:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Monday, December 30, 2002 ::

Very interesting story. i find myself with an overwhelming preocupation/fascination with psychology. the interest has always been there; it is just more prevalent/blatant right now. i'm reading the book The Road Less Travelled. go buy it. its brilliant.

i have had too many days off of work. ok, this is only my third day off, but i've come to the conclusion that thats too much. i NEED to work. you may think i am crazy; for with all this free time i can do whatever activities i please. but i've come to the conclusion that things dont operate that way. when you have this unlimited amount of time given to you, in which you may do what you please; things dont get accomplished. you put things off, "i'll do it in an hour" or "oh its so late i'll just wake up early and do it tomorrow". but the fact is, in an hour you say the same thing and you inevitably dont get up early the next day you then find yourself in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting, losing your dreams to protect your days...or some shit like that; i dont remember how the quote goes. but basically when i work; i am able to ration my time and accomplish the things i want to accomplish. This extra time makes me lazy. i sicken myself sometimes.

ok, i think i've bored you guys enough with my half-thoughts and my incomplete philosophies. but dont you worry; one day i'll write a book. and then this will all make sense. alright, i'm off to waste my time in some more exciting ways.

and your pills make me dizzy forgetting my body
i watch as it walks away
and I just keep drinking the poison and smoking the cartons
a pack and a half a day
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:48 AM [+] ::
...

its such a lie that you should do whats in your heart. if we all did what was in our hearts; the world would grind to a halt
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:58 PM [+] ::
...

"Those who hurt, instruct"~Benjamin Franklin
"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering."~Carl Jung

stellar ladies; we are slackers...it has been a week since the last post; but this must be forgiven on the grounds that it is the busiest time of year and we all have been consumed by the art of making money in jobs which cator to the art of repetitive buying by consumer america. eh, cela vie.

i am too nostalgic to write right now. christmas is again a success in my household...my family members enjoyed my gifts and i have new music, books, dvds, and paints to keep my busy over tht next couple of months. not to mention items to prepare my for my time in spain. also the TNT station play 24 hours of A Chirstmas Story. best movie ever. i am happy.

i will try to be back before the new year to do a recap deal for ya, fondly recalling that Veni, vidi, vice. i'm making no promises but i'll do my best. merry chirstmas, happy belated chanukah and ramadan, or more universally and politcally correct; seasons greetings and happy holidays whatnot. basically; enjoy your day off. especially to those in retail who shall return to deal with complaints and returns from unhappy customers who have over the course of one day, lost this joyous spirit that supposedly comes with the holiday season. dont worry...this only lasts a few short days and then we ring in a new year. and with this; an excuse to party hardy and transition from 2002 to 2003 by means of a hazy, incoherent disposition. carpe diem.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:22 PM [+] ::
...

i'm posting again yes; for this computer withdrawl is harsh to my system. just got back from the city...saw Taking Back Sunday...they were phenomenal...most definitely a kick ass show...i really enjoyed The Starting Line as well...i'm goin to have to check that cd out...thanks to naughti and kevin for an excellent evening. good nite to all.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:24 PM [+] ::
...

i really dont have anything profound to say...i am deciding to keep things short and simple; for i dont think you want to read 10 minutes worth of rant and raving about how verizon wireless is shit and anyone who uses them for their cellular service ought to boycott and go for sprint. i'll save you from that. but i shall be having a new cell phone number soon enough. those relevant will be posted.

i've had the past four days off...dont know where they went...back to work tomorrow...which will be good because i should not be allowed to be out in consumer america with other holiday shoppers...i become suseptible to the 'sales' and 'deals' and 'sign up for a JCpennies card and save 10 percent today on your purchase!'....its sickening...i will admit one weakness of mine; Urban Outfitters. especially the one on walton in the city. but all my christmas shopping is almost done...just a grab bag item for work that i need to pick up...well, a few other things too....i like and dislike this time of year....i'm sure the reasons to love the holiday seasons are obvious...i could go into a long entertaining story on my views but you'll have to forgive me...i lack the energy at the moment...instead i'll leave you with this anecdote from a genious mind on the east coast which takes a satirical look at our holiday traditions in the good old U. S. of A.

