:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Wednesday, December 31, 2003 ::

i WILL make it to midnight this year. i will.

off to blormal to ring in the 2004. it's so weird to think that a year ago i was gettin ready to leave for spain. this year has gone by faster than any other before. it always seemed that the air was right in madrid for drinking. i miss the smell of europe in the morning.

well everyone, be safe and have fun. life's to short to give a shit. carpe diem.

music on the mind: The Weakerthans; Reconstruction Site

And throw away my misery,
It never meant that much to me,
It never sent a get-well card.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:02 PM [+] ::
...

"how many names do we have for utopia? paradise. shangri-la. eden. elysian fields. el dorado. the list goes on. humans are idealistic and impractical by nature. never satisfied with the here and now, the present moment in our sullied lives, we constantly ask ourselves, "what would life be like if..?" that place where the "if" resides is literally "nowhere"--but imaginatively, it's everywhere...for me, utopia, as a state of mind, exists somewhere between the sentiments of Ken Fandell and a quote from Scott Bodenner about what utopia would be like for him: "one could raise kids well and still make stuff. and if you loved something you made, it would sell." in the end, i guess, utopia is where you find it."~annette ferrara

caught between thought, language, action, and document, between deadly seriousness and disarming humor, purposefulness and futility, the heroic and tragic, cool languor and frenetic nerdiness--i live in this indeterminant place...

how to name your look:
~ask your grandmother how you look once in awhile.
~pick the fist thing that comes to you, write it on a piece of paper, mail it to yourself, and never open the envelope.
~my look is supposed to have a name?
~develop an ego the size of staten island.

how to accessorize:
~keep it simple
~love is timeless. love is the best acessory!

how to make your daily fashion statement express your mood:
~whatever is clean makes me happy.
~if you're a super happy person, wear anything with and embroidered disney character. like a little ray of fucking sunshine, this look really lets people know exactly where you're coming from. for the rest of us, anything is charcoal gray will do nicely.
~the choice in wrap makes all the difference. ready to rumble: beat up black leather jacket that really shouldn't be worn to work (but is anyway). feeling luxe and classy: a soft baby alpaca coat. what's underneath is optional.
~you don't have to worry about this one unless you're german.

how to wear sparkles:
~if you're brave, wear sparkles and skin

>>talent/
paradise by numbers

check out TENbyTEN: SPACE FOR VISUAL CULTURE

some good shit, on tha real...

happy ::insert appropriate terminology here::, everyone.

love.

my my my
we treat eachother just like strangers
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:21 PM [+] ::
...

well, i guess i'm shit....



stellar lady:: naughti 6:10 PM [+] ::
...

your fuck.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahaha

stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:34 AM [+] ::
...

once again i'm in the same place i was about a year ago....i can't stand being by myself right now...so i called everyone i know hoping to find comfort in someone's voice...as strong as i know i am capable of being, right now i am vulnerable...weak.....i knew it was going to happen...i could feel it....i know it all too well....i know you all too well....just sad at the way perfect things never seem to work out....time to walk away once again from the strange feeling i have in my stomach....strange, strange life.....no one's fault but my own....if only you knew...if only it mattered....

"we've tried the good-byes so many days, we walk in the same direction so that we could never stray..."--Harper


stellar lady:: naughti 8:46 PM [+] ::
...

so i had an interesting conversation with my neighbor derek last night at about 2:30AM...

::knock on my door::

derek: hi sam
sam: hi derek
derek: i have a really strange favor to ask you
sam: what do you need derek
::he drunkenly giggles to himself::
derek: well...see...i was wondering if you had any tampons
::i look at him perplexed::
sam: derek...you're making me nervous here. what are you boys planning on doing with a tampon?
derek: well...see the thing is...
::he laughs; sort of embarrased::
derek: the thing is...my girlfriend is here...and we're going to have sex...but she's on her period...and we're going to do it anyways...but she'll need something afterwards.
::i look at him appalled::
sam: derek, i cannot believe you just proceeded to tell me that
derek: haha...well...do you have any?
sam: dude, you seriously want one?
derek: yes
sam: alright, hold on a sec
::i go to my room...get a tampon...and give it to him::
derek: thank you so much...serioiusly...i owe you one
sam: um, not a problem. well....have fun.
derek: thanks sam...catch you later
sam: goodnight derek
::derek stumbles back into his apartment::

moral of this story? a guy will do anything to get laid.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:28 PM [+] ::
...

my eyes hurt......reason being????...perhaps it is the 12 straight hours of studying (minus the eating and dance session)....perhaps.

why it is all worth it.....tomorrow will be my last day of science for the rest of my life....can i get an amen?!

welcome to the home-stretch




stellar lady:: naughti 1:30 AM [+] ::
...

have you ever been so overwhelmed by every aspect of your life that it pushes you to the point of sitting still?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:54 PM [+] ::
...

'so i sit alone. when the urge to call someone arises i wait for it to pass. take the pain. get stronger. get off on strength. get high on strength. fuck these half-people, half-insect fakes. tiny words. shit talking. no action. fuck you. '
~henry rollins (spanks sam :-))

oh man is this paper killing me...mostly cuz i can't just pull random stuff out of my arse...but it'll be done by tonight..i promise myself....and if i lie to myself then who can i trust?

there's something terribly beautiful about wireless interenet...


stellar lady:: naughti 6:57 PM [+] ::
...

"You must give birth to your images.
They are the future waiting to be born.
Fear not the strangeness that you feel.
The future must enter you long before it happens.
Just wait for the birth, for the hour of new clarity."

- Rainer Maria Rilke

stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:22 PM [+] ::
...

everyone...go here...sign the petition...

www.saveovertimepay.org

blogger isn't really workin right now...so i can't be all smooth with my inserted links...but this was also interesting as well...

http://electroniciraq.net/news/1225.shtml

yes, you'll have to copy and past. i know. a pain in the ass. but you can deal.

ooo ooo...visit www.brandonboydbooks.com and you'll be able to get a glimpse as to what i'm currently reading right now. teehee.

my soc paper is 7 pages. i cranked it out in two days. and it's damn good. how much do i rule. except for the fact that i didnt make it to my 9 oclock today. for this; i am worthless. but i was just so exhausted.

yup, that's all. one week left, four finals to go. time to rock and roll.

ciao.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:27 AM [+] ::
...

i know i'm not supposed to feel this way...but i do and i'm alright with that. where i'm supposed to be and where i am are completely two different places...hopefully they will overlap some day. it's never too late to figure out who we are...it just takes some of us longer than others.

currently: listening to horrible promotional music sent to the chicago flame
why i am here so early: lab done early and i'm too tired to take a nap
today: studying for my social inequality final
what i wish i were doing today: playing my guitar, drinking tea, painting, enjoying the company of those that i love.
movie to see: love, actually
why i am doing these: procrastination.

he said that i was just his type of girl, then he walked away never turning back.
stellar lady:: naughti 9:05 AM [+] ::
...

us stellar ladies have been slacking this semester. sometimes life just gets in the way. i need to be studying right now. but i'm exhausted. my room is a mess. i still haven't unpacked. only a week and a half left. i cannot wait for this semester to be over. as for the semester to come? well, i had an early morning epiphany today. i am going to switch my major. "now????!!!!!" you may be thinking to yourself. yes, and i think it will all be alright. since having been in madrid i really havent cracked into any of the mass comm classes yet. tho i'm not moving that far. i'm going into speech communication...focusing on organizational communication. once i have all the details; you'll be the first to know. but i will most likely drop the spanish major down to a minor...possible get a minor in business. we'll see how it all plays out. i guess i'll be gettin to where i'm goin. hopefully i can still be outta blormal in four years. i will have to work my ass off. but i'm pumped. the train by my apartment is howling by right now. i can't stop yawning. and cody's method for preventing them does not work. yawns are an unstoppable force. it's getting really cold outside. i don't understand people sometimes. how grand all would be if everyone was real with one another. mindgames are overrated and lame. at times i honestly think i have ADD. test in history of africa tomorrow. and a 6-8 page soc paper due friday that i have not started. i think i may be an undercover procrastinator.

alright kids. study or fail.

i won't hold my breath for you
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:05 PM [+] ::
...

ahhh...the pointless wars of the heart...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:48 PM [+] ::
...

"wow, 30 packs are heavier than 24's!"

i love my roomates.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:54 PM [+] ::
...

well, here i am. so busy with school i got papers coming out of my arse...but it's ok cuz i've been here before...it's all about time utilization. but i'm one of those people who works hard and plays even harder...i don't believe in not making time for the people in my life...so yeah thursday thru saturday are spent out on the town having fun with the people i love, even if it means cramming for some classes. currently i am working on papers on topics such as, the causes of urban poverty, an analyzation of shakespeare and sydney's sonnets, and a statement of poetics...all this plus keeping up with reading, editing articles for the newspaper, and work. Three more weeks and i can breath.
My new theory on love: Love is nothing more than a power struggle. Think about how the person you are in a relationship has the power to bring you up or down, and how vulnerable you are to that person. This is not necessarily a bad thing, unless the feelings are coming more from one side than the other...in other words the power is coming more from one side than the other. And just when you think you obtained the power in the relationship, the ball is suddenly in the other player's court.....of course i believe this game all changes with time and when the right person is found, but how many times must we play in order to find a balanced relationship?

My new annoyance: i was cooking yesterday and the fire alarm went off and now the alarm is beeping every minute....this wouldn't be a problem if i didn't have high ceilings that NO ONE can reach.

