:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Thursday, January 30, 2003 ::

couldn't you stay a day longer?
a friend of mine is leaving for iraq tomorrow....everyone knows how i feel about all this...i'll spare everyone my political views for now..mainly because i'm sick of talking about it. love ya kell-dawg.....may u find a cause worth fighting for...


stellar lady:: naughti 10:04 PM [+] ::
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i came across this article today which immediately reminded me of a conversation i had last semester regarding minivans. it summarizes my thoughts quite nicely on the subject. minivans, in my humble opinion, are the appitomy of social suicide by giving in to society's standards.here i will elaborate more on this article and where my strong distate came from:

i despise minivans. everything about them. from the fact that every other car you see on the road is a minivan to all the quote unquote different styles and features they offer when essentially; they are all the same carbon copy model to how minivans seem to almost seem to be a part of the package when purchasing a home in a suburb. and you will never find a minivan driving at a normal speed. the moms(and my sympathy goes out to them for they were sucked into the trap of purchasing such a vehicle and have obviously been brainwashed by not only all the sickening commercials; but the cheesy, paid on commission car salesmen who suckered them in because it is the "best choice for the safety and comfort of a growing family") are either creeping along the road; overcompensation for the feel the need to protect their children or are fucking speeding like hell, about to run you over because they are late picking up their kids from swimming lessons off to the next activity they have them engaged in. the second scenario is the worse of the two. moms like this will have no problem running you, in or out of your car, over because anyone between the age of 15 to 25 are threats to their little commodities and their perfect existence. because, ya know, everyone in that age group is on massive amounts of drugs and seeks out to corrupt children under the age of 12. i mean, isnt that everyone's goal once they hit puberty?.

but i must not forget the men, because men do get behind the wheel on minivans. usually, if it is a family outing or vacation, the man of the household will drive. otherwise, i honestly dont see it happen that often. i do know of one exception tho. i have a friend who works for a company that sells cigars and tabacco in the chicagoland area and mainly the northern suburbs. while working for them, the company offered him a minivan for performing his job but also his personal use and main mode of transporation. he uses it because it is the most economically sound choice for his bank account. free vehicle, free gas, he does not have to pay for maintenance. so this choice is acceptable. this may be true for a handfull of working men, where a minivan is a company vehicle and needed to complete their job. tho this may be the case, it doesnt mean we wont give them shit about it.

the last case of a man driving a minivan would be the really frightening ones. ex; my boss at work. he drives around in a white minivan, with his cheap sunglasses, and looks like a first class child molester on the prowl. especially being in the flower businiess and having to drive slow in neighborhoods with children really doesnt help his case any. i wouldnt doubt if he was a pettifile. while no passes or anything have been made at me or my co-workers, he has been spotted by the local highschool when school lets out. this does not surprise me though. the man obviously has no shame, as his viagra pills are delivered to the store. but thats besides the point. he is a classic case of a scary man in a minivan.

simple solution: sport utility vehicles...not that they are much better(the sickening plague of SUV's in suburbia... and how the majority of drivers turn cocky not only because they feel they are the king/queen of the road, but mainly their attitude is attributed to a deficiency in another lacking area and there is a need to overcompensate. note: this is not true in all cases, so please take no offense for if you are reading this, you are probably not part of the majoritry.) but they are definitely a rung up on the ladder. i do know many families who have fell victim to this cultural phenomenon, and my heart goes out to you. dont worry; i still love you but take no offense as i may decilne to ride in your van which has been minified.