random thoughts:
1. its absolutely fucking freezing in my house. you think you know, but you have no idea.
2. i need to get my visa for spain.
3. i finally convinced my parents to get us a treadmill. they are getting it this weekend. ha, no more excuses
4. reality tv shows are perfectly disgusting. there are some i do indulge in myself, but society can be pretty sickening.
5. That 70's Show is the best show ever...so is Everybody Loves Raymond...that right there is intelligent humor which most of the masses do not understand...just like the movies...right nat?
6. TBS is tomorrow at the metro. i'll see you there. if you dont have your ticket; you're out of luck. its sold out, sucker.

alright. thats it. things are pretty idle right now. i'll make sure to do some heroin and shrooms and do some crazy fucked up shit so i may relay something more entertaining and prolific for you to read.

movie to see: The Ring...not the best movie...but one to escape to, freak out to, and make you turn on all the lights when you get home
music on the mind: Taking Back Sunday; Great Romances of the 20th Century
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:40 PM [+] ::
...

i saw love vanish from someone's eyes last night, and for a moment i didn't believe that love existed....for how could something that wakes him in the middle of the night with tears in his eyes be worth the fight?


stellar lady:: naughti 1:08 PM [+] ::
...

A Dichotomy of Doppelganger

well, i'm back home and already into the ruitine of daily life here. back at the flower shop; which can be tiring at time, but its good to see my friends there...definitely not my boss bill tho...he is more of a smelly asshole than ever...his cheap cologne in the morning makes me gag. but i should be havin my raise as a designer which will be needed considering i have major expenses, ie; spain, rent coming up. i will have to make sure though because there have been too many times where important things like raises have been "accidentally" not been mentioned.

this leaves me undecided because i do not know if i want to get a second job at the awesome little cafe not too far from my house. if i do it will not be until after christmas for the hours will be more demand at the shop b/c of xmas time. even if i do apply; i do not know if i would want to be a server. those who know me understand that i lack in the hand-eye-feet coordination aspect. i can forsee many unhappy occurrences...i will have to decide soon though. time is a flying.

speakin of xmas...i have practically no shopping done...this holiday season completely crept up this year.....theres only ____ shopping days left(i really dont know how many are left; i am a) too lazy to do the math and b) relying on the medium of television which is behind me now reminding me that "time is running out")...i suppose i've never really been on top of those kind of things though. something that parallels my procrastination problem.

its funny because i am sort of going through computer/aim withdrawl....i think anyone in college who has access to cable internet will thoroughly agree...i know my roomates do...i believe its been diagnosed at a CTD...a computer transmitted disease...a hardcore distraction...but my computer is still in a box in the den...hopefully tonight it will be up and running...but then i'll only have access to my music cuz we need to get a cord to hook her up to the cable internet...so until then, i'm on my parents computer...which is slower than fuck and has forced me to use even more profanity than the excessive amount that comes out of my mouth...so i wont be up and running on the AIM and the email responses will not be as consistent...so fans; please have patience.

all my shit is in plastic bags and is either sitting in the middle of my living room or my bedroom...my goal has been to get my shit together and unpack...but that wont happen...i'll be livin out of plastic bags till probably after new years...some of it will probably still be there when i leave for spain. speaking of new years...gotta figure out my plans for that...i love to get sentimental and shit and think about where i was a year ago and how much things have changed and how much i've grown/learned....yeah, the average reader of this will be like "ha, how sappy and after-school special sounding"...but its true...if you dont have time to look in retrospect and analyze and learn...you gain nothing...reflecting is one of the best tools in bettering your situation...

thats all for now. my ma is making pasta fagioli....mmmm home cookin...and the best part is its free!

"you think i'm just some asshole in the mix."
"i dont use the term, 'in the mix'."
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:54 PM [+] ::
...

some quotes from Huff:
"one thing at a time, one thing at a time" -telling four stories at once does not work.....
"i don't know anything..." -yes huff, your inncocence can sometimes get you in trouble...hence the slip up comment referring to "big feet" in the newpaper.
"i'm done..."- as we lounge in big leather chairs overlooking the silhouette of the city.........all i can say is word, baby, word!

stellar lady:: naughti 1:47 PM [+] ::
...

note to self: tequila and rum is not the best combination for an early morning.

time to move outta blormal. love ya so bad beotches and miss ya hard core. keep the MASH and floorplan up yos~mwah~


stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:14 AM [+] ::
...

what exactly am i doing here?????
muchas besas y bueno suerte mis amoras.....
stellar lady:: naughti 8:08 PM [+] ::
...