Music: ben harper mix....he is a beautiful, beautiful person.

my sympathy to sam....i feel ya babe.
stellar lady:: naughti 8:25 PM [+] ::
...

fucking fuck. i hate computers. especially the viruses that put porn on my computer and destroy my hard drive. i can't even start my computer up. this is the worst time for this to happen. i can't be writing papers on this computer at work. fucking fuck.

i quit the internet.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:55 AM [+] ::
...

catching my breath...

it's been awhile. i know. i hate it when that happens. there's no excuse; but i have come to realize something. my life is groovin along and really enjoyable right now in a very consistent way.

granted i have my day to day stresses...frustrations with given situations...but overall i'm quite content. school has been busy. the semester is winding down and crunch time is coming up. but only after a nice long week break. i love it. i've been workin' it....5-6 days a week at washburns...keeps me goin and brings in the money to support my college kid habits...ooo! may have a second job next semester....Will from the House of Funk(a popular thrift store for you non-blormal residents) will most likely have hours for me. as long as scheduling works out...that job will by definition rule.

i had an extremely fun weekend...a three nite workout of my liver by doing 12 oz curls. quite the fun...dare i admit that i had a blast at a frat house at Bradley last nite? those doods were cool though. free beer. a lot of dancing. there was a huge baby pool filled with live goldfish. everyone was swallowing them. for the life of me, i don't know why. i attribute it to the frat boy mentality. but nonetheless, cool doods.

so yeah, good everything...i'm doing excellent...there's just nothing too anecdotal. i'll work on that for ya.

so, did ya hear about the sorority girl that fucked AC Slater last week? ha, ISU is on the map baby. i personally would have held out for Zack Morris.

currently reading: Practicing Community: Class Culture and Power in an Urban Neighborhood
in the cdplayer: Jimmy Eat World; Clarity

it all seems so odd sometimes
and the odds all seem stacked
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:35 PM [+] ::
...

story of the day:

i've been fighting a cold for the past couple of days and my wonderful roomate, huff, has been giving me this herbal tea that she swears cures colds....so i've been drinking this stuff and i wake up finally able to breath....
me: hey huff what's in this stuff anyway?
huff: you know i'm not sure what herbs are in there
(huff then looks at the packaging and reads the ingredients....she reads them aloud in urdu)
huff: KHASH KHASH??! (she exclaims with huge eyes)
nadia:who?
huff: khash khash is marijuana in my language.
nadia: wow, that's some good shit.

well, i'm going to be MIA for the next couple of weeks....love ya guys....



stellar lady:: naughti 9:01 PM [+] ::
...

~the meaning is lost
words just wont work
words are slowly demeaning
their meanings
words make things worse
words are always repeating
losing their feeling
these words failed
words fail~
~cursive

school.....honestly, how much longer?

i found a fatal flaw in the logic of love.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:13 AM [+] ::
...

He shifts in bed
fighting sleep.
A self defense against
what awaits him in dream.
He will not win the battle
or dream of spring in Spain
or walk on clouds
where angels play
or strum his mandolin in a field of olive trees.
Instead, he will dream of her
wearing a crown of pink orchids
and a smile she will uncover
with those lips he can no longer touch.



stellar lady:: naughti 8:43 PM [+] ::
...

~the first set of rules i ever made was with him. the manifesto. we agreed that everything should be forgiven well in advance, and no lines drawn in the sand. the day i left he couldn't stop crying. these days, months later, he keeps drawing lines arbitrarily, diagramming pain around both of us. even after all the games, his broken voice still attempts to pull at the soft recovering tissue lining my lungs. it's been months since i've made him smile, but i can still hear those words tripping easily over his teeth and falling to the floor in an endless cascade: "i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you." sometimes memory is stronger than truth.~
~~


stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:07 AM [+] ::
...

holla!! hey ladies you think we should start our own dictionary?....wait until you meet my friend mikey....not only is this kid a flaming metrosexual and dances like a stripper but his vocabulary is "off the dog-leash" (just one of the many 'mikey phrases'). his nickname is none other than 'photoslut' and when you call his phone he says something along the line of something, something..."big beef hotline"...something, something. the only reason i'm sharing this kid's crazy personality is cuz he makes me laugh like no one else can....i'm even laughing thinking about him. he also had me take a dozen pictures of him smoking a hookah while he made love to the camera.

this weekend consisted of dancing, drunken phonecalls (first prize goes to the drunken phonecall about a broken gun), losing voices, breaking up, making up, and a little kid named niko.

what i really need is a nik and sam fix.
stellar lady:: naughti 6:28 PM [+] ::
...

~Halloween morning. Rotting pumpkins, burning leaves, black cats mating like rats in the alley. It was as. . . it were as if we felt not fear. As if we were already dead, and had nothing to fear by dying. Or perhaps it was because we lived life so well and loved life so much that we imagined ourselves immortal. Overwhelming the powers that be with the force of our passion for science. Or maybe we were just fucked in the head. - Flatliners ~

why am i awake this early? i can't say for sure. could be sleeping still. but what i can say is that miller lite leaves ya with a nice headache the morning after. but hey, it had been awhile. vale la pena.

we may be heading here tonight among other places. look for a scandalist brownie, a flapper, and a Kill Bill assasin. i believe a super tall joe dirt will be there as well. keep on the lookout.

i stand you stood and i swear i'll never breathe a word
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:48 AM [+] ::
...

rest in peace elliot smith. it's unfortunate that often in our society a person's genious will not receive its fully deserved recognition until after their death. nonetheless; check him out.

i actually have a week where i do not have any tests or papers due. i still have the day to day shit and will be slowly working on things for next week; but it is nice to have the pressure off and walk a little slower. and have more time to sleep. i dont seem to be getting any of that done at night.

why do i feel that my college career is almost over? only a year and a half left. three semesters of work. i dont know where the time goes. and thinking about all of this leads me to start worrying about getting a job, surviving the 'real world', and all the cliches that come with life after college. i know its normal to not know exactly what i'm suppose to be doing, and having a general idea is ok, but i wish i had something just a little more tangible.

there does seem to be three stark choices; so beloved by our generation:

1. Be a starving but happy artist
2. Be an affluent but depressed professional
3. Ignored genious.

i dont think i'll take any of those options, thank you very much. i suppose i'll just keep kickin some ass and i'll get to where i'm goin.

"Knowledge is way different from wisdom and the most cryptic beautiful things are often the most simple."

#1 guilty pleasure; Justin Timberlake. that album is so fuckin good, i dont care what anyone says.

Nap time. Here is your coat and those are your shoes and that is the door.

You got a look in your eye
When you're saying goodbye
Like you wanna say hi
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:36 AM [+] ::
...

listen here people...i am giving up technology for a really long time...i'm going to grab myself a typewriter and forget about this computer garbage....me and my angel of a friend tried fixing my computer all day yesterday and today...not to mention i put my work aside to do this....we ended up re-installing everything....forget this shit. i gotta get some sleep....can't wait to see you guys this weekend.


stellar lady:: naughti 1:32 AM [+] ::
...

here is a recent quote from a stevie nicks interview in the Herald Sun regarding britney and madonna's grammy's kiss:

"First of all, Madonna is too old to be kissing someone who is 22. And Britney should be smarter than that. Hopefully, she will figure a way out of this hole she has dug for herself."

she then says that Spears and Christina Aguilera should wear more clothes and try writing decent songs.

"I personally have never been to a strip club, but I turn on MTV and see in every single video what it must be like to be at a strip club," Nicks said.

"I think the mystery is gone, and if you have no mystery, then you aren't even sexy."

"Real sexuality and sensuality is in the music, and all these girls vis-a-vis, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and on and on, should go back to writing songs and start over because it won't last and they won't last."

"When they are 55, they won't be around and that's sad because I think a lot of those girls are very talented. But they are signing their own death warrants."

- stevie nicks 2003

life's busyness has been sweeping me up as usual...

1. My apoligies to fellow blogger nik for my rowdyness/ridiculousness/incoherency in champaign last nite. raspberry vodka does it to me every time. hard liquor is the root of all evil.
2. it will be wonderful when all the stella ladies reunite next weekend. its been way too long since all three of us have been together.
3. 5k accomplished. go me.
4. i will be MIA this week. its gonna be hell.
5. its really hard to be productive when its so nice outside. fall is the best season ever.
6. i am not an advocate of hallmark holidays. not yet, atleast.
7. everyone run for your lives, ladybugs are taking over the earth.

this week: research paper for sociology due, spanish test, register for next semester, comm theories test, environmental health test

and then i can breathe...

one more thing...if anyone has ideas for halloween costumes, throw that shit my way. i'm fresh out of ideas.

peace, love, and dove bars.

when i fall in love, i take my time
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:30 PM [+] ::
...

the moment you touched my lips you became the king of my islands
swirled in blue silk robes of the pacific
and although you are bound to my islands of thought
today i am without a king.

i'm half gone right now....lack of sleep because of my midterm and because of my bad/good decision last night....went to wrigelyville last night with lots of hope and energy....up until the last second of the last inning i thought we could do it....it was insane and beautiful how everyone was completely one....we were all experiencing the same emotions...anger, excitement, hope.....everyone understood one another...it was so much bigger than just a game....no one had a name.....and then as 3 appeared on the scoreboard we all felt alone in that huge mass of people....

i promise i wont tell them you are.


stellar lady:: naughti 5:29 PM [+] ::
...

"Loss makes everything sharp" ~May Sarton

when someone's gone are they really really really gone?

i'm feeling sorta blank a full of muted tones. i feel just sorta beige.

you know i'd give you everything i got for a little peace of mind.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:52 AM [+] ::
...

i understand it's been a while....but i finally got internet hooked up to my place, so i shall be making more appearances in the near future.....this semester is going by extremely fast...and although i've been steered in a direction i thought i had closed off in my life i am back along that dusty path once again....after thinking that i wanted to go into counseling of children i put law on the back burner....but once again i am going to pursue a career in law for various reasons.....and as i look at it in perspective i think i'm supposed to be doing this....sociology and english are perfect fields of study for law...and initially i got hooked to law in high school and decided to go to college to pursue law...sometimes we're forced to chose things in life and sometimes life choses for us.....

tomorrow: midterm in english 241 (Beowulf, Chaucer, lanval are overrated)
tonight: brownies and a quick birthday celebration

i don't have time to write the whole poem...but here's a little taste....

