm doing this. living in spain is something i've always wanted to do. though i didnt purchase the eurail pass; i want to be in europe and see how strong the anti-american vibe is. obviously its prevalent, but if its strong enough where my safety is in jeapordy...then that will inhibit my travel plans. it will be a bit more expensive to purchase travelling tickets over in europe...but hopefully i will be dropping a line from italy or switzerland. here i go.

i would also like to note that i am the best suitcase packer ever. everyone i was talking to kept asking...'oh, are you finished packing yet?'...i replied with "uhhh....havent started yet." so i was extremely apprehensive that i was goin to be up till ungodly hours finishing packing...but alas; it really only took me two hours. i just have a few things left that will be packed after i'm done getting ready. go me. i am a brilliant, time-efficient multitasker. please everyone, hold your applause till the end.

why must i go to spain? because it is there and i am here. lost is where i'll be found. everything is just beginning. life is rushing past me, sweeping me up for the ride and i am happy. life is fast forwarding. and i'm pushing play. and then record. you should too.

well, blogger is having some deep internal error and changes to the template arent showing up. so everyone; email me at slcurti@ilstu.edu. thats the mail i'll be checking. if you would like my address/ phone number too, contact me there.

tunes The Firebird Band; The Distance

mah stellar ladies and everyone; take care over the next couple of months. stay tuned. i'm out.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:33 AM [+] ::
...

sometimes its hard to breathe at night.

the past few weeks it seemed as if the darkness was attempting to suffocate me. no matter how deeply i inhaled, i still couldnt get enough air. the core of my being ached. one night i opened a window, but the rush of cool air provided a substantial shock to my lungs instead of the expected ease of relief. my heart raced while my foot would glide off the edge of the bed, and
begin to bounce out of sheer anxiousness/impatience. the heart began palpatate at a quicker pace as each moment passed.

i watched as the numbers on the clock crawled, and they began to flash forward. i tossed and turned, fluctuated between hot and cold, as the numbers seemed to separate from the clock itself. it seemed as if time was this tangible entity, which could be defined with regards to the constraints of its surrounding reality. here, in this room, it is able to float simultaneously forwards and backwards. it was as though time, while sitting so perfectly on the nightstand, was placed into confinement, given a routine knowing no boundaries, and continued to search for a way to indulge beyond its limited definition.

with a patronizing fear[source: unknown] i flicked the light on to get a better grasp on what the fuck was goin on. the seconds continued to tick, the minitues went by, the hours accumulated, the days added up, and time, well really, it just stood still. and i gazed across the room and the box on my dresser which dictates 'time', and the whole notion of it had been completely
drained, lost, misplaced in the shuffel...

leaving no solid or comprehensible definition...

and leaving a soul to find answers on its own.

in the cdplayer: tori amos; silent all these years
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:21 AM [+] ::
...

recently an American humanitarian was killed by Israeli forces in Palestine. She was actually bulldozed in the streets of a refugee camp....may her death and efforts not go in vain....it is people like her who change the world....

The Death of Rachel Corrie
David Rovics

When she sat down in the dirt
In front of your machine
A lovely woman dressed in red
You in military green
If you had met her in Jerusalem
You might have asked her on a date
But here you were in Gaza
Rolling towards the gate

As your foot went to the floor
Did you recall her eyes
Did her gaze remind you
That you've become what you despise
As you rolled on towards this woman
And ignored all the shouts to stop
Did you feel a shred of doubt
As you watched her body drop

And as your Caterpillar tracks
Upon her body pressed
With sixty tons of deadly force
Crushed the bones within her chest
Could you feel the contours of her face
As you took her life away
Did you serve your country well
On that cool spring day

And when you went back across the Green Line
Back to the open shore
Did you think that this was just another day
In a dirty war
And when you looked out on the water
Did you feel an empty void
Or was it just one more life you've taken
One more home destroyed

David Rovics




Farewell Rachel. May your memory outlive us all.




stellar lady:: naughti 9:01 PM [+] ::
...

sometimes you just know things will be okay....and it feels good.


stellar lady:: naughti 11:55 PM [+] ::
...