but i hereby declare that i will NEVER be seen behind the wheel of a minivan; nonetheless be an owner of one. i refuse to give in. if by some catastrophic occurence you find this case to be true; take pity on my soul. assume that a year of drugging and brainwashing has occured and send me off to the local hospital for detoxation and rehabilitation. the only other excusable case scenario that could be is t i have committed a henious crime and since minivans are so commonplace on the road, making them the easiest getaway vehicle, i am trying to escape police custody. if this appears to be the case, you dont know me and you never saw me.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:44 PM [+] ::
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i'm getting a little frustrated with my poetry class...and here's why-- i thought i had poetry figured out. now i'm left with questions such as 'what the hell is poetry?' and 'who is really poetic?'. well, i officially have no clue so don't expect any answers. not that there is an answer. if poetry is art, and art has no limits, then poetry is everything. but if poetry is everything, then poetry is nothing ( you can see why i'm confusing myself). what makes a poem a poem? since there is an infinite number of styles of poetry, how is that you can recongnize it as a poem and not a really good paragraph or just another creative piece of writing? i'm even questioning the translated works of Rumi and Neruda...as talented as they may seem we can't truly know the meaning behind their words because it has been translated. anyone who speaks a different language knows that translations can never come out as intended in their original tongue. the translated works are still good, but are they a true reflection of the actual poet? all i know is that there cannot be a set definition as to what poetry is. you can throw out ideas that poetry must contain rhythm or description, structure or flow, but in the end only the individual receiving the poem can decide what is poetic and what is not. just as in painting, some view abstract painting as hight art, while some view it as an outlet for the talentless. then again only the creator of the poem can decide if it's a poem. all we can do is know what makes a poem 'good' or 'bad' to us. i'm sorry for rambling.....my thoughts are just all over the place...i'm sure i'll have clearer thoughts as the class progresses.

reading: nickel and dimed
stellar lady:: naughti 11:34 AM [+] ::
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Resistance is Futile

life has its maddening moments and can respond to your frustrations with a patronizing calm. sometimes you wish you could be anonymous and invisible. maybe dead. sometimes you wish that you'd kept running that night, just kept running and never looked back. there are all of those lingering hurts that you carry around like stones sewn into your pockets. and we turn things over and over in our minds, looking ofr the loose thread, the invisible seam, the crack we can pry open so we can figure out the truth. but its hard. it can be draining, exhausting, and insert-your-favorite-euphemism-here. no matter what we do; life is difficult.

you yell, you scream until your throat burns, torn by the sharp words until all you can do is swallow your consonants like they're made of warm taffy or sand. and their responses seemed like you were hearing them for the first time, in all capital italic letters, being boomed out by the guy who does voice overs for movie previews, even though you've heard their words a thousand times before. trying to explain your point of view, only receiving a blank stare from eyes beyond the realm of understanding. it was as if you'd just offered them financial planning advice instead of your heart on a platter.

my advice is to get away. even if its for half a day. but preferably for a longer period of time. it can feel like misery being tethered to this suburb. especially when you have no explanation, no answers. when you're on a battleground, you dont have the luxury of time to dwell on the various historical factors and sociopolitical influences that caused the war. you just keep your head down and try to survive it, to shove the pages back in the book, close the book, close the covers and pretend that nothings broken, nothings wrong. but dont let the sadness become a scar. dont let it or the bone deep weariness become a part of you.

tap two fingers against the window. hello and goodbye. take a step forward, even if that includes a baseball-sized eclair, ciggarettes & coffee, or a party with all your closest friends and a large available amount of alcohol; all which can arguably be the best legal antidotes for human misery. but then you need time to think, to know your own mind before the chorus starts. have faith in the life you're living and the direction your walking. you are almost there.

everyone has history. everyone has baggage, carries parts of their past around. but its easier to let an adventure unfold than to spend much more time reflecting and trying. okay, so here you are, you are here. and you move forward because thats the way it works; thats the only place you go. you keep going until it stops hurting, or until you find new things to hurt you worse, i guess. and that is the human condition, all of us lurching along in our own private miseries. but..as i recall...it gets old and it goes away. you grow up. you learn.