'...no, if you would listen to me,
you would never hope that he would be true, a crude
crusher of lips that were sweetened
by Venus with her own quintessence of nectar.


stellar lady:: naughti 9:12 PM [+] ::
...

although we're about 200 miles away,we still love the cubbies! hell yeah support from central IL.

cubs are headin to the world series. in your face cardinal fans. ha ha...suckers.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:54 PM [+] ::
...

here's an excerpt of 'fake president', a poem from blormal's indy newspaper...

"George Bush Junior,
you say the American
people need to make
sacrifices, don't you
really mean the people
jus' scrapin' ta get by,
cause thats where the
87 billion that you want
is gunna come from,
you ain't puttin' none
of your millions in the pot,
you just uh fake president
who won a fake election,
hopin' you can rally
the country into another
red scare witch hunt,
well, asshole, you should
have killed all
the poets first."
~John Firefly, 9-24-03

am doing my damndest to start my spanish paper right now. should have stayed in last night and been productive, but it is difficult to resist a good party. but sundays are for gettin all your shit done, right? just nod and smile please. itll help me feel better.

i'm constantly moving and stumbling from one obligation to another. funny how its simultaneously invigorating and defeating. its good though. i want to become the smartest fucker possible. and soon i'll have that piece of paper with black ink on it that says i'm two degrees smarter than you. ha, yup. thats what i'm goin for.

i'm not sure what i'm runnign on right now. all i know is some refueling in the thrill is needed, believe it or not. i miss my fam and friends. i'll see you friday night.

today: analyzing a poem about flies; en espanol, laundry, cleaning my room, reading, reading, and more reading.
tuesday: famous linguist Noam Chomsky will be speaking here at ISU. time: 7pm and he will talk on "Dilemmas of Dominance". i think it will be worth it for all you outta towners to make your way down(or up, wherever you may be located) to central illinois to listen to one of the most celebrated intellectuals in the world. it will be an experience, and more of a privilege to hear this man talk. also its free; if that will entice any of you indecisive kids out there.

inthecdplayer: Mars Volta
currently reading: Heat Wave: A Social Autopsy of Disaster In Chicago
movie to see: All The Real Girls

go cubbies!
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:14 PM [+] ::
...

in an attempt to bring our spirits up last night we decided to rent a movie....well it was taking us a while and the friendly blockbuster guy decided he wanted to help us (they were closing and he wanted us out)....but nonetheless he was extremely kind.....until he recommended the most horrible movie i have ever sat through in my life(oh yes worse than mulholland drive)....i should have been weary when i saw that mandy moore was one of leads...but she's kinda cute so i thought why not?....besides we were being rushed....the name of the movie is 'all i want'....there should be some sort of qualifications that movies should meet before they come out....or some sort of manufacturer's gaurantee...cuz i am not a happy consumer.




stellar lady:: naughti 10:13 PM [+] ::
...

i just wrote a blog and then erased it by accident....i will not re-write it, but i did have something to say....


stellar lady:: naughti 9:31 PM [+] ::
...

check this hilarious shit out...read through it all; its funny how true it is. fuckin elitist indie rock kids.

well, all i have to say is
a) life is too short
b) learning after 8pm should be made illegal and
c) you know its a good day when you receive a call at work telling you that your passenger car window has been smashed in.

i should have stayed asleep today.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:22 PM [+] ::
...

movie to see: Magnolia

i know. i'm horribly slow when it comes to keeping up with movies. must work on this. but this movie is AMAZING. definitely a possible spiritual epiphany.

artist on the mind: Aimee Mann

It's not going to stop,
Till you wise up.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:35 PM [+] ::
...

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-e.e. cummings


stellar lady:: naughti 11:03 PM [+] ::
...

currently: sipping on miller lite

feeling groovy...especially after my three tests this week. my teacher for comm theories posts the grades right away...i got an A...thus proving that i am the smartest person alive.

feeling content with the way things played out. saved myself a lot of pain. the last word was written in his handwriting. he intended to get what he got. now he needs to get out.

the distance sets us apart. and the next time he meets someone that cares about him as much as i do...all he has to do is let them. he is my greatest disappointment.

we'll see how it is in the end. until then, i now know why god makes strong coffee and stiff cocktails.

band to check out: The Jealous Sound
currently listening to: Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews

our weekend starts on thursday.

his name is now on my shoe.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:46 PM [+] ::
...

Amor vincit omnia

just finished lab...gotta head to english and take a quiz...i promise i'll write more later.
today: checking out H&M (en espanol por favor) then running a couple of miles (followed by some reading...i guess that's what college students do).
by the way if you don't like your job then quite...cuz there are far too many negative people in the world.....or better yet if you gotta stick shoved up your ass please remove it gently(or i'll do it for you!).




stellar lady:: naughti 10:42 AM [+] ::
...

its very disheartening as i look over my calander for the rest of the semester and i realize that i dont get a break--AT ALL. at minimum, every week i either have a test or paper due. for the mostpart; i have multiple tests and/or papers due. theres no chance of me catching my breath at this point any time soon. and it sucks when my roomates have all this free time on their hands. i'm stuck studying/accomplishing shit, leaving me mentally exhausted at the end of the day. i guess thats what i get for doing a double major.

and that is just the educational aspect of my life. all the other areas are puttin some tremendous pressure on my brain too. i'll refrain from venturing to those places right now. dont exactly have time to think about it(dont really want to either). i'll divulge at a later date. but all in all; i'd say i'm holding up pretty well. i'm still alive and kickin.

i will admit that i caved and had a couple of ciggarettes during stressfull times. but i would say that 3 or 4 cigarrettes within over a months time is a hell of a lot better than a pack and a half day. oh; and i am scheduled to do a 5K october 18. look; i'm all healthy and shit now. mad props to me.

this week: test in sociology, hispanic lit and comm theories.
now: tryin to get a degree. so i'm off to the coffeehouse to study. cause thats what college kids do.
currently reading: The Moral Order of a Suburb
inthecdplayer: Jimmy Eat World; Clarity

nothing that makes sense ever works out.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:35 PM [+] ::
...

thank you God for such incredible friends...sometimes i forget how much i love you guys. my appreciation for you is deeper than you can ever know.

at times i wish i was numb.


stellar lady:: naughti 8:02 PM [+] ::
...

as sabrina has said...

i make a lot of mistakes
i tell my doubts
i laugh with my worries
i am frightened by the truth but i need it like my own blood.

this past week felt so out of control. and it really was. lots of fears. not good a loving. not good looking. i'm not good at making stuff happen. i'm not good at articulating how i feel...not good at school..not good at taking care what i love. trying to measure up.

sometimes i feel really in the spotlight and i'm not acting right.
sometimes i feel like i am mean to people who love me.
sometimes i surge with power.
sometiems i am unable to buckle my own euphoria.
sometimes i feel really terrible.
sometimes i want to go home.
sometimes i dont say what i feel.
sometimes i regret what i did..
sometimes i wish i was six.

i am feeling better though, sometimes i forget that i am in control of my life. just need to grab it by the lapels. so i guess i'll be pretty content. just never sure...

quote to contemplate: "Desire is the root of all human suffering."
music on the mind: The Postal Service
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:19 AM [+] ::
...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIK!!!! MWAH!

well this is a poem from memory so hopefully i recite it correctly...

an autumn morning in shokuku-ji

last night watching the Pleiades
breath smoking in the moonlight
bitter memory like vomit
choked my throat
i unrolled a sleeping bag
on mats on the porch
under thick autumn stars
in dream you appeared
(three times in nine years)
wild, cold, and accusing
i woke shamed and angry:
the pointless wars of the heart
almost dawn. venus and jupiter.
the first time
i have ever seen them close

-gary snyder




stellar lady:: naughti 12:01 AM [+] ::
...

the sun gave me a weird epiphany. something like: cant spend rest of life in total misery. good one, right?

more on this later. stay tuned.

keep on truckin'.


stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:56 PM [+] ::
...

its been a stressful past couple of days. after wednesday everything will drop a few notches. not in all respects though. i really wish i could turn my thinking off sometimes. everything is a little off kilter at the moment. hence; my weekend will be starting thursday, if not wednesday night. bah.

sorry for being MIA. i will do my best to visit more often. lates. class in a half-hour. still dont know if i like learning at 8pm.

in the cdplayer: Pedro the Lion; Almost there
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:41 PM [+] ::
...

well i honestly don't know where i've been...and i still have no access to the internet at my place....just trying to get back into the swing of things with school...but there are just so many distractions (i know u guys feel me on that one)....i just keep telling myself that i'm not going to keep doing this and then it happens again...this whole week i got the amount of sleep a person would get in one day...it's sick (and i'm sick). i miss my girlz like crazy...but not to worry next weekend the world is ours!


stellar lady:: naughti 6:42 PM [+] ::
...

"The unique phenomenon of distance, however close [an object] may be" ~ a definition of aura, offered by the popular wiseguy Walter Benjamin.

for a moment we are reminded, compelled to remember, the work undone. documents unfinished. letters half-written. that game of suspended solitaire which sits at home, waiting for me and my entire generation to return and finish it (and lose).

so does high-grade acid really cause short-term memory loss? i know a lot of other things that will.

last night i had a strong craving for some coffee shots with tobacco chasers. but do not fear kids; i resisted. i am beginning day 12 of being a non-smoker. wax on, wax off.

another thing; people dont settle for people. they resolve to be with them. it takes faith. you draw a circle in the sand and you agree to stand in it and believe in it. its faith.

let me recover my breath from this uphill train of thought. bit early in the morning for epiphanies.

in the cdplayer: Mogwai
currently reading: Welcome to the Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:09 AM [+] ::
...

this will be my last blog for a little while...i didn't know setting up the internet in my apartment would be sooo difficult...i guess it's more difficult than i thought for people to fully offer me their services. anyway hopefully me and huff will have dsl up and running in a week or so. i'm kinda sad for the summer to end but at the same time i'm looking forward to (dreading) school this semester. i usually judge my classes by the books we use...so far three out of the five are looking pretty good. by the way whoever believes in God out there say a little prayer for my bro...the biggest test of his life is tuesday. see everyone in chicago ;-)

we're all lost in this world....but at least we have a compass...all we have to do is learn how to use it.

nik-make sure u save those glasses for when me and sam want ice cream!
sam-keep up the drunkin phone calls...they make my nite!
stellar lady:: naughti 12:32 AM [+] ::
...