It's night but I can't stay asleep
like you do, straight through till morning
when you pour my coffe and say
"Baby, all that caffeine causes bad dreams.
Where all you anxieties are unleashed."

...just drinking pots of coffee till every drop is gone...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:12 PM [+] ::
...

Hell yeah

a message from the big, bad, dred-lock rasta from ISU.....I did not write this and neither did brandon. James Griffith did.... i don't know who james griffith is but hey he had a lot of worthy things to say....also wanted to say i don't agree with the use of the "F" word at the end...lol...but i didn't want to alter his freedom of speech.

Open Letter to Mr. Bush

Thank you, Mr. Bush. Thank you for invading Iraq.
Thank you for getting my generation, supposedly the
most apathetic, politically uninvolved generation in
American history, motivated enough about your policies
to come out in the thousands against your
administration, along with tens of thousands of other
Americans. Thank you for paying lip service to the
demonstrations in this country and then ignoring any
grievance or question protestors might have. Thank you
for ignoring the millions of people in democratic
countries worldwide who protested an invasion of Iraq.
Thank you for lying about hard proof you had about the
connection between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, which
the CIA considers farfetched. Thank you for lying, or
being misleading about the aluminum containers that
could never have been used for weapons of mass
destruction, according to the International Atomic
Energy Association. Thank you for making it clear that
you never had any intention of paying attention to the
recommendations of United Nations weapons inspectors.
Thank you for claiming you had proof that Saddam
Hussein was hiding and moving his chemical and
biological weapons before UN inspectors arrived, but
never sharing that information with the inspectors.
Thank you for dismissing the legitimate international
requests for hard proof of the clear and present
danger posed by Iraq. Thank you for bribing countries
such as Turkey into accepting United States troops
against the overwhelming public opinion there. Thank
you for your disregard of an international rule of
law, Thank you for invading Iraq.

Thank you for manipulating the tragedy of 9/11 for a
foreign policy goal that had been proposed by Deputy
Secretary of Defense Wolfowitz in the mid-1990s. Thank
you for spitting on the graves and families of the
9/11 victims. Thank you for invading Iraq.

Thank you for endorsing torture as a method of
interrogation. Thank you for shipping our
uncooperative suspects to nations with higher
thresholds for what constitutes torture. Thank you for
invading Iraq.

Thank you for a humanitarian effort in Afghanistan
that was, according to retired Green Berets who
oversaw it, a total failure. Thank you for not being
able to control any part of Afghanistan except Kabul.
Thank you for pulling our troops out of Afghanistan
and letting UN troops from France and Germany bear the
brunt of the stabilization effort. Thank you for
giving Afghanistan less than 1/3 of the aid you
promised them this year. Thank you for invading Iraq.

Thank you for not uttering the words, „Osama bin
Laden,‰ in nearly a year. Thank you for invading Iraq.

Thank you for being such a foreign policy disaster
that many people in the world now consider your
administration a greater threat to world peace and
security than Al Qaeda. Thank you for squandering all
the goodwill and genuine grief shown around the world
after 9/11. Thank you for invading Iraq.

Thank you for proposing the largest budget deficit in
history, within three years of a national surplus.
Thank you for a tax cut that, according to numerous
economists, worsened the already faltering economy.
Thank you for proposing that tax cut again. Thank you
for proposing to make that cut permanent. Thank you
for ensuring that it would only benefit, in any real
sense, the wealthiest people in the country. Thank you
for invading Iraq.

Thank you for using this war to bolster the economy
now that it is clear even consumer confidence cannot
hold it together anymore. Thank you for granting
Halliburton, the company for which your vice president
was CEO and stepped down to become your ticket
partner, the contract for stamping out any potential
fires set by Iraq. Thank you for invading Iraq.