embroider each story from your own personal stash of anecdotes. share your stories so that others may be enlightened...or something along those lines...i dont remember exactly how it goes. but relieve your head of the buzzing static. it doesnt keep you safe, cant keep the wolf from your door. one big lesson is that things happen, and you cant make them un-happen. you dont get do-overs, you cant roll back the clock, and the only thing you can change, and the only thing it does any good to worry about, is how you let them affect you.

nik~i'm sorry for the hurt goin on inside you. things will get better, i promise. and remember that i am only a phone call and a few blocks away...

update:
a weekend away at ISU and i feel rejuvinated. i missed everyone in normal and a weekend with them was exactly what the doctor ordered. it was filled with friends and laughter, late nights and parties, and not to mention morning grogginess accompanied by a few bruises which i unknowingly acquired. these are all ingredients which you can mix, bake at 325 degrees, and let cool for a few days. then, you will have a tasty memory to feast on for the week to come. i couldnt have asked for a better time. my next visit which shall be after valentines day. i cant wait.

otherwise i'm back home in the groove. going to have to go through the motions of another hallmark holiday denoted as one of the biggest money makers in the floral industry. gag me with a fucking spoon. and damn all those romantic idiots as well. but maybe this will be the year which will turn off the negative light i've cast on the first half of february, which is endured through a tired, not to menntion cold, sleepless haze. then again, maybe not.

Quote(s) of the Day

"CBS is the network for viewers who like thier food prechewed."

"Star 69(now mainly caller ID) is the bane of human existence. just think of the generations of pubescent boys who are never going to be able to make hang-up calls to the girls they've got crushes on. think of how they'll be stunted."

book just completed: Good in Bed by Jenifer Weiner
music on the brain: Man and Wife, The Latter (Damaged Goods) by Desaparacidos...an excellent band who has observational commentary about urban development, the sacrafice of human value for the dollar bill, and the new American Dream.

much love to all~mwah~

love is nothing, nothing, nothing like they say.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:21 PM [+] ::
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nik........i feel ya and you know it
the saddest part of the matter is that we will never be free of this burden....yes a burden...as selfish as that sounds because we are grateful....it has come to feel like a stick is stuck up our butts. we are bound and suffocating by a friendly hand....and just when we think we have broken the parameters binding us, we realize we have been fooled once again. feel free to place your sadness within me....because you are not alone.
stellar lady:: naughti 6:25 PM [+] ::
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upon request....
before i put this article on here, let me explain it a little. i was asked by a friend of mine to write a rather humorous opinion article for our college newspaper. i felt rather shallow writing the article, but it's all in good fun. to be quite honest, you can wear whatever you want and i could careless...everyone who knows me knows that i don't judge people according to what they wear. ok, enough defending myself...enjoy...i warned you it was long....


I feel inclined to offer a bit of advice to the opposite sex, in this case all the males out there. Everyone has their gripes in fashion, but upon talking to numerous females, there is one that sticks out as extremely tasteless yet easily fixable.
I consider myself a fairly low maintenance female, but after working in retail for over four years, I find the need to offer my clients and other guys a seemingly shallow piece of advice—throw out your tapered pants!
If the size of the bottom of your pants leaves people wondering how the hell you were able to fit your monstrous feet in them, then you are suffering from the tapered-pants syndrome. Even more appalling is having the audacity to wear tapered pants with horrendously huge gym shoes. Is there really a need to wear high-top Air Force One gym shoes outside of the basketball court?
Although tapered pants do not hinder your likeableness and great personality, it does leave others shaking their head at your fashion mishap.
The saddest part of the matter is that this seemingly small mistake can ruin the entire look of a potentially good-looking guy. But not to worry, there are a few solutions to the problem.
I understand the majority of college students do not have the cash to adorn their wardrobe with perfectly faded Armani jeans, but almost every jean manufacturer is now making wider, more fashionable jeans for men. In fact, I honestly don’t know where tapered jeans can be found! If money is really tight, hit the local thrift stores and pray that the previous owners of such clothes had a better sense of fashion than you.
If you find yourself having to decide between spending your money on a new pair of jeans or your books for the spring semester, there is one last resort. Grab a pair of scissors and carefully cut the sides of your jeans about a half of an inch on each side. This will allow for your jeans to fall a little less snug around your shoes, not to mention allow for some blood circulation to and from your ankles.
So, unless you are a guy that listens to punk music and own a pair of black Converse All-Star gym shoes, most likely you cannot pull off the tapered-pant look. Do yourself a favor and retire your 1980 inspired pants, grab a girl friend and get to shopping.



