:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Thursday, February 27, 2003 ::

miss nadia you better watch out
cuz pete's rhymes are ill,
us stellar ladies are learnin very well
that the boys got skills!

he's been readin those books
and creatin wicked rhymes,
before we know it,
our shit won't be worth a dime!

so i contend that we set up a battle,
show them shit like a mirage,
our lyrics will be so profound
they'll want to get the hell out of dodge!

so newcomers,
oldcomers,
i challenge you
to contstrue
a flow of words
more absurd
than the previous,
you're a little devious
to challenge me
the queen
of the ill writting
mad rhyming,
compostion
competition,
this shit makes you smitten
and it was not previously written
cuz when i flow,
i go,
and you'll know
that this show
is a duel
but you'll
be made the fool
just like the joker,
singed with a hot poker.
so contact me,
i'll challenge thee,
and you'll see
when the battle is over
you'll only think you're sober
but you'll feel hungover
from me stickin a fork
in the pork
of your bum
cuz your done,
in the midst of defeat,
you'll feel beat
like a piece of meat
unable to believe
what you've seen
you wont know how,
but you will bow
down to me
for i am undeniably
the queen,
you will try to speak
but your voice is weak,
amazed by my genious
you'll realize your attempt was henious
and i will walk
while the clock
will tick tock,
"word" is what i'll say
and thats all you'll remember from that day.

touché!
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:43 PM [+] ::
...

i've discovered a new poet...he's got lots of flava and a good heart (not to mention, great hair!)....i'm lucky to have met him....
~
Most in One

Clocks aren't introductive
through life they’re always there
for they’re already ticking
when mom saw your newborn hair

but clocks are quite evasive
for it's easy to get lost
& when you decide to search
it's too late, you owe a cost

n' clocks are quite decisive
Often with minds of their own
they might just snatch your time
you need for skills to hone

n' clocks are quite subjective
Its measures gained when not required
but change the circumstances
time lacks when desired to feel inspired

but clocks are quite objective
for constant it will stay
the fairest of the judges
in any game you play

n' clocks are quite productive
for power's theirs to motivate
not a second to be tempted
it's now! you must create

but clocks are quite destructive
stare-absorbed with your own eyes
you've wasted exponential cycles
cutting off your human ties

n' clocks are quite conclusive
for they often mark the end
and if you wish this wasn't,
too bad time doesn't bend.

by-Pete Hoffman

stellar lady:: naughti 11:43 PM [+] ::
...

They are getting big. Tell all your friends.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:13 PM [+] ::
...

Anxiety attacks!! collect em! Trade em with your friends!!!
by Henry Rollins
When she leaves, when she walks away, dont you feel like a piece of porcelain? If you breathe, youll break. The nights get long. Endless long. Hard to breath. Hard to think when she leaves. You turn on yourself and try to tell yourself that its not your heart thats breaking inside. You try to tell yourself that youre better off alone. Sounds fake coming out of your mouth. Sounds like a broken bell ringing. You dont have to be a genius to get the blues. Its like a cold that you cant shake. I get em, you get em. They make you want to die when they go away, when they leave you. Sometimes you get the blues when the blues leave you. You know they were the only thing that ever really told you the truth.
~
mother trucker. i am drained and ready for bed. i will attempt to conjure a piece/update for you soon. until then, my thoughts are being held hostage. i will brief you on the fact that i will be able to complete a double major of international communications and spanish within my allotted four year college experience. go me. entonces, puedo hablar español todo el tiempo, y puedo escribir en español aqui más, y no podrás entenderme. pero, alento todos idiomas; griego, árabe, elslovaco(cual querría aprender mucha, pero esperaré después españa). así, nada más. if you understood that; groovy. if not; sucks to be you.

best show ever: That 70's Show
its brilliant, smart comedy. one of the very few out there these days.

in the end, its all nice.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:41 PM [+] ::
...

i'm getting sick of reading my poem so i decided to blog and see if it will magically make its way off of the page....nothing much going on...just made a break through with the parents about getting my own place in the city next year...it's looking good, but let's not jinx the situation. time to start looking for internships and all that other grown-up stuff. hopefully, if things work out we'll all be getting fat discount at urban outfitters starting in the fall!


stellar lady:: naughti 3:05 PM [+] ::
...