Thank you for pulling out of the Kyoto Accords and the
ABM Treaty. Thank you for not allowing any access to
the vice president‚s records on his environmental
policy meetings. Thank you for trying to eliminate
Superfund environmentally protected sites Thank you
for proposing we drill in Alaska to reduce our
dependence on foreign oil. Thank you for invading
Iraq.

Thank you for making New York City in particular and
the nation in general more susceptible to terrorist
attacks through your actions. Thank you for arresting
hundreds of citizens and legal residents with no
communication with the outside world in undisclosed
locations for indefinite lengths of time to be tried
in closed courts. Thank you for the Department of
Homeland Security, an agency whose name would not be
an unfair translation of KGB. Thank you for invading
Iraq.

Thank you for putting Tony Blair in the most difficult
position for a politician. Thank you for causing the
resignation of Robin Cook, Thank you for causing the
resignation of many highly experienced American
diplomats. Thank you for causing people to feel sorry
for someone like Saddam Hussein. Thank you for
invading Iraq.

Thank you for being the most legally dubious president
in American history. Thank you for ignoring me. Thank
you for shredding the last, miniscule beliefs I had in
the possibility of American democracy. Thank you for
invading Iraq.

You fuck.

With all sincerity,

James Griffith




stellar lady:: naughti 9:26 PM [+] ::
...

The Happiest Place on Earth

I want to pledge allegiance to the country where I live.
I don't want to be ashamed to be American.
But opportunity, no it don't exist.
It's the opiate of the populace.
We need some harder shit now, the truth is getting around,
and each public school is a halfway house.
Where the huddled masses sober up and up,
Enough?
There's not enough to fatten the cows and feed all of us.
It's just a rationing of luck.
What can't be bought gets raffled off.
Oh God, good God shed greed on thee,
your shining sea a turned dirty green from the industry off the shores of New Jersey.
I got a letter from the army so i think that I'll enlist.
I'm not brave or proud of nothing, I just want to kill something.
Too bad that nowadays you just point and click.
Swing Lo satellite, hot white chariot.
In the computer's blue glare, the bombs burst in the air.
There was a city once, now nothing is there.
Our freedom comes at their expense.
It makes sense, does it?
Dollars and cents.
They're stretching barbed wire across
the picket fence that is surrounding your housing development.
Just in case you lack the confidence.
Oh God, my God, give strength to thee, these amber waves,
purple majesty are nothing but backdrops for Disney.
Well look up close.
It is superimposed, on a blank blue screen.
It is fantasy, fucking magical.
The dream floats like a chemical through each snapped synapse.
Our television past that is beautiful no more.
No more.
~Desaparacidos
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:33 PM [+] ::
...

everytime i try to blog lately....nothing has been coming up...so here is one more try at this....first off...everyone knows (at least i hope you do) that we're probably going to war in the next few days...so just wanted to say to keep fightin' for peace (fight in this case=non-violent means)....and truly question yourself if you agree with this war.
on a different note: i've come to realize that i can't please everyone...but there are certain people that i do want to please, and i feel frustrated that i can't. for once i felt okay getting rid of some extra baggage....a lot has changed in my life and i just can't seem to do things right. so i've decided to make myself happy for once without letting others (even if they are important to me) impact me negatively. i'm going to be a little selfish with the little things in life that can make me grow. yeah.
stellar lady:: naughti 10:37 PM [+] ::
...

well......nothin much to say.....except i'm saddened to think we may be going to war in a few days....keep fighting and praying for peace


stellar lady:: naughti 10:33 PM [+] ::
...

i cherish long skirts, sandals, and wide open windows revealing the songs of birds and the smell of summer...

breathe it in...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:52 PM [+] ::
...