Here we are, at the start.

One week down on the semester. only 17 more to go, right?

as much as i normally get super stressed out and spastic as the school years start, i'm surprisingly quite relaxed these days. i cant explain it. but i dare wont question it. its just really nice to sit back and know that in the end; its all nice.(this is the optimist shinning through right now. her name is samantha. she hasnt come out very often on the blog. she's very pleased to meet you.)

i'm pumped for the classes i'm taking, though i will have to put in a hell of a lot of extra work this semester. i'll give ya the run down. i'm takin an environmental health class, history of africa(my roomate sara is in it and my other roomate amy is the T.A. we planned this out very nicely.), a sociology class, a hispanic lit class, and a communication theories class. yeah, by the end of this semester; i'll be a lot smarter.

i read an article in our school newspaper regarding growing up and getting a job. and the writer made a lot of great points. theres all the questions of 'when are you goin to graduate?', 'do you think you'll be able to find a job?', 'whats your major? so what are you goin to do with that?'. and i think many would agree with me that we're sick of being bombarded from all sides with these inquiries. so to all future interrogators- shut up, please.

its natural to worry about the future. but with all this pressure to 'get the right degree', we're wasting all our time worrying about tomorrow in turn; missing out on today. the writer pointed out that college is a place where students are given the opportunity to define and redefine who they are. but too often the journey of self-actualization is plagued with and complicated by the white noise of contemporary society. so many kids are discouraged from certain fields of study because they "cant get a job in that." but we need to delve into what we're most passionate about. so lets ignore all the naysayers.

i could get all self-help on ya, but i'll refrain. lets just live up our college years, worry less, and look forward to whats next.

what am i doing? i've got a busy schedule. its booked with plans to binge drink, park illegally and wreak havoc on the people of bloomington-normal.

in the cd player: Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
site to check out: Found Magazine
days of being a non-smoker: 7

nik and naughti: good luck with the location changes. wish we were at alpine valley seeing radiohead right now.

And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself.


stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:28 PM [+] ::
...

my opinion article...this year's newspaper crew is going to be a riot...i can already tell....this is before changes were made to it....sorry it's long...

I was left a bit distraught following a casual conversation with a customer of mine. After receiving the typical question of, “what type of music do you like?” I replied by saying that hip-hop was among the many types of music that I appreciate. The response of the young man standing before me flabbergasted me. “Oh, you mean like Nelly?” he asked confidently. I laughed a little and then looked up from my work only to realize that he was not joking. Could this man’s view of music be so tainted that Nelly was being grouped with legends like Run DMC and De La Soul? The depth of hip-hop music has somehow become synonymous to the shallowness of pop rap. Don’t get me wrong, I even find it entertaining to sing along to catchy songs like “Right Thurr”, but in no way should artists like Chingy be considered hip-hop.
A lifestyle in its own, hip hop may be one of the most misunderstood genres of music. With artists like 50 Cent, Nelly, and Puff Daddy blaring on radio stations and TRL, it seems as though hip hop has taken a backseat to pop rap. Hip hop was never fully introduced into mainstream music, but even a rare leak of artists like Common or the Fugees was expected to slip into airplay. Mainstream has lacked hip hop for so long that the common folk is using the terms “rap” and “hip hop” interchangeably. As a matter of fact, many musicians are the one’s trying to blur the line separating the two very different genres.
Perhaps many artists are claiming to be a part of the hip hop culture because hip hop is more of a revolution than a type of music. This highly respected genre of music contains some of the most lyrically talented individuals from artists like the late Tupac Shakur, Atmosphere, and KRS-One. The goal for hip hop MCs is to spit out lyrics no one has heard before in a manner and style no one encompasses. Lyrically is where rap and hip hop differ. While rappers speak about cars, money, and sex, hip hop uses themes like society, love, spirituality and hip hop itself. Rappers also have a tendency to bash other musicians like 50 Cent saying, “I used to tap my foot to Lauryn Hill until she made a CD with no beat”. Hip hoppers seem to have more respect for one another in that they only put another musician down when they are challenged to a lyrical competition by another MC.
The music industry has shown that rap sells. Perhaps it is the way rap coins new catch phrases and fun chorus lines. But not all hip hop is serious. The Beastie Boys may be known for their unique beats and turntablism, but they also stirred things up with their nutty flows and spontaneity. Later the LA underground group Pharcyde also incorporated the same carefree fun attitude as the Beastie Boys.
Another element often found in hip hop (and not rap) is DJing through the use of turntables. Groups like Jurassic 5, Dilated Peoples, and the Beatnuts use beats and scratching to amaze their audiences. Turntables and human beatboxes are non-existent at rap concerts. Instead, entourages of people follow the headlining rapper on stage causing so much noise as they all try to rap at once that the audience is left wondering who they paid to see.
Hip hop may not be readily available to music lovers through MTV or local radio stations, but it is definitely not dead. New and old hip hop artists are creating new masterpieces to fill the shoes of hip hop legends. The only problem is discovering these new artists. Artists like K-os, Blackalicious, The Roots, and Talib Kweli are always producing fresh music and performing live.
Hip hop is a culture, not just a good beat to bop your head to. It contains the talents of MCs, DJs, dancers, and visual artists. Rap is simply music competing to make big sales. Perhaps a phenomenal line from a cheesy movie can sum it up, “what is the difference between hip hop and rap? It is like the difference between love and being in love with someone…rap is just a word” (Brown Sugar).



stellar lady:: naughti 8:40 PM [+] ::
...

Manifest Amo

as the summer winds down to an end, i can say that it has turned out very different than i had imagined when i returned from spain. i can honestly say that i am very happy with everything right now. an overall contentment. of course there are minor things(ex to recall: why didnt i go to school in the city) but i am really becoming a firm believer that everything is as it should be and that i am where i am for a reason. just two more years baby, thats all i have to say.

mat leaves me speechless. i've turned into one of those stupid romantic idiots i use to pity. but its alright; i forgive myself. i'm just gonna sit back and smile as the magic unfolds. i've got something real and its more than i could have ever imagined.

stella ladies...i've had an amazing past couple of days...thank you so much for everything. i've exited the teenage era. and really, i'm not all that sad. i'm excited for whats to come. a lot of my existence i've spent staring off into the past. but now my gaze is set forward. and i'm a movin.

what?! school starts on monday? wtf. here goes...

i will be in touch ladies.....un beso.

Quote of the Day: "I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life is a bitch, you've got to go out and kick ass!"~Maya Angelou

up next: back to blormal, baseball game in peoria, partay at pirates.
check out:bob nana's opinion piece on downloading music. good stuff.
music on the brain:Radiohead; Ok Computer

Haiku
I love the fancy
but I have a nervous tick
I dont fancy you.

Open up your skull
I'll be there
Climbing up the walls

stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:32 PM [+] ::
...

sometimes i forget how certain songs make me feel:
"there's something about the look in your eyes
something i noticed when the light was just right
it reminded me twice that i was alive
and it reminded me that you are so worth the fight"
-incubus

today i saw heaven and hell collide....moving into my apartment was a biotch (this is an understatement)....five flights of stairs allowed for dehydration to consume us pretty quickly.....random sweet guys helped out a little (they didn't come soon enough)....but to see my huffinator's eyes glow up as she walked into the apartment was worth it all....

all we need is an ice cream scooper!

something taken for granted by many: the ability to love who you choose
must see movie: bowling for colombine (on video aug. 19)
last movie seen: 13 conversations about one thing (for you analytical people out there)
just found out: better than ezra will be performing at the last fling this month

* i always have one foot out the door.


stellar lady:: naughti 9:35 PM [+] ::
...

Quote worth mentioning

"if we could just love eachother and live in truth as much as possible and not act out some idea of what a relationship is suppose to be. to not lie~at all. to be able to sit down, look eachother in the eye, and speak our minds freely. to maintain a perspective on the other and not wholly judge him in context to yourself. i dont want somebody to stay with me just cause he promised to do so 18 years ago or whatever. he should stay with me because he wants to, because he loves me and believes that being with me is what he needs most deeply. an awake, conscious life, thats all i really desired."
~excerpt from Ash Wednesday

in the cdplayer: Sarah McLachlan
tomorrow:job interview at borders, doin it the washburn way, the weekend starting on thursday, a ciggarette free day(esperamos que si, yo solamente tenia dos hoy. vamos a ver.)

I can't feel anymore but I can fake it forever.



stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:44 PM [+] ::
...