~in my sleep i grind my teeth; no surprise. until some nites i wake up with an aching jaw. perhaps i am fearful of giving voice in dreams to sentiments i choose not to express when awake.~
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:21 AM [+] ::
...

another poem....this seems to be a theme common in many people's lives right now...sad but true...

sweet addiction
you're no good for me

negative effects
i wish you came with a warning

there is no rehab for my habit
no gum, no patch
i can't find a substitute
a quick fix to suppress

my hunger
not satisfied
with the beauty life brings

i need things tainted
bro k en
a wound that will sting

oh, self-control kick in!
resisting promises rewards
i can only fall
when you loosen the cord

self-inflicted
internal pain
i began to bleed

strange how i ignored
the hurt
but these scars
i can see

sweet addiction

sweet addiction

your love has turned bitter
please, let me be.


stellar lady:: naughti 10:23 PM [+] ::
...

i am feeling very apprehensive about spain...as much as i am scared; i am excited...it didnt help this evening though that i received an email from the coordinator in spain with 'updated' living arrangements in madrid and to my demise, one of the changes included randi's relocation. so i will be living alone with Gloria. i don't mind living by myself but its just that i was anticipating encountering all these new experiences with someone by my side, to through them with me; but now i dont. the new living arrangements may be a mistake, i'll find out when i receive responses from the emails i sent out tonight. it just makes travelling a tad more intimidating.

so its times like these when i'm feeling anxious that i dig through my things and find something to calm me down....and this is what turned up:

"Wanderlust, the urge for adventure, the desire to know what is over the next hill, are like echoes in the backs of our minds that speak of sounds not quite heard and places not quite seen.

You should listen to these echoes. Take the chances and follow the voices that call you to distant places. Live, if only for a short time, the life of a traveler. It is a life you will always cherish and never forget.

The magic of travel is that you leave your home secure in your own knowledge and identity, but as you travel, the world in all its richness intervenes. You meet people you could not invent; you see scenes you could not imagine. Your own world, which was so large as to consume your whole life, becomes smaller and smaller until it is only one tiny dot in space and time. Your return a differnt person.

Many people don't want to be travelers. They would rather be tourists, flitting over the surface of other people's lives while never really leaving their own. They try to bring their world with them wherever they go, or try to recreate the world they left. They do not want to risk the security of their own understanding and see how small and limited their experiences really are.

To be a real traveler, you must be willing to give yourself over to the moment and take yourself out of the center of your universe. You must believe totally in the lives of the people and the places where you find yourself; even if it causes you to lose faith in the life you left behind.

Become part of the fabric of their everyday lives. Embrace them rather than judge them, and you will find that the beauty in their lives and their world will become part of yours. When you move on you will have grown. You will realize that the possibilities of life in this world are endless, and that beneath our differences of language and culture we all share the same dream of loving and being loved, of having a life with more joy than sorrow.

Travel, no matter how humble, will etch new elements in your character. You will know the cutting moments of life where fear meets adventure and loneliness meets exhilaration. You will know what it means to push forward when you want to turn back.

And when you have tragedies or great changes in your life, you will understand that there are a thousand, a million ways to live, and that your life will go on to something new and different and every bit as worthy as the life you are leaving behind.

Take the chance as a traveler has to take. In the end you will be so much richer, so much stronger, so much clearer, so much happier, and so much a better person that all the risk and hardship will seem like nothing compared to the knowledge and wisdom you have gained."
~Kent Nerburn

sorry, didnt mean to get too self-help sounding on ya; but its really an incredible piece and quieted my fears for the time being.

I think those times I was probably just drunk.


stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:51 PM [+] ::
...

i don't know why i keep doing this to myself...there is just something about riding the el at 7:00 in morning while wanting to puke that just isn't right. not getting enough sleep has this effect on me...and everytime i decide to stay in the city i bring on this symptoms. it's strange how i've become accustomed to sleeping in weird places...upright on trains, on trendy moveable couches in my school lounge, small areas on the floors of dorm rooms.

'if there is anything i love most, in the poems i love , it is the audible braiding of that bravery, the essential empty-handedness, and that willingness to be taken by surprise, all in one voice. it is what makes the 'human' sound to me. another soul speaking across the distance-....just because emotion--or thought--sometimes grows wordless does not imply that words fail that emotion or thought. it implies that certain textures of experience are by their nature silent.'
-jorie graham (hate her poems, but love her thoughts)

stellar lady:: naughti 10:13 AM [+] ::
...

Just make sure nothing is wasted. Take notes. Remember it all; every insult, every tear. Tattoo it on the inside of your mind. in life, knowledge of poisons is essential.

See, this is the thing about words. They are clear, specific- but when you talk about feelings, words are too stiff. They are this and not that. They can't include all the meanings.