'time', i dont know what it is but i wish that i had some of it.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:33 PM [+] ::
...

housing problem: solved
finals completed: 1
finals to go: 4
amount of studying completed in the past 48 hours: 0
days left in bloomington normal: 2

time to get my ass in gear.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:44 PM [+] ::
...

this is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

word
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:51 AM [+] ::
...

A Clockwork Orange

they way that my brain functions continues to surprise me day after day. i can analyze to no end and half the time, i can be such an active listener. but sometimes; i dont get the simplest things, i'll stop listening(not on purpose mind you, ADHD), or i'll be in mid sentence and forget what the fuck i'm talking about. i can remember the most insignificant details about situations that will never directly affect me in the future. but important things, like my housing contract for next semester, completely slip my mind.

tonight; tori(my future roomate next year) is moving in with cleveland upon my departure next semester. so she's attempting to register for my room, and asks me if i have cancelled my contract. sam=dumbass. how the fuck could i forget about this? so i'm freaking because according to ISU, i need to cancel by certain dates and if i fail to do this, i will have to pay a whopping $627. what...the...fuck....why was i not aware of this?

i quickly scrambled through my spain information and found some relief. i am to fill out a "Block of Time" form which will (1) exempt me from the 4 semester housing rule and (2) exempt me from the panalties for canceling my contract, study abroad is an accepted reason for canceling. so i will go to the University Housing Office and complete this tomorrow. i just hope it doesnt fuck up anybody else's situation, and create a dent in my already spent banking account. so if all goes well, i will not have to incur this debt. i need to get on ginko baloaba or some shit. i've got to save this deteriorating memory of mine. i'll keep ya updated.

time for bed. tomorrow; 7:30 breakfast at vrooman fine dining(the days are winding down for omlets from the best omlet maker ever), off to take care of this shit i got myself into, and then my spanish final. deséeme mucha suerte.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:40 AM [+] ::
...

i keep you around as a means of inspiration
a tool for my temporary brilliance
your inconsistency enables a constant flow of light

~
fate is a beautiful surprise....

back to class....

stellar lady:: naughti 10:06 AM [+] ::
...

Word of the Day:

derelict
1 : abandoned especially by the owner or occupant
2 : lacking a sense of duty

spacing out with: Remy Zero; Shattered

everytime its time to go. one more week.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:53 PM [+] ::
...

note to self:
-do not wear tan gym shoes in the snow
-do not attempt to run fingers through hair with gloves on...it will cause major static electricity
-start lifting waits because frozen car doors are common
-keep eyes open for so-called friends on campus who plummet you with snow
-slush sucks...ice is worse
-always have an ice scraper in your car, because closed umbrellas do not do the job
....this is just the beginning of my battle with the wonderful world of winter....

stellar lady:: naughti 8:10 PM [+] ::
...

The Casualty

first i just want to clarify to clear up any confusion; i put quotes such as those by maynard to evoke emotions inside of those who read this blog. i dont necessarily put them there because they are what i believe, but because i believe it is good to reassess and question what you believe...strong/bold/extreme statements challenge your thought processes. after analyzation; it will either bring you to agree with their point of view or strengthen the foothold in your own beliefs...i'm just offering opposing viewpoints to the norm, another way to look at things.

its good to consider other points of view...life is about opening up to new worlds and redefining who you are and what you stand for. you realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained in your psyche...and you begin to sift through all the bull shit you've been fed and eventually reach a point where you discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown; or should have never bought into in the first place.

today was my last lecture for my literay narrative class...it really makes me sad. that was probably by far the best class of the semester...if not all i have taken here at ISU. my professor and grad student teacher ruled. its one of those classes where i'm going to take a lot with me. it reminded me a lot of literary themes(previously known as independent lit) from highschool; except here the course readings are chosen for you. which isnt necessarily a bad thing. i think its good to be forced to read books under which normal circumstances you wouldnt read. it broadens your horizons. thats provided you take the time to free read at all, you lazy bastards. ha, i guess i shouldnt talk shit tho. i'm guilty of unopened books myself.