Sequence of events; Part 3

1. Cruising to the city, smoking and eating potato bread(happily provided by our chef naughti)
2.greeeeeek tooooooowwwn....theres nats place!
3. parking parking parking? there? yes! wait, no not there...there? yes! pull a 180! no! 15 minute standing area..."excuse me sir are you leaving soon.....?" whoa! nevermind d0ood! sorry we asked.
4. the fucking aMAZing apartment!!! this sick spot will be my second home during the school year. well done nat.
5. the big fat greek family...dude with the glasses shaking my hand and holding it well past the universal time allotted for handshakes.
6. walking...oh this beautiful city...awesomer...nikki will be adding a section to my dictionary...keep an eye out at your local book stores.
7. what? accident? what? tickets? what?
8. emily doing her best to not go off on the woman at the box office who wont give us our tickets.
9. turns out there are no tickets under shady dood's name. where is shady dood??? must find him. he will pay.
10. Guitarrist's dad's friend sold us tix...nat talking the price down to $15...right on sister.
11. maybe if i go to the box office and ask for a backstage pass, i'll get one like everybody else seems to be.
12. whaaaaat....the VP crew! they stalk me at concerts i swear...yowsa the memories...
13. wish thoses peeps werent sittin in front of us...we wanna put our feet up!
14. did we miss something corporate? GLOVE!! he's cute from here!....ahhhh here comes MY* boyfriend...
15. ummm.....the songs??? yes, yes i do know this one...we're getting DOWN...
16. is it easy to get lost in the city? ask emily and jared. they will agree wholeheartedly.
17. i should just give my phone to nadia cuz every phone call is for her :)
18. its 11:30...the concert isnt over yet
19. how do we get to 90-94? wait....shit, that was a one way street!
20. mat's place....teehee...a seal of approval from my sisters...allowing myself to enjoy the butterflys in my stomach
21. time to peace out...chillin to musica at volume 15 to compensate for our loss of hearing after nick was crooning to us.
22. is it raining? or is it the car in front of us?
23. an excellent night...i love ya sisters!
24. WHY DIDNT I GO TO SCHOOL IN THE CITY????
*25. Please disregard any comments naughti and nik may say regarding nick hexum. they havent been taking their medication lately and are very delusional. we shall never forget that nick heXum is MY boyfriend. oh yeah, and ashton too.

set the clocks back, set my thoughts ahead.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:21 PM [+] ::
...

nick hexum is MY boyfriend.....

free parking is a biotch!!!....tripping up three flights of stairs in excitement.....the walls are blue and yellow....bugs in nik's drink....what? ryans name isn't on the list? no tickets...wait five more minutes...shadiness.....buying tickets from random guys...talking down the price....backstage please...sam's ex...wow, he's skinny!....is that arendt?....what are u eating?...andy bringing the energy...wanna make out?....g love and who?!.....oh my beautiful boyfriend....amber is the color of your energy...emily was a spaz....jared was chill....where is the f-ing highway?!.....don't pick up the phone!!!....it's nadia's cell.....matt a beautiful being....locked out...climb through the window...what a place!....turn the clown around!!! ahhhh.....the deer is a little disturbing.....sus padres?...yeah....gotta go....cds skipping....what a night!....i love you guys!


stellar lady:: naughti 12:47 PM [+] ::
...

you know you're shady if:
-you don't call when you say you're going to
-you talk about people behind their back and smile to their face
-you tell someone you like their hair (clothes, etc.) when you really think it's hideous
-you avoid someone you know and pretended to like (this includes avoiding eye-contact and phonecalls)
-you say you have someone's birthday gift at home when you really didn't buy anything
-you use people for things you want
-you use people and then drop them
-you haven't talked to your 'friend' in over a month
-you come between friends and make them fight
-you don't tell you boyfriend/girlfriend that you had a divorce and you have kids
-you pretend everything is okay (when things are going badly)
-you just wanted some booty and never cared about the person
-you pretended you cared but just wanted some booty
-you lead people on

why am i making a list of ways a person can be shady?...because once again everyone knows the motto that i truly believe in...just keeping it real....everyday i find more and more shady people in this world (feel free to add on)......
stellar lady:: naughti 7:02 PM [+] ::
...

a successful night???

bj pukin in the garbage can

osa peacin out

cops

rock throwing

beer throwing

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

theres doods sleepin in the livin room....
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:36 AM [+] ::
...

shhhhittttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!! location change starting the first of the month! signed the lease today for my new apartment in the city! and i even talked down the price a little...hehe...yeah i got it like that ;-) .....hardwood floors with yellow and purple walls.....all the people i love are invited anytime...mi casa es su casa!

newest cd: michelle branch
" if tomorrow never comes
i would want just one wish
to kiss your quite mouth
to trace the steps of my fingertips
and it's you...the light changes when you're in the room"



stellar lady:: naughti 10:58 PM [+] ::
...

If you will be in the bloomington-normal area tonight; especially tomorrow...fiestas are going to be had...so if you know where i live, come stop by for clevelands numero veintiuno...it should be quite an entertaining night...and let me tell ya, nights are what you look forward to in these dead college towns. time to party hardy.

i'm on a running kick...i'm hopin it sticks this time...went for almost 40 minutes today. ha! i'm counting this as Personal Triumph of the Day #3. the second was walking. the first was consciousness.

reading: the autograph man; zadie smith.
in the cdplayer lost my lights; robert nanna
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:53 PM [+] ::
...

i don't think i can ever take chicago's beauty for granted....i was in awe last night laying on the grass of grant park during the chicago film festival....for a moment we felt free with slight contraints on our hearts and minds....shivering as the wind tangled our hair we felt like the world was ours...as short as it may have been our happiness was genuine.

" you're screaming out the window at the stars, "please don't take me home!"....blame is cuz we are who we are....hate is cuz you'll never get that far....tell me all the places we can go..." -at the stars (better than ezra) resang by howie day.

Mo, Curly, Larry!!!!
stellar lady:: naughti 12:02 PM [+] ::
...

Home is where the heart is
Mine is scattered by miles and time
On this slow suicide
with a pack of smokes and cheap bottle of wine.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:27 AM [+] ::
...

i have now realized that i will be an extremely broke college student next year. me and my future roomate have found that we must up our ideal rent a couple hundred dollars to find a decent place in the city. so starting next month if you want to hang out let me warn you that if cash is needed for the outing, you will not see my arse there.....my new hang out will be the lake and grant park (they're always free).

books: honky; and white teeth
completed: the perks of being a wallflower
musica: howie day
best invented item of clothing: hoodies (ok, and hats)

WANTED:
FOR SOME TIME NOW A FELLOW BLOGGER BY THE NAME NIK HAS VANISHED FROM OUR WEBSITE...IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION REGARDING THIS ISSUE PLEASE CONTACT THE ACTIVE BLOGGERS-SAMAURI AND NAUGHTI. WE ARE GREATLY CONCERNED. ;-)

stellar lady:: naughti 12:27 AM [+] ::
...

just to inform everyone, Twisted Ice Tea now has a raspberry flavor...yippi! while at the liquor store with my legal buddy frank...he asked me which kind of tea i wanted. confused; i looked closesly to investigate the two different packaging and to my delight...U-Lick(university liquors for you non-blormal residents) is the first to win the contest of bringing in this sweet poison...i'm sure Budget will not be lagging for much longer...they wont if they want me to piss my money away at their franchise. hence, last night was an enjoyable buzzz as i completed my sixpack of twisted and then some at The house; accompanied by great friends and a campfire(though in retrospect i am still confused as to why frank and mike decided to start a fire considering it was fuckin hotter/humider* than hell...but nontheless; the atmosphere was very chill as we marveled at the heat lightning which illuminated the sky).

i am going to be turning down my job offer at the doctors office...its a long a complicated story but even though the job pays sweet money, the negatives outweigh the positives...i'm hoping pier one or the house of funk will work out...but all i have to say is ptlnaf for financial aid and scholarship money.

i am in the thrill until monday respectively. i'll see you around; if you're lucky.

tomorrow: finishing Ash WEdnesday; shopping with the mAdre; going with mat to a FREE SHow.
music on the mind: Pedro the Lion

I can write it in a song but never say it to your face.

*i don't think that this even a word, but its my version of 'more humid'. but don't worry; i am constructing a personal dictionray which will include euphimisms and catchphrases in the world of Samurai is going through the editing phase and will be available for you to purchase and marvel over come Spring 2004.**
**will also be available in a pocket size version come Fall 2004.

later doods.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:51 PM [+] ::
...

i must remind myself that i am not going to jinx myself by writing this post...but a possible job could be on the way....a doctor's office...10+ an hour...not exactly thrilled at the thought of sitting behind a desk all day but unfortunately at this point in my life dinero takes priority...pier one is still a possibility...i would love doing their displays...it all depends on who is going to hire me asap.....looking for a job blows...it takes a lot outta ya believe it or not...but i think i was just expecting results to fast...sometimes you just have to wait a little and karma will help things fall into place...

in the cdplayer: The Ghost; By the Books
currently reading: Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawk

My ears are deaf as of now

stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:43 AM [+] ::
...

cross your fingers ladies (and fellas)!!!!!!!!!!!
stellar lady:: naughti 8:07 PM [+] ::
...

i tried to sleep for as long as i could~waking up means letting go...
get up~>skimm through the vocabulary of our minds, you look up love, i look up limit, and thats the only way i've learned to see it. just smoke many cigarrettes, disappointments. you're trying not to feel it, but you did. i did.
walk aimlessly around, crank up the music~ its the sound i refuse to wear, since i'm still walking around everywhere without you. i missed you, and you loved me, on the morning i said no.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:48 AM [+] ::
...

