:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Sunday, July 28, 2002 ::

oh shanobee!
yeah well, the countdown is definitely on....just this morning me and mike were talking about him leaving for michigan in a few weeks....he is the only guy i can truly call my friend.....he has a beautiful energy that no one can touch and i'm lucky to have him in my life....i don't think he understands what his friendship means to me, but maybe at the same time i don't fully understand what i mean to him either... although we started out very much alike, we are now two completely different people who are constantly learning from one another. being stuck in an under-airconditioned, under-paying retail store hasn't been so bad with his company....thanx babe.





stellar lady:: naughti 12:10 PM [+] ::
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i'll second that emotion...

nik hun, i feel ya. i was thinkin a lot today about where my summer went, as i am less than three weeks away from movin back down to school. and i cant quite recall. the majority of its a blur, and tho i can say its been groovy, i cant say that i wasnt a slave to the routine passing of monotonous days. out of routine,
we become comfortable and against change; afraid to try new things. but we must realize that; if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. remember to take time for yourself nik, and never forget what it is you really want. time to break out of the mold. you can start over and walk into a new life at any moment.

so the summer has ruled and i have spent it in the company of wonderous people. but i shall reminisce at a later date; i'm going to live in the present, as i do have a few short weeks left to enjoy.

update: cristine's mother did not agree with my solution, hence; she will not be living in the city.....there's a lot more to the story but i've just exhausted it so much in my head that i cant reitterate anymore. there are so many more problems that are goin to come about because she has to live at home. i feel that it is a control thing with her mother, as it is with many parents. they just dont want to let go. i dont unerstand it, cant they see that in the end, their children will resent them? cristine already resents her mother. i fear their relationship will only disintergrate even more. there has to be some understanding and respect occurring in a parent-child relationship. overdominance on either end is only an ingredient for conflict and destruction.
but maybe this is the way things are suppose to happen, or maybe, as cristine says, 'lifes just a bitch'.

well, as i promised to write more positive things i will say this; i adore my parents. they restore my battered faith concerning love and relationships, proving that a marriage is not only something you work for, but something to be enjoyed. my father surprised my mother this morning with paul mccartney tickets for his show in september at the united center. i cant tell you how awesome it felt to see her get so excited, and see the twinkle in my dads eye seeing her so happy. i love them to death. they give my faith in everything that lies uncertain and unanswered.

book about to finish: bridget jones; the edge of reason

musica: a peak you can reach by badly drawn boy

well ladies and gents, another summer nite passes by.
dont forget; in daylight, all is as it is.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:00 PM [+] ::
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its shitty how things happen sometimes.

i talked to cristine, my friend from second grade, tonight who unfortunately relayed the message to me that she will not be moving to the city and attending Harrington Institute, an interior design school. her mother is refusing to co-sign for the loan, which is cristine's only method of paying for school. and i am beyond frustrated for her. she is creative genious at its best, and has finally got her shit together and is deciding to pursue her dreams. but her parents are stopping her. her mom wont co-sign and her dad wont give her a penny. its fucked up to me. i guess i am one of the lucky ones who has parents that are supportive to no end(most of the time). but thats something else to think about....

i understand her parents are divorced and money is tight with her mom....and her dad, well, he's just tight. it killed me to hear her say, "i guess i'm just one of those kids who cant afford to go to school. things just dont work out for people like me." thats horse shit to me. her original plan was to quit her job(which she did prior, for the corporation known as Dominicks is full of people who can, by definition, be described as self-rightous assholes), sell her car and move to the city. she was going to live in an apartment(which the cost would be included in the loan), go to school full time, and get a part time job. but she's got to throw it all away.
now, she would have to go to school part time(her mom is willing to co-sign for a small loan) and commute, which by the grace of god she did not want to do, for admirably, she doesnt put up with people's stupidity and you encounter that when you commute. she would need to get a new job, but since she quit dominicks, she wont be making enough to afford her car payment and car insurance. and i think if she spends any more time living in her house, something/someone is going to endure her wrath. she needs to be on her own. she's been held back too long.