reading is a god like science. this material gives you knowledge; useful knowledge. for we should not be suckered by what the government is feeding us. resist and defy; i dont want to be a pawn. neither should you.

regarding the pursuit of forbidden knowledge; the opinions diverge. everyone wants it but some things should be kept from the human race. Jay Robert Oppenheimer; creator of the atomic bomb, would agree that we should restrict our curiosity. because my god, what have we done?

we are reading frankenstein in my lit class..much different from the movie. note: frankenstein is the creator of the monster, not the monster itself. i understood this after i missed that question which seemed blatantly obvious because of backround info i had accumulated in my childhood. but i must remember; all is not as it seems. also, i should probably read the texts before i go to class. but frankenstein and his monster are both on the verge of madness. the creator is self-devoted. the creature is selfish. in order to make what you want you must destroy what is already there. now, the big cosmic question. for, we are here, right? so why are we capable of hurt? of suffering? why should we have this ability of emotion? now, whether you believe in a god or believe we are here by natural selection or soem other random process, why cant we just be happy? if you belive in god, why would a good god allow us to hurt? if we are here by evolution, where the fuck did these emotions come from? all valid questions i suppose. maybe its all based on perception. but none the less the biggest bummer is inevitable. its that you're going to die.

its all madness and insanity...the differentiation between waking life and dream life. i mean, how do we know we're not dreaming? memeories are the dreams that are mistaken for reality. we think we know what past is, but do we? can we really distinguish these things? when the story ends, frankenstein has learned nothing. he is no wiser than at the beginning.

a man once said to the universe,
"sir, i exist."
"however," replied the universe, "the fact has created in me no sense of obligation."

Updates:
1. my flight is booked for spain...i'm outta here march 28....babooya!
2. figured out my major/minor situation. as much as i would love to do a minor in english as well; i would be here probably another three years more than necessary....so its boiled down to a major in International Communications with a minor in spanish...my minor will be completed when i return from spain and in two years, spring of 2005; i will have myself a degree. note to self: turn in application to mass comm department before next week.

spacing out with:Cursive; Shallow Means, Deep Ends

alright, i'm going to be productive now. yeah right, no i'm not. fuckers.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:50 PM [+] ::
...

so i understand it is 8:50 in the morning....with little sleep because of my bad decision to stay in the city last night when i could have gotten work done, i'm at school feeling the urge to vomit (one of the side-effects of me getting no sleep) and trying to work on my paper (don't worry i'm almost done).

quick note: i think this is the second time i've disliked something this keenan guy has said. i do believe there is a difference between being spiritual and religious. you can be spiritual but not religious and vice versa. but to insult religion as a whole is wrong. it seems to me that he is referring to one religion, or better yet, corrupt people giving a particular religion a bad name, and he shouldn't generalize his thoughts to such a broad scope. there are certain traditions within certain religions that i disagree with, but i would neve dismiss all religions like that.
stellar lady:: naughti 8:54 AM [+] ::
...

just a few things to consider; compliments of my fit of unproductiveness...

"There is a big difference between religion and spirituality. If you are walking a spiritual path, it is because you are trying to help others or yourself for the greater good. You are trying to become a more concious being through your actions and by understanding what motivates you. Religion on the other hand is basically a marketing plan. There is a middle-man involved and somewhere along the line, somebody is going to ask you for your credit card number. They are going to pass a plate in front of you, trick you into giving 10% of your income to some child-molesting fuckhead, ask for your money, or worse - trick you into giving up your civil rights over some story book"
Maynard James Keenan

'Have you got any soul?' a woman asks the next afternoon. That depends, I feel like saying; some days yes, some days no. A few days ago I was right out; now I've got loads, too much, more than I can handle. I wish I could spread it a bit more evenly, I want to tell her, get a better balance, but I can't seem to get it sorted. I can see she wouldn't be interested in my internal stock control problems though, so I simply point to where I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.'

maybe guilt distorts perception. i asked your opinion; you said you didnt feel guilty.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:55 AM [+] ::
...

the constant is not so constant anymore.

back in blormal with only a little over a week to go...

peace out beotchs...see ya in a few.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:59 PM [+] ::
...

"i've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be. so it's easier to remember who i am."- brian andreas

go here for further inspiration.

currently listening to: Aerosmith; Crazy
voy a hacer: mira una pelicula se llama PI con mi amora........buenos noches y duerman bien........
stellar lady:: naughti 10:21 PM [+] ::
...