All i've ever really wanted was that revelation; the possibility of fixed stars...
~
music on the brain: Open Road Song
currently feeling braindead

With every turn comes a new frame of mind
if I could frame my mind, where would it hang?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:36 PM [+] ::
...

here's the poem i read at the anti-war poetry reading....i wrote it pretty quickly and it is a spin off of one of my other posted poems...it's short but to the point...and it needs a lot of work, but here it is (of course there is no title...i have problem with them):
~
humanity
what does it depend on?

is the requirement
for your sympathy
a people with the same flag?

is the prerequisite
for your mercy
an alike citizenship?

we have learned
that blacks and whites
bleed alike

but our racist past
has haunted our future
a pride-filled ghost
clinging to 'one nation under God'

segregation has not died--

drenched in red, white, and blue
we are ready to fight

the lesson has not been learned--

it is not us against them
it is us against us
men against men

humans against humanity
stellar lady:: naughti 3:26 PM [+] ::
...

Happy Valentines Day.
I hope the suns out in New York.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:24 PM [+] ::
...

ok.....i know the majority of people reading this blog can't make this event for one reason or another but i felt the need to post it after finding out the true reason for holding this poetry reading. there will be a poetry reading at UIC on wednesday at 12:00...if u want to know where it is being held, e-mail me.....click on my name on the side....basically it's being held after laura bush cancelled the poetry reading that was going to be held at the white house on wednesday after finding out the poet she invited to read was going to read his poetry on peace and anti-war subjects...she said she did not want to turn the reading into a political issue, so she cancelled it entirely. so colleges all over the US are holding readings in place of the one cancelled at the white house to promote peace. so whoever is able please come or find out if your college is holding something similar.....who knows i may finally read a poem or two! i will keep everyone updated on other poetry readings......so far there are three coming up that will be worth our while.


stellar lady:: naughti 11:29 PM [+] ::
...

STRONTIUM:
it sits in your bones, it sits in my bones
and it will be there long after we are gone, strontium
i wonder whose idea it was
was it the government? was it the christian scientists? sometimes i wonder about them, strontium
dont worry on getting drafted, dont worry on world war three
everything that you're afraid of
is inside you already.
~emily xyz

currently listening to: Les Savy Fav

crawling can be beautiful
it sure beats standing still
crawling on your hands and knees
takes self-control and skill.

Dobru noc.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:06 PM [+] ::
...

dos poemas para todos....
~
the socialists came
knocking at my door again
democrats, republicans
selling their lies for a quarter
all boastfully clinging to a label

you want me to choose an affliation
to define who am?

i am a fighter of freedom
a follower of Ghandi, Marley, and Che
i am an affirmative-action loving
pro-life feminist
with a hint of pacifist--
but if you gave me a gun
i would know where to point it
i mark "other"
because i don't believe in your abstract concept of race
i want cannibis legalized
because it's the drink that's killing my generation
i'm not a protestant or a jew
so i guess i'm not on your agenda
i belong to the my-parents-work-their-ass-off-class
and reside in white suburbia
i would never put on your uniform
because your greedy causes aren't worth my blood
i don't hang a flag in my window
because my love for humanity does not depend
on stars and stripes
so which label would you like me to hide behind?
or does it really matter as long as i fill in the right bubble
on election day

~

i've lost faith in words
addictive phrases that kept me
coming back to you

you always knew what to say
a beautiful entaglement of
audible sound
surrounding my helpless body

just say the words i want to hear
in whispers
or glass shattering screams
and i'll paint the town
any shade you want

but words are fragile
they are given power through action
mr. i-was-going-to-call-you...
don't waste your breath

your words are lost
carried by the cold wind
i've stopped looking for meaning
in something that was never there

~

stellar lady:: naughti 7:50 PM [+] ::
...

you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:52 AM [+] ::
...

reality television is this bloodsucking pest that occupies the mind. its so absurdly infantile, and intellectually and esthetically insulting that my mind is absorbed by the absurdity of it. i just watch the completely predictable events unfold...

its an addiction. use your willpower and save yourself for fucksake. i'm going to read a book now.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:47 PM [+] ::
...

the poem below is by Reginald Shepherd and was published in the vintage book of african american poetry

a quick thought...
i find it kind of strange that the english language only has one word for love. we use the word interchangeably between people and inanimate objects. "i love football" and "i love you" both use the same word to describe two completely different levels of feeling... i'm sure a person can love both football and a special person in their life, but shouldn't their be a different word to describe each feeling? In arabic there is a word for love that can only be used between you and your significant other....'alishk'....what does love mean to you?


stellar lady:: naughti 4:16 PM [+] ::
...