dos semanas hasta españa

two more weeks and i will officially have a madrid address. i'm excited/scared...both extremes at the same time...but moreover i'm ready to go. this is something i've wanted to do for a long time...live in europe, backpack through it, attending a spanish university; so when i return i will speaking spanish like no other...you think i have skills now, just give me three months. i've been idle the past months and i fell like real living is starting now....spain, europe; then i come home to move into my own place, with only two more years until a degree in communications and one in spanish. i cant believe this shit...and its goin to go by so fast. who knows what will happen after that~grad school in the city while livin in a nice posh apartment in lincoln park because i have the most kick-ass-straight-out-of-college-high-paying-job. ha, i can dream, right? well, i am very content with the way things are now and the direction they're heading. and i've never really had that feeling. but i know that everything will come together. karma baby. the cosmos is in order.

two things;

1. fuck verizon wireless. if you are not yet connected to the cellular world of telecommunications, DO NOT use verizon. naughti and nik had the sense to get out when their contract was up. why didnt i? who the hell knows; i'm kicking myself now. they charge you for phone calls that a) you did not make and b) were incoming calls. normally incoming calls simply take minutes off your plan. they should not be accumulating all these other fees. i'm going today to cut that shit off. i will not be returning to their service when i get back in the summer. i'll show verizon and their horribly overrated not to mention incessantly annoying "can you hear me now?" muse where they can shove their local and national calling plans. fuckers. sorry, so my cell will no longer be in service. call la casa. or...

2. drop me an email at my school account. after having the same email since i was, god, 15...the ridiculous amount of junk mail that accumulates each day is unbelieveable. when i return this summer i'll have a new hotmail account...my other hotmail address will be good for the next two weeks if you wish to send fanmail, loveletters, freewrites, essays, poems, links to good shit on the net, comments&suggestions, hatemail, anonymous stalker letters, threats, and/or just a line to say hello; please do. mail is fun. but after that the school address is what i will be checking in spain.and even then send lots of mail. no forwards unless they're good shit and worth my time. right before i leave i'll post my address and phone number in spain.

ok, i lied, three things...i really must be out of the loop because the city of chicago seems to have this unwritten law book of when and where you are allowed to park. personally; i think they probably make up the rules as they go or whenever they feel compelled, such as they dont like the look of the car(poor shirly; she never did anything to anybody). the city of chicago is a money hungry vulture that leeches off my bank account. off of lakeshore a quarter only gives you five minutes of parking? so they make you pay out the ass for parking and then give you a fifty dollar ticket cuz you're FIVE minuetes late getting back to your car. fucking city. sitting in rush hour traffic for two hours doesnt help either.*

currently listening to: Sorry About Dresden; On Contradiction
currently reading: Fast Food Nation...i know; i'm a slow reader. ADD is a contributing factor. it is a very interesting book and i do recommend it. i plan on finishing that before i leave at which point i will begin a book that was highly recommended to me from many sources; the collosal novel Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace; former professor at ISU. it may take me years to finish it, given my aformentioned reading abilities, but i shall do it.

*here i must note that while i did list some of the mishaps of the city; i really do enjoy taking trips there for plenty of reasons. this rant and rave was purely out sympathy for my quickly depleeting bank account.

jeremiah was a bullfrog...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:43 AM [+] ::
...

water leaving your body like rain
music
leaving your fingers like fire
and you
making it seem like nothing
like being myself was all I would ever need to be
I wanted to thank you ...but you were gone
the empty stage blinking it's wounded eye in a pulsating promise
With nowhere else to put it
I simply folded my muted gratitude into myself
and used its dark ink to write you a poem
~staceyann chin

also check out Taylor Mali. hes my favorite. read all his poems. fine works of art. and he's performing right now in normal....arg...oh well..se la vie.

and these nights i get high just from breathing
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:28 PM [+] ::
...