Happy Turkey Day and So Forth...

it definitely feels good to be at home. i didnt realize how much i missed the idiosyncrasies of everyday life here. but sometimes i catch myself reverting back to my preconceived notions of this town and the people; though it is true that gossips as good as gospel in this town. i cant let myself get caught back in that web. when i do, i lose everything i have learned over the past two years. remember; ya must not let outside influences dilute or infect your state of mind.

but nonetheless; its good to be here...my family, my friends, my cats...and little things; the way my house is absolutely fucking freezing because my father is the heat nazi, my brothers and i laughing as we watch the simpsons...my cat and how deaf he's become...not that we laugh at his misfortune; but he's a riot....ya know, shit like that...its crazsy; this will be my permanent residence again soon...but only for the next three in a half months...and its a little less than two weeks and i'm out of blormal...it creates a melancholy which worms its way through my body, but a relief at the same time...i cant explain it...it sucked packin up half my shit, my side of the room empty...i will miss school to an unbelievable extent; but i will be able to breathe here again...and look at things in a different light and take advantage of this time/location.

alright~sorry about that, just had to get those serious things off my chest....oh wait; chicas~ this is what i was referencing to last night...i found it, ya knew i would...

blah blah blah...well, i cant think of anything else to say...i'll return w/ something more entertaining soon...this weekend i'm sure; for i will do my best to avoid unpackin my shit, doin laundry, and gag me~studying for finals...

so i had this contemplation...i'm thinkin a may do a double minor...i'm not sure if thats even possible..so i'll have to find out...but i'm just in love with my literary narrative class....so a major in International Communications w/ a minor in spanish and in english... if i could, i would major in everything...sometimes there's a hunger of knowledge inside me and i cant seem to get full...

everyone eat massive amounts of food; i sure will...not that ISU doesnt provide fine dining services but ya can only handle so much of that shit. theres nothin like ma's home cookin...

on another quick tangent; a friend had asked me why i didnt believe in love and i just wanted to correct him...i do; i said that phrase out of a fit of emotional damage...i do believe in love but its hard sometimes...this unique and undescribable concept has hurt me and kept me up more nights than a care to count...

it got worse~
the current world is unexplainable
like the first verse.
trippin, flippin,
alone with no sense of
why or time.
me, myself,
and...
you.
what?
cant even explain how i just paused in thought
and got you on my mind.
chaos reigns~
so the beat stutters three times.
a ringing phone,
wait.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:06 PM [+] ::
...

let me begin by saying what an eye-opening experience i had today.....
how many twelve year olds do you know that contemplate death?...that live day to day wondering why they must endure the horrors that surround them.....there are thousands of children that have lost the innocence within them and are left with a heart full of hate. there are children who experience a lifetime of pain in one day, and they experience it everyday. you want proof of the monsters who impose such torture?....watch a documentary by James Longley...entitled "Gaza Strip". it is taken from the point of view of palestinian children in the gaza strip...it's real...no filtering...no lies. the inhumanity imposed by the people occupying palestine will make you doubt the goodness within people. their purpose is torture...not justice...nerve gas, which paralyzes one's body and feels as though you going to explode, is not a way in which a message should be spread.
ok...i'm at a friend's house....gotta go....to be continued.....
stellar lady:: naughti 12:49 AM [+] ::
...

i caught myself before i fell
into the trap that i constructed
decieving the very person i trusted
there is no truth in anyone
when you can't believe yourself

ok i should probably pay attention in class now....
stellar lady:: naughti 10:04 AM [+] ::
...

i was looking through my desk drawer, i guess i found what i was looking for.

"remember; self-realization is one of the biggest goals in life. to laugh is to risk appearing a fool. to weep is to risk appearing sentimental. to reach out for another is to risk involvement. to expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. to place your ideal, your dreams before a crowed is to risk their loss. to love is to risk not being loved in return. to live is to risk dying. to hope is to risk despair. to try is to risk failure. yet remember, that risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risking NOTHING."

a real update to come. now its another attempt at that thing called sleep;
for...
the sun came up with no conclusions
flowers sleeping in their beds
the city’s cemetery’s humming
i’m wide awake
its morning
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:43 AM [+] ::
...