LoCation change: i am a blormal resident once again!

i'm a chillin in my new room in my new apartment(705 bayba) with fellow blogger naughti...its been a awesome day decorating and chillin with peeps... just wanted to put in a post to note the change...too sleepy to think now...more on this college town later...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:01 AM [+] ::
...

check out the lost love project.

we lay next to each other, trying not to be the first to break the silence. the notes poured out of the speakers as he wrapped his arms around my bare stomach. a breeze drifted through the screened window as we drifted off to sleep. when i woke, he didn't love me anymore.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:20 AM [+] ::
...

last nite in cali...

it's been sick (cali word) fun out here....here are a few things i've learned:
1. i (we) have an accent
2. you gotta be quick to catch the gruniouns
3. there will be no peeing on the beach (even if you are drunk)
4. there will be no techno music allowed ever
5. california freeways scare the shit out of me
6. sublime is a must on long road trips
7. the ocean waves will soak you and take your sandals (and brian will not get it for you)
8. flirting is fun on the freeway when there is traffic
9. little dogs pee when they're excited
10. coldstone ice cream is delicious
11. i can only play dinosaurs with a three year old for so long
12. jumping fences in the middle of the night will leave bruises
13. i belong on a beach at all times

stellar lady:: naughti 3:16 AM [+] ::
...

wooooord to all....

here's the heads up...got sick of my old screen name and hotmail address...so here's the new one...i just used this first thing that popped into my head...

email: chicagoskyeline@hotmail.com
AIM: chicagoskyeline ....dont be afraid, i'm friendly.

shit, i cant believe i'm going back to the bloomington-normal area so soon...i'm really pumped. i cant wait to live in my own apartment with my roomates...time is gonna fly; i know this for sure....
everything that has been happening this past week has been so random...my heads been all over the place...and i still dont have all my shit together...but hopefully once i get more settled i'll be able to construct longer, more meaningful posts instead of all this random shit...not that its bad, i just feel like i've been slacking. bah. no pasa nada. ok, yeah. i'm done.

currently reading: A Separate Reality
place to check out:Improv Olympic THeater
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:41 PM [+] ::
...

my new obsession: lifted trucks and surfers (excuse my shallowness).
stellar lady:: naughti 2:43 AM [+] ::
...

currently feeling: distracted and disconnected
currently consuming: V8
book just completed: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

aMazing book; i finished it in two days. go buy it.

music on the brain: Coldplay; Green Eyes

quote of the day: "I certaintly do not hope to alter the world. Perhaps i can put it best by saying i hope to alter my own vision of the world. I want to be more and more myself, as ridiculous as that may sound." ~Henry Miller
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:58 PM [+] ::
...

yo yo yo...greetings from california.....sitting in my cousin's sublime adorned room listening to some good tunes....listen ladies...i've decided we're moving here. mountains, beaches, perfect weather, and beautiful men....why are we living in illinois again? wuwh stellar hotties!


stellar lady:: naughti 1:07 AM [+] ::
...

"People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the waves of the sea, at the long course of rivers, and they pass by themselves- without wondering." -St. Augustine

i´m sitting here at the locutorio and i´m grateful cuz lupe has miraculously decided to install airconditioning, PTLNAF...let me tell ya, its been 97-100 degrees here in madrid and when you have six people in a tiny apartment, no airconditioning, no fans(!), any opportunity to get out of the piso is taken advantage of...so i´m spending some time at the locutorio...and while it can get very hot in chicago, let me tell ya, we are lucky enough to have airconditioning available in every building we enter. in madrid? hell no, and usually those buildings that do have airecondicionar, its definitely not enought to cool off the capactiy of people in the room. the worst thing? THE METRO. i can rant about that to you some other time. sorry for the minor side track...trying to write a reflection type piece here...so lets see how it goes...

honestly though, i´m just in complete awe of how my time here in spain has flown by. and i´m really finding it hard to think of words to describe my emotions about this trip...so i´ll have sabrina help me out. but i must say that this was the experience of a lifetime and i am luckier than shit to have had this opportunity...it really has been amazing and i wouldnt trade it for the world...in the end i´m just very humbled and very grateful.

i have met an innumerable amount of amazing people. i´ve been touched by these lives i didnt know existed. by people i couldnt possibly think up in my head. being in madrid and travelling has really been like a vacation and i´ve had a lot of reflection time. i really liked being quiet and not hearing english being spoken--just looking.

i feel so different than when i left. the aching girl who felt so lost and burnt out and lost in her own self has healed -- something has shifted in me. i feel so strong. i am not afraid of life hurting me.

the more i´m writing, a) the more i realize that i dont know how to write in english(i´ve been working on this blog for over a half hour, rewriting sentences cuz they didnt make any sense) and b) the more i wish i could perfectly articulate and relay every single detail and anecdote of my journey. but thats impossible to do. maybe i should have been blogging more and been more detailed. but this time away from the computer has really done me some good. some of you may be thinking to yourselves that i´ve still been blogging and emailing quite frequently; but i really havent. you dont know how bad the addiction was antes de este viaje. another thing; i´ve noticed and it has been pointed out to me that i seem to have a stuttering problem when i start to talk in english. if you witness this; please refrain from laughing, as we do not want to permanently damage my social-verbal communication skills.

i feel a surge in me to remember all i have learned on this journey; while it won´t be relayed here, i know it will leak out over the next days and months.

trust yourself.

i have learned to wait a little longer, that i can take my life on my backpack. i learned that i can sit by the sea and make a home for myself. i learned that i could make due with situations i used to think i was not capable of. i reconnected to my peers from all over the world -- we are all so similar.

it will feel exciting to be back.
life feels fresh.
i feel so young and so old.
brave.
i did it. i did it. :)
i can hold things a little looser now, lighten my load of expectations. i´ve learned more about myself this year than ever before. i know how hard i can be on myself. but i also know how strong.

i hope that all made sense.

mah stellar ladies...this tuesday! i cant wait to see yas...until then....MWAH

"with nothing to learn, nothing to figure out, no mysteries, thoughts, if there is no knowledge, no fear or no love -- there is no life."

snap back to reality...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:51 AM [+] ::
...

this is what it's all about

fun is running through the streets of chicago in the pouring rain with plastic urban outfitter bags as hats.....fun is going into overpriced clothing stores and trying on all of their clothes and not coming back to the annoying salesperson who wants to know if you "like this one".....fun is drinking the foam at the top of the frappe...um, yuck......fun is singing to songs you thought you knew until the other person in the car was like, "hey, what do they say at that part?"....and you realize in embarassment that you have made up the words in an attempt learn the song....fun is trying to keep entertained in 6:30 chicago traffic (when exactly does the traffic end?) by telopathically trying to get someone to call your friend's cell phone and staring back at the nasty truck driver in the next lane.....fun is getting sick on swedish fish then choking only to be relieved by a sneeze and being offered stale warm water....fun is hiding the clothes you bought and bringing down the price.....thanks to everyone who makes my life fun.




stellar lady:: naughti 12:55 PM [+] ::
...

i want to escape.....i want to live on beach and have the smell of the ocean linger in my hair...i want to dance in the moonlight with sand between my toes....is that so much to ask?

next destination: my bed
stellar lady:: naughti 11:03 PM [+] ::
...

mmmmbleh....exámenes finales...estrés....menos de una semana....¿donde se fue el tiempo?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:07 PM [+] ::
...

all you can drink sangria for € 8 = Trouble and a neverending hangover. vale la pena, ¿no?

tengo menos de dos semanas en europa. its time for one last hurrah.

el próximo estación: Ibiza

Balearic Islands; here we come!
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:10 AM [+] ::
...

mad props to coldplay for trying to make a difference in our world....not only are they extremely talented but they are maintaining their responsibilities as humans....a small piece of advice that saves lives-- drink and buy Fair Trade coffee. and yes, u can still get your trendy drinks at starbucks....but even better for a good cup of fair trade coffee in the chicagoland area try Che's Cafe on taylor street....independently owned and beautiful tomas (un accento, por favor) will hook you up with some delicious food.


stellar lady:: naughti 11:28 PM [+] ::
...

they're not waiting around
on the first bus out of town
they're playing movies
that we've already seen.
the jewelry advances
as the gums recede
the devil goes out dancing
on the angels' perceived needs
please go easy on me.

insurance can't cover
what the world's exposed
open nerves.

music on the mind: les savy fav

can you conceive of
working for the
emporor's new clothes?



stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:20 PM [+] ::
...

i will not worry about tomorrow....better yet i will not worry about things i have absolutely no control over. i know people cringe at the mention of destiny and fate but in reality i believe there are things that cannot be controlled. we take little steps to obtain what we want in life, but where we end up is not up to us. sometimes we have no control, and we can plan things out so perfectly but many times something takes us along a different path and changes our lives forever. our lives can change in seconds. here i am, 20 and half years old and i am not even close to where i thought i would be at this age. but i am greatful. i've decided to have no expectations of myself. no "by the time i'm 25 i want to..." i don't know what career i'm going to have, i don't know if someone out there can love me, i don't know if i can change the world.......so i'm not going to worry. i'm just going to work my butt off to obtain what i want in life and hope to end up in a beautiful place where i'm happy and the people i love are happy.


stellar lady:: naughti 11:20 PM [+] ::
...

"i want to unfold. i dont want to stay folded anywhere because where i stay folded, there i am a lie." -Rainer Maria Rilke

give yourself permission to dream different dreams. take time to dream bravely about your life and let those dreams fall outside the lines. walk throught your neighborhood at sunset, with your walkman turned up, and just wander, with no direction. just look, watch. this is what you do when you travel alone. walk till you find a place where you can see the view from a different perspective...at a cafe or a slab of sidewalk heated by the sun. so much of the time we dont look closely and quietly at where we spend out lives. look at the details. find quiet in the tiny bits of life right around you. take a hot bath, put on a good mix cd, get out your journal and write for 20 minutes without lifting your pen. get down as many dreams of your life as you can...

trust being basic. in your body...from the inside out. get yourself comfortable...whether its deep socks and comfy pants....or staying off the computer a bit more and sitting in the grass a little longer(this has done me wonders)...and definitely pick up a book instead of zoning out to the television. give yourself some time...trust your voice. trust your gut. trust the still empty places in your heart.

speak up. speak up when you disagree. speak up when you love. speak up when you dont understand. speak up when it hurts. speak up when you need help. when we speak up, we become more of ourselves. trust that you are unfolding as you should. and when the growing pains hurt...trust those times even more.

i am here. where do you want to be?

stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:54 PM [+] ::
...

money sucks....i feel ya sam. i'm going to cali at the end of june....but now i have to decided if i want to take a painting class or go to north carolina cuz i don't have the money for both...but really i should be saving up for my apt. so, i'm screwed in all directions...cuz any way you look at it i'm broke.


stellar lady:: naughti 2:06 PM [+] ::
...