Regretful Recollection

in those last few weeks words began to stick to my throat and come out as lost syllables, choked, somehow broken. so i couldnt tell him how much i wanted to knock on his door, just to see if he would answer, if he would still know the sound of my breathing.

stuttering thoughts, incomplete,
i need distraction, illusion to cover me.
i cant walk forever thinking complete thoughts of...
...what?
i cant go on forever walking on the dry soil of his words...
i burn myself with memories of... of...
i will not repeat the past ever again, never again...
i need to be diluted, smoke to cover me...
~

i just finished some chai tea....yummy...
spain is very soon....the small fear has subsided and transitioned into an impatient excitedness...i am ready to lose myself in spain, in europe....i will be purchasing a eurorail ticket...so i am fortunate enough to add france, switzerland, and italy to my agenda...the reality of it all is quite tasty and goes down quite smooth...
UIC tomorrow. goodnite.
~

There is a dream in my brain that just won’t go away.
It has been stuck there since it came a few nights ago...
But now I’m confused...Do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it is more like a ghost that has been following us both.
Something vague that we are not seeing, something more like a feeling.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:54 PM [+] ::
...

talk about not getting anything accomplished this weekend...but i guess i deserve to live it up every once and a while! then again...i should say i didn't get any school work accomplished (aside from 3 hours of soc. stats, in which i got 6 problems done...yuck)...cuz i did get some socializing accomplished. well, let me try to get some more useless knowledge out of the way....


stellar lady:: naughti 10:44 PM [+] ::
...

some food for thought...

"I should stop pointing fingers;
reserve my judgment of all those public action figures,
the cowboy president.
So loud behind the bullhorn
so proud they can't admit
when they have made a mistake.
While poison ink spews from a speechwriter's pen,
he knows that he doesn't have to say it,
so it don't bother him.
"Honesty" "Accuracy" are really just "Popular Opinion."
And the approval rating is high,
so someone is going to die.
ABC, NBC, CBS: Bullshit.
They give us fact or fiction? I guess an even split.
And each new act of war is tonight's entertainment.
We are still the pawns in their game.
As they take an eye for an eye until no one can see,
we must stumble blindly forward, repeating history.
Well, I guess that we all fit into your slogan
on the fast food marquee: Red blooded, White skinned oh and the Blues.
Oh and the Blues? I got the Blues! That's me!"
~Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes

off to ISU this evening...everyone get your beer/tequila muscles on! ~au revoir~
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:15 PM [+] ::
...

no good dirty hippies

in advance please pardon my political nature.....i heard jesse jackson speak at my school today at an anti-war teach-in. he was rather impressive...even more so was the a kid in his 20's who spoke about the humanitarian work he does in Iraq. why do people feel it is unpatriotic to disagree with this war? we were given the right to speak out against our government when we feel they are doing wrong... there is no justifiable means to go to war with Iraq. our rights are slowly being taken away and we sit back and keep our mouths shut...check out the patriot act if you don't know what i'm talking about. we say we want to overthrow saddam in order to liberate iraq. shouldn't people want our help before we attempt to help them. iraqis are the only people who have the right to overthrow their government...and if we do want to help we should do it through peaceful means...so iraq has a dictatorship, how arrogant are we to say we want to enforce our way of life onto them? saudi arabia, morrocco, and many other countries don't have a democracy but as long as their scratching our backs they're ok. trust me, iraq would rather their country stay the way it is than have bombs going off day after day. imagine the psychological damage that kind of violence has on the children of the country. weapons of mass destruction...there is no evidence yet..so that excuse gets thrown out the window....other officials can guarantee they have these weapons....how so?...cuz our government has the reciepts....we are the biggest supplier of weapons, including torture weapons than any other country. our soldiers are being shot at in romote areas in the world by guns made and sold by america. i'm not a pacifist...i think in certain situations war is necessary...but sending our troops to iraq and killing thousands of civilians is not even close to necessary. as a result of the gulf war, 41% of the iraqi people don't have adequate sources of water, not to mention food. and if you are realist who thinks every country for themselves...well here's a statistic for ya...the amount of money we'll spend on this war will be three times that what we spend on education for kindergarten through 12th grade in america. i know a lot of inner city schools, neighborhoods, and homeless people (who spend their days and nights in union station) who would love to utilize the money we will use for just one bomb. so why does our government want to go to war...greed. that's all it comes down to...greed for oil and greed for power. it's not easy to weed through all the propaganda...and it is not easy to find the answers...but being ignorant and not doing anything about it is no one's fault but our own. u don't know what to believe...ask questions....yeah sit down with that weird looking socialist kid from your poli sci class. get information and form your own opinion. make time for all this, skip your favorite tv show and find some answers...it's our right and duty to go to school and work but it is also our duty to help humankind.
....again sorry for all that