Its hard to ignore all the news reports.
They say we must defend ourselves.
Fight on foreign soil.
Against the infidels.
With the oil wells.
God save gas prices.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:19 PM [+] ::
...

isn't alcohol poisoning the greatest?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:29 AM [+] ::
...

i saw love in someone's eyes tonight...and for a moment i wanted to be the one he loved...just for the sake of being loved.


stellar lady:: naughti 10:33 PM [+] ::
...

help humankind before you help yourself....i've decided i need to put this into perspective. although i haven't indulged in spending money on myself lately, i also haven't given back to the people in society who need help. i'll admit i'm a fairly broke college student who can't afford to buy Streetwise everyday, but i should be donating my old clothes or time to local non-profit organizations. and on another level, after great sociological research on how advertising affects children's perspectives on gender-roles, i can't see myself working in a field that doesn't better society. selling my soul to a more capitalistic society is not the type of job i had in mind to pursue. i can no longer fathom working hard at something that doesn't better people. i don't think i would be satisfied knowing that i was working in a career to better myself and not others.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!!! -let's get this straight once an for all....my b-day is the 19th...yours is the 20th......lol!
stellar lady:: naughti 6:20 PM [+] ::
...

"How much of my brain is wilfully my own? How much is not a rubber stamp of what I have read and heard and lived? Sure, I make a sort of synthesis of what I come across, but that is ALL that differentiates me from another person?"
- Sylvia Plath

meal plan problem: solved
classes missed due to necessity of sleep:2(my ass was up for my 8 and 10, eyelids refused to stay open for rest of day)
accomplished this week:american diversity and literary narrative papers
left to be completed:country study paper for Women, Gender, and Society, along with a presentation on friday.

currently listening to:incubus; clean~acoustic version

my head is a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:49 PM [+] ::
...

ADHD in full effect
i have no motivation or patience to be productive right now. i'm too tired to focus. maybe i'll actually be in bed before midnight. that is my goal. and thats why the weekends are rough. they leave a lasting impression, throwing your sleeping patterns off kilter, fucking up your system for the rest of the week. i suppose its the price you pay. there is no right or wrong; merely the consequence of your actions.

well, i am officially out of money for my meal plan. dont know what i'm going to do. having the smallest plan, not going home as often, and my mulitple doses of caffiene each day are the reasons which the dinero has depleted. hopefully my parents will add a little to the balance so i can make it through. this may be doubtful though; as i fondly recall my father saying, "sam, you don't need to eat." i guess food isnt a necesity in keeping your organs functioning. ya coulda fooled me. also, i'm trying to save money myself; for spain, my rent, my addictions. you gotta set your priorities straight, right? there's nothin a little heroin cant fix.

anyways, i only had 12 dollars left last night. so today, before i bought lunch, i went to the machine in watterson where you can add money to your balance and put 20 dollars in. it told me that my new balance was $20.78. i was like, what the fuck?, but i proceeded to get my lunch which consisted of a veggie burger, tomato soup, and an apple(just thought i'd provide imagery to make this anecdote more enjoyable). as im checking out and the lady swipes my card, it says that i have five dollars left. now i'm REALLY like WTF. i'm thinking maybe it takes a while to process or whatnot. so tonight at dinner i checked my balance again on the machine before i ate, and it said that i still had $20.78....shouldnt that number have gone down? well, i go to check out my vegetables from good old Eleanor's Kitchen and a bag of baked barbeque lays (yummy)and after i swipe, i only have a dollar left. i told the checkout lady about my predicament and she provided no useful information. she just told me to go to the redbird card office in the bone. this shit is such a pain in my ass. oh well, whaddya gonna do.

in the cd player: piebald; the king of the road



stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:44 PM [+] ::
...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS NADIA!!!!

love you and miss you tons!
~mwah~
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:36 AM [+] ::
...

welcome to the realities of women across the globe....we are extremely fortunate.

currently reading: the Quran
stellar lady:: naughti 8:01 PM [+] ::
...