stellar lady:: naughti 9:45 PM [+] ::
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"Love is the reason."
"No, love's not the fucking reason. its a four-letter word that sells life insurance and hair conditioner. you owe me one."

its a funny thing about the modern world. for example; you hear girls saying "yeah, he fucked off and left me. he didnt love me. he just couldnt deal with love. he was too fucked up to know how to love me." now, how did this happen? what was it about this unloveable century that convinced us we were, despite everything, eminently lovable as a people, as a species? what made us think that anyone who fails to love us is damaged, lacking, malfunctioning in some way? and particularly if they replace us with anything or anyone else--then we call them crazy. deluded. regressive. we are so convinced of the goodness of ourselves, and the goodness of our love, we cannot bear to believe that there might be something/someone more worthy of love than us, more worthy of worship. greeting cards routinely tell us everybody deserves love. no. everybody deserves clean water. not everybody deserves love all the time.

it seems to me that people make the mistake of trying to love another person as if that person were an island and they were shipwrecked and they could mark the land with an X. it seems to me it is too late in the day for all that.

i apologize for relaying the more cynical viewpoint. its just hard to ignore the enourmous web people spin to catch themselves.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:21 PM [+] ::
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stop the war...
it is our right and our duty as citizens of the world to prevent injustice....the world is watching as our high officials greedily prepare for war. we are the people....we have to speak up and take action against the aggressors of nations who have nothing. not only will this war kill citizens of a country who has seen nothing but terror since the gulf war, but our friends and family will be the one's fighting and dying as brave soldiers without a cause. spread the word, write to officials, stand out in the cold and protest....the world is watching...let's do our part.
stellar lady:: naughti 8:21 PM [+] ::
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Now, the average school student today is aware of the complex forces, movements, and deep currents that motivate wars and spark revolutions. but when he was in school the world seemed far more open to its own fictionalization. history was a different business then: taught with one eye on narrative, the other on drama, no matter how unlikely or chronologically inaccurate. According to the schema, and the Russian Revolution began because everyone hated Rasputin. the Roman Empire declined and fell because Antony was having it off with Cleopatra. Henry V triumphed at Agincourt because the french were too busy admiring their own outfits.

"ahh, now, you see, we've been through this, and my thought is this: there's no smoke without fire," he would say, looking impressed by the wisdom of his own conclusion. "know what i mean?" this was one of his preferred analytical tools when confronted with news stories, historical events, and the tricky day-to-day process of separating fact from fiction.
there was something so vulnerable in the way he relied on this conviction, that i never had the heart to disabuse him of it. why tell him that there can be smoke without fire as surely as there are deep wounds that draw no blood?

it wasnt the full story. the matters can be fully investigated but the fact remains: full stories are as rare as honesty, precious as diamonds. if you are lucky enough to uncover one, a full story will sit on your brain like lead. they are difficult. they are long-winded. they are epic. they are full of possibly particular information. you don't find them in a dictionary.

the truth does not depend on what you read. like a whisper by an intoxicated, incompetent person, the truth can be passed down a line of subsequent historians, and it begins to mutate, bend, and receede as the whisper continues. then it becomes a story which clings like a gigantic misquote, as solid and as seemingly irremovable as a misconception which was created solely to uphold a person's reputation and his/her overblown sense of their own importance.