after hearing her anecdote, my mind went into high gear frantically searching for some type of solution so she wouldnt have to give up on her dreams. i came up with cristine moving to the city, the rent of the apartment coming along with the price of the loan, going to school part time instead of full, and getting a new job with as many hours as possible. itll be more than the few thousand her mom is willing to co-sign for, but its not as much and the 24,000 it would be for her original plan. i am currently awaiting her phone call, for when i hung up with her, she was going to present this idea to her mother. the idea seems so logical now that i look back on it. but we'll see how logical it is to her mother. i'll keep ya updated, i have a good feeling about this. look out world. cristine is on her way.

sometimes i find myself thinking, god, who's reading our posts. and what are they going to think about what we write? i then catch myself about to censor what i'm going to post or not post at all. two seconds later, i realize that i dont give a shit. fuck all the whatnot about other people. lifes too short. what we write here is real. this is us. (tho me and nadia have an affinity for our blogger, nikki is slow to find the attraction....but i know she's a busy lady so i'll let that slide...evidence of her addiction will be prominent soon). so if you dont like it, refer to our comments&suggestions link. enough said.

speaking of addiction. webster defines it as: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal. i have never admitted to myself that i was addicted to ciggarettes. i thought i could stop anytime. (i did for 15 days, which included my trip to the carribbean). but today, after i stopped home to get magazines for my treacherous boring evening at the blue dahlia i knew in my head i had to get smokes for the afternoon. i think my addiction to smoking has much to do with my tendencies to overanaylize and my inability to stay focused for longer than two minutes on the situation at hand. Cleveland has diagnosed me with ADD. why my mother fails to acknowledge the symptoms is beyond me.

so i want to quit. i think...i know how awful it is for me. how i wish i never started. i dont want this to be in control of my life, pissing my money down the drain. but nadia and nikki are going to help. hopefully i'll be able to help myself.

wow, this was a long post. atleast my longest yet. guess i had a lot of shit on my mind...who knows, i'm sure the posts will get even longer...i promise i'll try to have some more positive anecdotes next time...i'm hoping everything will happen for the best with cristine....god knows she deserves all the happiness in the world...fate took her so far and now she's trying to make it happen. but then again, fate is just another four lettered word.

tunes: irish car bomb by hot rod circuit

he said: 'breathe in, exhale, you know you taste like cancer'
and what am i doing?
going out for a smoke, asshole.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:48 PM [+] ::
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when did i stop fighting for freedom????
i know i've been writing many negative things lately....complaining about a life people are dying to just have a taste of.....for about two years i've tried to make a difference in our governments policy towards a particular country .....i've stood protesting with thousands of people in numbing cold weather....i've written letters....God knows i've cried and prayed....i found myself so completely hopeless as i watched hundreds of injured children carried out of an apartment complex on tuesday when their homes were missled in the middle of the night by soldiers armed with weapons bought by the U.S.....i can sing marley's lyrics about love, freedom, and fighting for what is true all day long....but everything he stood for goes in vain if we don't speak out for the people who are stifled by injustice.....
stellar lady:: naughti 12:32 PM [+] ::
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crippled grandma

so here i am.......knee all busted up....i now understand what an old woman feels like. i never understood why old people never want to ask for help and when they do, they feel like a burden.....well, i felt like such a useless piece of matter when my friend had to help me walk down stairs and wipe the spilling water from the frozen bag of green beans resting on my knee. i never realized how much i take my healthy body for granted.
so thank you huff for your hospitality and loyalty as a friend.......i've come to realize most people in world are not reliable and worthy of a good friendship. i don't ask for a lot in a person....just be real with me. call when you say you're going to....show up when plans are made....just don't take me for granted and i promise... the relationship will enlighten your self-cosumed life.

stellar lady:: naughti 11:21 PM [+] ::
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damn emotional fuckwittage

i'm still having trouble deciphering how much to give in to love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. i'm searching for the ability to turn my emotions off. this seems to be the only way to safely keep my sanity. its not the way i want to live in love, but at this point involving myself in a situation which would, in retrospect, be considered a self-inflicted wound, is not something i can bear to put myself through right now.