"The battle will last much longer than the war" -Jesse Jackson


stellar lady:: naughti 6:36 PM [+] ::
...

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer"
~Rainer Maria Rilke
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:37 AM [+] ::
...

so things have been crazy lately...i think it will be like this for the next month and a half....that's my life for ya

a truce is what i'm calling for
we all encompass talent
no need to make each other sore

we don't make war, we are lovers of peace
give us a real enemy
and together will make tempers rise like yeast

muchas besas a mis amoras
my sisters, my soul
i love you y somos de las estrellas evermore

hahahaha........that was weird...sorry...you get the point

stellar lady:: naughti 5:34 PM [+] ::
...

ya yoooooo.......

i'm dog sitting right now for this woman dina(curse the name,::shudders::) who is kind of a space cadet....but thats besides the point...cassie is THE coolest dog you'll ever meet and dina, her flightyness aside, is really sweet....she wanted me to stay over at her house with mooey(thats cass's nickname....its a fun name to say; try it.... MOOOOEEEEEYYYYYY!....now, i bet you've got a big dopey grin on your face); so thats where i'll be for the next couple of days....its very quiet there...just me and the dog......in quite a nice, i would almost say posh, townhome....with some necessary solitude which i dont mind...sorta, .but the woman doesnt have a computer....now, come on now, really...it is a necessity in this day and age, especially for college students....i know the lady works alot, but what the hell does she do when she gets home? t.v. gets old real fast, so then what? wtf...it is possible that you all reading this are thinking to yourself...well; maybe you sam, are the one with the problem/addiction. this, most likely, is an accurate statement.

looks like i'll be in the bloomington-normal area starting thurs for the one last shabang before españa....bah, thats all for now. i'll be back to brief more at a later date.

you can't leave me if i'm already gone
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:54 PM [+] ::
...

this challenge was not
intended towards you naughti,
but since you went ahead and went there,
i do believe your rhyme is overrated and gaudy.

i could go on and on
say that facets of your scheme are copied and a bore,
but the fact of the matter
is that i do abhor
to this internal war.

i do not attack my fellow ladies,
we ought to work together to save the day,
but since you can't flow like the strum of a six-stringed guitar,
i guess we're not playin that way.

do not be jealous of my vocabulary,
and the fact that i DO NOT need to use a dictionary,
this creativeness comes straight from my brain
and my natural ability drives you incessantly insane.

you call yourself a minimalist
but you have this overblown sense of your own rawness,
your contortet mental images are amiss
leaving you to live in a world of ignorant bliss.

my my dear, your attempt was sad
it is something quite similar to a passing fashion trend, simply a fad.
and while this was quite an uncalled for attack
i do forgive and forget, and will forever have your back.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:57 PM [+] ::
...

miss samurai, i think you're calling for a duel
i accept your challenge
cuz your weak flow already got you looking like a fool
royalty has to be earned, but you were quick to call yourself a queen
you look more like a peasant
construing the most pathetic array of words i have ever seen
i have to say your effort was rather humorous, but the jokes on you
your words may be stylish
but i can utilize an emmense vocabulary too
i choose not to sleep with a dictionary, but get straight to my point
a minimalist is what they call me
no need for flowery words, just raw rhymes to rock the joint



stellar lady:: naughti 6:31 PM [+] ::
...