well, lets not get into the nature of TRUTH. then you do not have to draw with my cheese and i can avoid eating your chalk. but the truth is the truth, no matter how nasty it may taste.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:00 PM [+] ::
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there should be a rule or something against starting your day before the sun is up...
stellar lady:: naughti 4:11 PM [+] ::
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just a quick thought...

you will never know sadness
in your shallow world,
you only cry for yourself
shed your image
the falsities that you think define who you are

let me tell you about a guy by the name of jonathan....i don't feel bad speaking of him because no one really knows who he is...but i'm sure everyone can relate to his character. jonathan will make his visits to my workplace to talk about his weekly adventures consisting of club-hopping and his newly purchased outfits. now don't get me wrong, he's not a mean person, but i stood there listening to him describe how good he looked in a cowboy hat and boots and i pretended to be interested. the whole time his mouth was running i couldn't help but stare at his curt cobain vintage t-shirt hanging over his armani jeans, not to mention his female accessories (he claims they only make cool jewerly for women) and his bling, bling sunglasses. i don't know how curt would feel being draped over perfectly faded, over-priced jeans in order to make a fashion statement, but i thought it was ironically hilarious. i don't think jonathan has ever heard a nirvana song, but the t-shirt topped off his look-of-the-day....rockstar! i just wonder if there is anything more to him than image. i would never judge him solely based on the clothes he chooses to adorn his body with...but his actions and topics of conversation are comparable to the depth of the water in my toliet bowl. has jonathan ever pondered world affairs or spirituality? i really don't know...but i will make it my personal goal to find out.

stellar lady:: naughti 12:02 PM [+] ::
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ya yoooooooooo....

i really have nothing to say...at the moment i cannot conjure a piece of writing for your entertainment. i shall work on that though... i think it has to do with my weeks of idleness...i have been pretty worthless. but as much as i've been giving myself shit; i'm really starting not to mind. lots of time to think. yet; this can be a bad thing. but i'll get mine when valentines day comes around. then i really won't exist.

everyone is going back to school. i miss them already. its really odd to be here at home knowing that my friends are going back to our lives at school. its like i'm missing a step. i suppose it will feel like i'm missing a whole flight of stairs when i'm in spain. but hey; i'm all about being put in different situations which have changed from the preconceived norm. it puts you in a place outside from a place you couldn't see before. amar, cleveland, tor and everyone~ i miss you guys already. luv yas and keep in touch; i'll have to make a plan to visit soon.

currently listening to: Stevie Nicks; Crystal

i turned around and the water was closing around me. pirate; that ones for you.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:41 AM [+] ::
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we just want to let everyone know about a cool spot to chill...it's called Cafe Iguana on north halsted in the city. good food, good coffee, good atmosphere....just thought we would plug an independently owned business. so sick of starbucks...damn them and their trendy coffee drinks.

stellar lady:: samurai
stellar lady:: naughti 4:09 PM [+] ::
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note to mike:
sometimes there are greater barriers than distance that keep us from the ones we love. there are things that keep us from loving hard and true....and what hurts the most is that we know we have the ability to love that person and that we can make them happy. the barriers may be different for everyone....and as cliche as i may sound, there is a reason for everything. i promise you things will get better....


stellar lady:: naughti 12:50 PM [+] ::
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i honestly don't know where i have been....except that i've been lost in a constant state of rush. i won't bore anyone with what i have been up to. but today i woke up at 12:30....which is the latest i have woken up in a really long time. i woke up feeling rather sad and nauseous (one word....hookah)....my bro left this morning and i am going to miss him once again. i know it's hard to believe but i will miss his daily ritual of pulling down my pants in front of everyone.....drawstring pants are my savior. i promise i will keep blogging....things have just been kind of crazy

"all i could think about was that it had been three days since i'd touched his face. and he seemed so fine. i said to him, "you seem like you didn't miss a beat.""
"he looked at me and said, "sabrina, i've missed so many beats i've made a rhythm.""
-sabrina ward harrison...........thank u sam.
stellar lady:: naughti 2:12 PM [+] ::
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