keeping myself emotionally removed is the only choice available. i dont have time, and i wont especially when school begins, to be plagued by the drama of it all. making the decision for him and cutting myself off will save us both some time. i dont want to be caught up in any games. fuck that shit. i refuse to put myself in that situation. i'm choosing for you. i give up.

cuz then again, its just an everyday thing.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:30 AM [+] ::
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Hard Liquor is the Root of all Evil

i have come to the conclusion that i need to stick to my twisted ice tea and beer, for when a person drinks hard liquor; it is impossible to gauge the alcohol content running through your body. 3 shots of an unknown substance and 4-5 raspberry vokda drinks later, my head found the bar as a comfortable resting place. shortly, i found an alley in which i regurgitated my beverages consumed earlier. it was not an experience i had on my agenda for the evening. i apologize for the gruesome details. i know its a bad part of the story, but its still a part.



i later woke up in my friends pat's car to a girl and a guy asking me if i'm alright. i was curled up in the front seat with the windows down, by myself. i thanked them for their concern and assured them i was ok. assuming my friends were getting last call, i rolled up the window and passed out again.



i'm sure there's more to the evening, but unfortunately i cant recall a good portion of it at the moment. if anything else exciting hits me upside the head, i'll let ya know.



but despite my illness, my lack of stamina to stay coherant for the remainder of the evening, and the large hangover which clung to my head/stomach the majority of the day, it was quite enjoyable. the atmostphere was great; small, friendly, and cozy. though our bartender, murph, made my drinks with the dangerous combinations of stiff and tasty, our tab for the four of us came to $18. murph, you are my god.



it was a sucessful evening. rob stated that i got hammered, i got sick, and i went 120. i was still drunk at 7:30 in the morning. a sucess it was.



newfound phrase: courtesy of moe, pup a chuck, mana subin a
translation: kiss my ass, asshole.


ya learn something new every day....

stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:41 PM [+] ::
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so i've decided that many of us have too much potential to waste...i'm not saying we shouldn't do things to please ourselves but we have way too much to offer the world...nik with drawing and fashion designing...sam with writing...yes writing...and me...well, me with my many dreams...
so sick of being a coward.....i've been a coward all my life....5th grade i wanted to sing the solo in the school play so bad....and i never tried out.....liz maybee got the part....i still know the song by heart...i write songs to sing in the comfort of my living room....i write poems in a journal that remains closed...i don't push myself hard enough to learn more about photography and painting....
it's time to step out of our comfort zones.......the world is not a comfortable place....


stellar lady:: naughti 4:03 PM [+] ::
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Sam: 5
Computer: 1


stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:41 PM [+] ::
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hehehe....
i can be taught!

Sam: 3
Computer: 1


stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:50 PM [+] ::
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hahahahahahaha.........it worked baby! still add me on as an admin. just in case.....
kisses...
stellar lady:: naughti 12:46 PM [+] ::
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where is my name?????? the last message was me....naughti. we'll fix this thing later.
stellar lady:: naughti 12:45 PM [+] ::
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samauri........my angel...you did it! looks good....can't wait to show nikki. so i think i wrote a lame song in my last attempts to stay awake last night...but i'll probably hate it today...
well, time to make an imprint on the meaningless actions of today.......
lets hope this thing works......

movies to waste your time watching: Amelie, Waking Life
stellar lady:: naughti 12:17 PM [+] ::
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ahhhhh....sucess!!
on that note, with The Shining on tv, the little boy repeating redrum....i'm off to bed....
i'll figure more of this computer shit out later
its time to return to the illusion of sleep

stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:27 AM [+] ::
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ok, i figured out the bold thing...now i'm tryin to get my nickname instead of my entire name at the end of my entry.....
wish i was more computer literate...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:21 AM [+] ::
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whats the most beautiful word in the american language?

resist

stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:18 AM [+] ::
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rahhh........stupid computer
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:46 PM [+] ::
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Ahhhh the wonders of technology......

i find myself frustrated at this stupid computer screen and am resisting the urge to throw it across the room....but i think i'll figure it out eventually....i am going to apologize ahead of time, and only once....for our atrocious spelling and mishaps...i dont know what else to say and hopefully nadia and nikki will be up and running on this blog whatnot shortly....
i'll keep ya posted.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:43 PM [+] ::
...