Narcissus in Plato's Cave

The eye of the lake is on fire. Pluck it out:
a bloom of clotted blood that stains the palm
with wounded light. Sunset inflects surface tensions
with its bluster, then recedes

into the I-am-not-a-little-boy, rumors the skin
becomes
of glass. This is my heart of running water
stilled, pooled sap from snapped stems and reeds
broken by a touch, now irretrievable. (Someone

who sank centuries ago is asking me to stir
a current, someone's asking for the underside
of my blurred face. This clearing in the myth of woods
was never mine.) My fascination multiplies

these flowers out of frost and cobwebs, filaments of
morning
ice breath violates: their fragments
sink in concentric ripples. A skipped stone
bears no loss: drowned as I am

among the surfaces of things, my features
will never heal. These brackish waters
close over every sacrifice. Socrates once
told me, Know thyself. (Or twice, I can't recall.) I
wanted that

myself, but here I am with dew
and drenched red petals, a cloud in bloom.
~

alright, nat gave me this poem to post and she told me the author but i forgot. hence; i will post it as soon as the information is to be had.

i have an oncidium orchid and hydrangea that i got from work. two of my fav flowers, i was just so extatic that we got them in. they're so fucking cool; i love when we order higher end, contemporary shit. it makes my profession so much more enjoyable and my room so much more brighter.

cori signed for an apt in the city. its on clark. i'm so excited for her. it just makes me realize that this is probably the last time i'm going to be working w/ everyone here at home. i can go as far to say that it was an era for me. and also, if i hadnt gotten that job when i was 15, and met cori or anyone there, i may not be where i am today. its a crazy realization to contemplate. but after talking to cori today i feel a lot better about my apt next year; her parents gave her the same kind of shit my parents are giving me. everything will blend together; as per usual.

i'm drinking chamomile tea right now. it feels good after my long day. and i anticipate a long day tomorrow. which im looking forward to believe it or not. i enjoy being a productive member of society.

alright; enough outta me. i'm going to read and sleep now.

random thought: yesterday my fellow bloggers, myself and our friend pete went to the beloved Cafe Iguana after we visited the Museum of Contemporary Art(an awesome 'War, what is it good for?' exhibit; go see it if you have the ways and means...but i will not get into how dumfounded i am at the fact that a metal beam simply leaning against a wall can have such an underlying meaning and be considered art. dont get me started. it all depends on your definition. but definitely, an awesome experience and day), while waiting for our food to be served there was this woman in my line of sight who could have been a carbon copy of stevie nicks, just shave about 5-10 years off in age and drug addiction. and then this morning when my alarm when off, it was stevie nick's 'Landslide' playing. i love it when shit like that happens. its weird as hell and i always wonder if its suppose to mean something. my mom told me to just make sure that i dont interpret it as to do a lot of coke and get addicted to pain killers. she cracks me up. drug addiction or not; stevie rules. pyro would agree.

goodnite.

dont place your bets on me just yet
i'm only halfway home.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:32 PM [+] ::
...

hurrah! i have moved my computer into the family room where the internet connection is. now i can feed my addiction once more; atleast sufficiently. my parents computer has something against me. it lives its digital life with my frustration as its goal. so its nice to have my baby back. its a pain in the ass to switch the cords from computer to computer; but i refuse to leave my computer at the disposal of my family because i dont want any of my brothers using this machine for the late night surfing that they do. none of their sickening porn on this machine thank you very much.

i went to the mall today to meet randi's mom(the girl i'm rooming w/ in spain) to get my tickets. less than two months. the realization that i'm actually going is becoming more and more solid. i need to get my act together on this shit. especially the money aspect. i found out today that my dad has a hidden inuendo to get me to stay in the dorms again next year. ga, that makes me mad. its not goin to happen tho. he's trying to get me all stressed out about money and shit but i'll make my ends meet; i always do. but since i will be in spain through a good part of the summer, subsequently i will not be living in my apt for those three months. if you or anyone you know will need a temporary place to stay this summer in the blooming-normal area, i will be subleasing my apt. i'm almost positive all my roomates are looking for subleasers as well, so if you have a group of four people; even better. spread the word and email me if you're interested.

i heard about the nasa shuttle explosion from randi's mom. the whole situation is very disheartening. mmmbleh.

It was in a foreign hotel's bathtub I baptized myself in change
And one by one I drowned all of the people I had been
I emerged to find the parallels were fewer
I was cleansed
I looked in the mirror and someone new was there

currently feeling:anxious
currently reading: Fast Food Nation
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:09 PM [+] ::
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