Miró believed that everything in the cosmos is linked; colors, sky, stars, love, time, music, dogs, men, women, dirt, and the void. he said "for me simplicity is freedom."
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:13 AM [+] ::
...

yeah, this shit sucks too...why is the value of the american dollar on a downward spiral? let me tell ya, i´ve been working myself into the negatives for over the past month and the fucking exchange rate isnt helping my situation any...its eating up what very little dinero i have left...you would think since the "war" is "over" and since bush is in control of the oil fields; with all this money is coming in now, the value of the dollar would be rocking the currency chart. but let me tell ya, its not. can someone please explain to me this invisible concept of the fluctuating exchange rate, why the dollar continues to plummet and where the government is spending our money?

time to get the hell outta dodge...

él próximo estación: Barcelona
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:49 AM [+] ::
...

i'm sick of this shit (yeah i'm swearing so listen up)......who the hell do we think we are?....invading whatever country we feel like destroying. next on the list...Iran. seriously, who are we to say that their form of government is bad and that we need in infiltrate our own kind of false "democracy" upon them? we haven't even finished what we started in afghanistan or iraq and here we go again. and yet there are people who support this shit without any question. ask yourself what the hell came out of invading iraq? oh yeah that's right...one of our most prestigious leaders is pumping oil right into his bank account. yeah keep on supporting the greed this country is so familiar with, without even so much as doing your research.


stellar lady:: naughti 6:04 PM [+] ::
...

movie to see: the invisible circus

menos un mes...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:38 AM [+] ::
...

sabrina always says it best...

"My oh my. Well, here we are... Have you been feeling this way too?...Whoosh, bang, ahhh! Living! Everything is changing! Trying to digest it all!...
I am one of those people who really likes a "new plan." A fresh start. Change for the sake of change....It's fine, but it makes for a lot of shlepping ~ I have realized I could end up spending half my awake life moving and changing endings, beginnings, over and over... :) ...
I have a lot going on and my mind feels cramped. I need a file cabinet for my brain...More than ever, I believe we must slow down and remember all the reasons why we are working so hard to make our life "happen." This is the time to see the wild roses growing along our over grown paths. We must remember."


The quote of the day: "A worried man can't love."
music on the brain: U2
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:56 PM [+] ::
...

hell yeah....

por el amor del dios....it turns out that my scholarship money isnt going to be cut! let me explain...i was under the impression that my scholarship was going to be cut because i was no longer living in the dorms....well, as it turns out, that information is incorrect...::major sigh of relief:: so i still have all my scholarship money...but i will probably still keep one of my loans to pay off el mucho deudo que tengo ahora...hay dios, gasté much por mi tarjeta de credito estes dias segundas pasadas...no pasa nada...a ver, creo que algunas de estes dias voy a escribir un blog en total español....lo divirtirá. ¿vale?

pues, un poco menos estrés con el dinero....it makes me so happy...everything is going good here...had a few margaritas this evening...feeling pretty groovy...ahora, gotsta do some tarea...

el punto final: honestly...ANYONE...i dont care if i dont know you or not....send me mail! por favor! i love the emails but sometimes handwritten letters are a lot more fun...i have a little over a month here(oh no, only a month ::sigh::)...so it will be here in time...send fanmail to....

Sam ________(if you know the blank, fill it in)
C/ Tenerife 47
1ºA
Madrid, Spain 28039

gratsi todos

Saber que se puede, querer que se pueda
Quitarse los miedos, sacarlos afuera
pintarse la cara color esperanza
tentar al futuro con el corazón
---Diego Torres

caio
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:43 PM [+] ::
...

why is city-life so expensive???? and why is apartment shopping so hard??? i'm tired; can't someone do the job for me?


stellar lady:: naughti 8:58 PM [+] ::
...

RIP my old cat streaker....he passed away last night...the best, most well behaved cat ever...he was 18...and he was spoiled rotten...we should all live more like cats...just be no pasa nada about everything...just chill and live life.

word
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:41 PM [+] ::
...

woo wooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


stellar lady:: naughti 9:04 PM [+] ::
...

yeaaaaaaya! congratulations to my nik! im sooo proud of you...keep us posted on your decesion...even if you move halfway across the country, we will be behind you all the way...

spain is treating me quite well...cant believe i only have a month and a half to go....it makes me sad but im pretty sure ill be returning...this past weekend i went to toledo....a beautiful city with an plethora of history...and yesterday was Adrians first communion...(thats carmen and miguel angels son)...thats a huuuuuge deal...after church we had a three hour lunch with a ton of great food and a lot of liquor...i absolutely love my host family....they make me feel right at home...everything else is grooving along...school is good...it doesnt require nearly as much work as the u.s. ....the differences are pretty unreal...this week we have thurs and fri off of school....el dia de San Isidro....partying on the street all week and weekend long...estoy lista....pues, todo para ahora....un beso

something to think about: beLIEve

i saw a guy in toledo wearing a shirt with this on the front...funny how languages work....
venga, hasta luego..
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:10 AM [+] ::
...

early mornin freestyle....even though it's not that early

i woke up with rhymes in my head
i had to share a word or two
my prescribed knowledge to be fed
to the ignorant, the thristy, the scapegoats, the stupid
i'll shoot up your brains, your veins
with verses that can leave a stain
on your new white shirt
your eyes are clouded, blinded
artistically covered in america's dirt
you can't find it
the images that were in your dreams
because truth has abandoned you
left a note on your table; stole all your money
before you could live out this fable
welcome to life the say
i'd rather live in my sleep
life's ugliness penetrates way too deep

i don't know what that was....just came out....but i'm done with school and it feels good.....i'll have to say even though this week was crazy...it was a lot of fun. junior year...man where has the time gone???!


stellar lady:: naughti 12:36 PM [+] ::
...

hey lush, have fun. its the weekend.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:56 AM [+] ::
...

I don't want to be seen as a pretty thing
'Cause it's the pretty things that we're always breaking...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:44 AM [+] ::
...

two blogs in a row...what's going on ladies?? two more days and i'm done........fo' shizzle!!!
stellar lady:: naughti 10:11 PM [+] ::
...

i've found a phenomenal poet....he brought tears to my eyes....he writes in spanish but his work is translated....simply amazing. check out his book "a tree within" by Octavio Paz.
here is a taste:

This side (este lado)

There is a light. We neither see nor touch it.
In its empty clarities rests
what we touch and see.
I see with my fingertips
what my eyes touch:
shadows, the world.
With shadows I draw worlds,
I scatter worlds with shadows.
I hear the light beat on the other side.




stellar lady:: naughti 10:19 PM [+] ::
...

el próximo estación: Valencia, Spain
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:55 PM [+] ::
...

happiness comes when realization hits hard. when you can finally accept things that you were trying hard to ignore, there is something beautiful that is revealed.


stellar lady:: naughti 1:27 PM [+] ::
...

what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?
you get somebody who stays up all night wondering whether or not theres a dog.

morning is the souls night. the days worst time physically. these mornings with cold floors and hot windows and merciles light- the souls certainty that day will not have be not traversed but sort of climbed, vertically and then that going to sleep again at the end of it will be like falling again, off of something tall and sheer.

recreational drugs are more or less traditional at any u.s. secondary school, maybe because of the unprecedented tensions: post latency and puberty and angst and impending adulthood... to manage their intraphysic storms...its for those who manage their internal weathers chemically...

but like, who isnt, at some lifestage, in the u.s.a. and interdependent regions, in these times, involed with recreational substances. some persons can give themselves away to an ambitious pursuit and have that be al the giving-themselves-away to something they need to do. though sometimes this changes as the players get older and the pursuit more stress-fraught. amercan experience seems to suggest that people are virtually unlimited in their lneed to give themselves away, on various levels. some just prefer to do it in secret. and then there becomes this obsession with the secrecy of it. this no-one-must-know thing. most north americans tend to know way less about why they feel certain ways about the objects and pursuits theyre devoted to than they do the objects and pursuits themselves. its hard to say for sure whether this is even exceptionally bad, this tendency.

its a lot easier to fix something when you can see it.
- de el Infinite Jest

also reading: Fantasmas de Dean Koontz...all in spanish..go me.

a more proper update to come...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:57 PM [+] ::
...

si, mad props to my nat. go uic flame! mah stellar ladies..your creativity will flow and change the world...

"long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore, now i will you to be a bold swimmer, to jump off in the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout, and laughingly dash with your hair." Walt Whitman

i love it here...i can feel my life.

just look and see..
up
against
the sky.

some days flow.
some days really just dont.
this is your life in progress.
feel your life.
trust the story.
stay on your own side.
wear your own colors.
feel your life.
fill your journal...

spill forth yourself.

"all the arts we practice are apprenticeship. the big art is our life" M.C. Richards
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:59 AM [+] ::
...

yo yo yo....so i'm finally gettin' some poems published...hehe...well it's only at uic but hey it's a start, eh?

this one is somehow too emotional for me to finish so i had to end it short.....i'll probably add more on later.


half way home
In a half-lit room

souls are dying and healing
simultaneously
the senses of the body replenish
pain is the first to come
comfort seeps through
a broken window
in the form of unrecognizable cries
the mind forced to learn
the difference between want and need

half way home
half way home

may God give you strength.

***
this one is for u pete....i still hate it :-)


i watch him like i do the stars
Amazed, in awe

captivated by his words
drenched in optimism
he has not befriended pain
merely shook hands and passed by
he walks gently in the footsteps of angels

i watch him like i do the stars
Curious, adoringly

to him things are perfectly flawed
beautiful reality in every laugh
he moves to a beat
within himself

i watch him like i do the stars
Mesmerized.


***


we casually talked
as our souls danced.
nervous glances
meeting one another’s eyes
green, speckled with bronze and gold
didn’t catch your name
I was too busy preparing mine
a pause between subjects
unawkward as our bodies connect
touchless intercourse
deeper than the contact
of our unlike pigments
neither of us seized the day
our fingers crossed
as we walked separate ways
searching through the crowds
hoping ruthless fate
will be kind to two connected souls



stellar lady:: naughti 11:49 PM [+] ::
...

the walls have ears
but nobody hears
when nobodys around.

current location: Madrid...mi casa segunda
music on the mind: Coldplay

If you ever feel neglected,
If you think that all is lost,
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything's not lost.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:02 AM [+] ::
...

On Amsterdam, Holland

this place is surprisingly beautiful. minus the red light district, the city has so much character. i visited the anne frank museum. while it was depressing, it was a large dose of truth. everyone is chill here, as you may have guessed. but i've met a lot of amazing people in the past week, both in italy and here. i will be forever grateful. stellar ladies; wish you were here
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:41 AM [+] ::
...

hey pimpette over there....put those tongue muscles to rest a little....hahaha.....j/k....well not really...just be careful...


stellar lady:: naughti 6:39 PM [+] ::
...

post deleted due to the drunken content. intoxicated posts are so embarrassing in retrospect...i should not be allowed near computers while lush...haha...that was the most incoherent night ive had in awhile...bah, it was fun...well, this is my last day in rome...then im off to amsterdam...what crazy times these are...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:05 PM [+] ::
...

all is well...thanks to our saviour at this internet place...we have a much better hostel....its so crazy to me how things happen...but im learning that no matter where i am and no matter what happens, i can take care of myself. its a great feeling.

caio
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:49 PM [+] ::
...

On Rome, Italy

it is raining here. we have to switch hostels, we are attempting to do this now. the architecture is unbelievable. i will write more later...

mucho amor
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:26 AM [+] ::
...

One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears.
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return the to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.

-maya angelou-excerpt from "Men"

stellar lady:: naughti 12:13 PM [+] ::
...

hell yeah sam!!!!!
all i have to say is that mist sucks big time!!!!! if u don't know what i'm talking about, come to the great city of chicago on a snowy/rainy day and experience mist just making entire body cold and wet. imagine the cool stations in great america except instead of needing to cool off by the mist, you're freezing with a wool hoody pulled over your head.
f*** lollapalooza......ok here's the deal. first of all the only acts worth seeing are J5 and incubus. it's at a huge venue in which they'll probably each only perform for around 30 min. so a total of 60 minutes that will actuallly be enjoyable. ok ...u ready??!!! .....here's capital america to it's fullest....tickets are 50 bucks. sorry ladies but i'm not going....mostly out of pride...if u still want to go sam...let me know i'll get u ticket.


stellar lady:: naughti 12:26 PM [+] ::
...

Destination para semana santa(for sure this time): Rome, Italy y Amsterdam

the flights are booked and everything! i leave this thursday! i cant belive i´m actually doing this.....teehee! check back for updates...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:55 AM [+] ::
...

The Big Picture

The picture is far too big to look at kid. Your eyes won't open wide enough and you are constantly surrounded by that swirling stream of what is and what was. Well, we've all made our predictions but the truth still isn't out. So if you want to see the future, go stare into a cloud.And keep trying to find your way out of that maze of memories. It all sort of looks familiar, but then you get up close and it's different. clearly. Each time you turn a corner, you are right back to where you were and your only hope is that forgetting might make a door appear.Is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak? An avalanche of opinions like the one that feel that I am now underneath. It was my voice that moved the first rock and I would do it all again. So, I mean, it's cool if you keep quiet, but I like singing.So I'll be holding my note and stomping and strumming and feeling so very lucky. There is nothing I know except that this lifetime is just one moment and wishing will just leave me empty. So you can try and live in darkness but you will never shake the light. It will greet you every morning and make you more aware with its absence at night, when you are wrapped up in your blanket baby, that comfortable cocoon. But I have seen the day of your awakening boy and it's coming soon.So go ahead and loose yourself in liquor and you can praise the clouded mind but it isn't what you are thinking it's the course of history, your position in line. You are just a piece of the puzzle so I think you had better find your place. And don't go blaming your knowledge on some fruit you ate. Because there has been a great deal of discussion, yes, about the properties of man. Animal or angel? You were carved from bone, but your heart it's just sand. And the wind is going to scatter it and cover everything with love...this veil, it has been lifted. My eyes are wet with clarity. I have been a witness of such wonders. Oh, I have searched for them all across this country but I think I'll be returning now to the town where I was born. And I understand you must keep moving friend, but I am heading home.I'm gonna follow the road and let the scenery sweeping by easily enter my body. I'll send you all this message in code, under ground, over mountains, through forests, deserts and cities. All across the electric wire, it's a baited line. The hook is in deep boys, there is no more time. So you can struggle in the water and be too stubborn to die, or you could just let go and be lifted to the sky...

Bright Eyes
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:17 PM [+] ::
...

i just realized i lost an hour......i normally could careless but i have to study my arse off for a bio test tomorrow...in which the class average for the first two test was around a 50%. so why is it that i'm here and not in front of my massive book?....yo no se.


stellar lady:: naughti 11:28 AM [+] ::
...

possible travel destination para semana santa: Neuwied, Germany

chechechecheche...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:35 PM [+] ::
...

On Madrid, Spain

this will have to be short...no tengo mucho tiempor ahora, pero...¿donde empiezo? i havent even been here a week and i dont think i ever want to leave...classes have begun and will be easy for the mostpart...no hay mucha tarea....my host family is fabulous...just like surrogate parents...they have two boys...saul who is 14 and adrian who is 9...they rule....and the nightlife? you think you know...but you have no idea....los españoles are crazy....the discotecas go all the way till six oclock in the morning...the drinking age is 18 here...needless to say that has been taken full advantage of...sorry this is short...more on madrid later...

much love to all...

`sta luego
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:41 AM [+] ::
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adios mi amiga....

where has the time gone? if you haven't heard my theory on the gremlins controlling the time, let me know i'll be glad to let you know why some days go by quickly and others drag on forever. three months ago we were saying how you had such a long time before you went to spain...anyway, sam i'm going to miss you but i'm so happy you're doing this. all of your fears will vanish soon, i promise. you are in a perfect place in your life, and although you are not going to be around the people you love, you will have the best company of all...yourself. it's amazing what one can offer herself.... i'm not going to get sappy, i know i kept saying i didn't know what i would do without u...but on a real level, i'll be fine and so will you....i love you dearly...and you know i love spanish men and shoes (place in whatever order you choose)....and make sure you take advantage of this opportunity because not many people can do what you're doing. so adios my beautiful canadian friend (aye!)....con carino....


stellar lady:: naughti 10:21 AM [+] ::
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i quit the internet

well, for the time being atleast. the time has come and i'm off to spain tomorrow. it doesnt even feel real. its quite an odd mixture of emotions. i really can't think of any prolific schpeel. next time i appear on this blog i will be half a world away. i'm so glad that i'm doing this. living in spain is something i've always wanted to do. though i didnt purchase the eurail pass; i want to be in europe and see how strong the anti-american vibe is. obviously its prevalent, but if its strong enough where my safety is in jeapordy...then that will inhibit my travel plans. it will be a bit more expensive to purchase travelling tickets over in europe...but hopefully i will be dropping a line from italy or switzerland. here i go.

i would also like to note that i am the best suitcase packer ever. everyone i was talking to kept asking...'oh, are you finished packing yet?'...i replied with "uhhh....havent started yet." so i was extremely apprehensive that i was goin to be up till ungodly hours finishing packing...but alas; it really only took me two hours. i just have a few things left that will be packed after i'm done getting ready. go me. i am a brilliant, time-efficient multitasker. please everyone, hold your applause till the end.

why must i go to spain? because it is there and i am here. lost is where i'll be found. everything is just beginning. life is rushing past me, sweeping me up for the ride and i am happy. life is fast forwarding. and i'm pushing play. and then record. you should too.

well, blogger is having some deep internal error and changes to the template arent showing up. so everyone; email me at slcurti@ilstu.edu. thats the mail i'll be checking. if you would like my address/ phone number too, contact me there.

tunes The Firebird Band; The Distance

mah stellar ladies and everyone; take care over the next couple of months. stay tuned. i'm out.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:33 AM [+] ::
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sometimes its hard to breathe at night.

the past few weeks it seemed as if the darkness was attempting to suffocate me. no matter how deeply i inhaled, i still couldnt get enough air. the core of my being ached. one night i opened a window, but the rush of cool air provided a substantial shock to my lungs instead of the expected ease of relief. my heart raced while my foot would glide off the edge of the bed, and
begin to bounce out of sheer anxiousness/impatience. the heart began palpatate at a quicker pace as each moment passed.

i watched as the numbers on the clock crawled, and they began to flash forward. i tossed and turned, fluctuated between hot and cold, as the numbers seemed to separate from the clock itself. it seemed as if time was this tangible entity, which could be defined with regards to the constraints of its surrounding reality. here, in this room, it is able to float simultaneously forwards and backwards. it was as though time, while sitting so perfectly on the nightstand, was placed into confinement, given a routine knowing no boundaries, and continued to search for a way to indulge beyond its limited definition.

with a patronizing fear[source: unknown] i flicked the light on to get a better grasp on what the fuck was goin on. the seconds continued to tick, the minitues went by, the hours accumulated, the days added up, and time, well really, it just stood still. and i gazed across the room and the box on my dresser which dictates 'time', and the whole notion of it had been completely
drained, lost, misplaced in the shuffel...

leaving no solid or comprehensible definition...

and leaving a soul to find answers on its own.

in the cdplayer: tori amos; silent all these years
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:21 AM [+] ::
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