This makes me sick to my stomach. There was a viewpoint aritcle in the Daily Vidette today about it, and we also discussed it in my women, gender, and society class. the punishment and the manner in which it is carried it out is horrifying. read some of the people's comments. i dont agree with all of them, especially the overgeneralizatoins about the islamic religion, but many of them are worth considering. And the most recent controversy in the media is regarding the Miss World competition, which is to be held in Nigeria. Read about that here. Only five counrties are boycotting at the moment. But theres still time for them to join the race again. i guess the importance placed on beauty is not just a disease in the advanced economic society. And dont get me started on the pageant and its sole function as a money maker that reinforces the illogical beauty myth of 'skin and bones', which has been ingrained into the psyhe of young women everywere. But anyways, the equality between men and women in U.S. society is still quite unbalanced; i dont know if it will every be fully equal, but conditions have improved and we are continuing to break through this glass ceiling. Granted i have my own qualms with our goverment and society, but we are lucky to live in a place where we can change such things(relatively speaking, but thats another issue in itself). i can't imagine living in a country under such laws; laws that not only permit stoning, but will blame and arrest a woman because she was raped. if this were the case in the U.S., one out of every four women would be in prison right now. think about that.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:18 PM [+] ::
...

ok my post did not look like the one below ...there was obviously a problem in the publishing process, so now it doesn't make sense...i don't have time to fix it...actually i don't know how to fix it....but you can still get an idea of what i'm talking about....
stellar lady:: naughti 11:53 AM [+] ::
...

sam u need to update the less computer savvy people as to how you are incorporating links throughout the page....but there will be time for that when you come home. also everyone check out the indy-media site...the biasly (is this a word?) true information will blow you away.

can you please explain to me the mentality of the majority.....why is it that you have to be a cetain nationality to be guaranteed equal rights? why are we angry that Mexicans are migrating to the US to work under harsh conditions and little pay? they are the bases of our big corporations and do jobs that the majority of americans would never concieve of. They are taken advantage of because many are illegal, hence they cannot complain to an outside power. but they're taking away american jobs right? but it's ok for us americans to travel to other countries in which a better opportunity is available and work abroad. just as long as we end up on top it doesn't matter who we step on to get there. recently, the people of a third world country demanded a raise to 17 cents a day for making disney appearel. if you can't understand the inhumanity in that, you must be not be breathing.
i have so much more to say, but so little time right now....


stellar lady:: naughti 11:46 AM [+] ::
...

recap

as the semester winds down, the days inflict a more intense and draining toll on the body. as the weeks progress, i am seemingly becoming more and more impervious to pulling off no sleep on the weekends, and no sleep during the week. this combination was manageable at first, but with less than four weeks of the semester left to go, this combination will a) cause you to be late for work, and b) cause you to miss class. Entonces, estoy cansada(and if ya dont know what that means, click here and figure it out; its self-explanatory. you're goin to have to get use to the spanglish, for i really wont have time for this shit in spain. my posts may incorporate both languages as i quickly compose updates. so get use to it or learn the language, asshole.), and cleveland and i are takin a slow approach to the nite because of this already long weekend. for when we party; we always party hard.

i've been playing on this fucking contraption all night, doing non-school mind stimulation, and i've added some other sites for you to check out...go there...you may find something interesting..and hell; you just may learn something.

i've been contemplating adding users to this blog...havent talked to my fellow bloggers about it...but i think its a good idea. i'm sure you all are sick of hearing about my ramblings...i know i am, since i am the one who posts the most on this shit. so send your applications my way; via email. i would like to get some testostorone up in here, so guys dont be shy; a male perspective can always be refreshing and we stellar ladies are not gender biased. so when new bloggers arrive, changes will be made in the template.

less than a month till my ass is moved out of blormal...it saddens me(note to self: must start taking pictures before semester ends), but it will be good to be at home and be near the city...i've got so much shit to do still...you think i would have accomplished something...ok ok...i need to give myself credit; i have crossed a few things off my To Do list...but i still have a lot more to go...like applying for my major; was suppose to get some of that done friday...but i slept in. i swear my alarm clock wakes me up whenever it deems fit.

sooo...........

forseen major: International communications
forseen minor: Spanish
possible double major: international communications and spanish

we'll see...

but...

it has been suggested that i should be an English major. for example: you need a paper on vietnam? yah, i can help ya with that.
or...
you need an interior designer? ya, i can decorate your store. or whatever confines necessary.
and i can do it all in spanish, beotch.
maybe i should rethink my major; i seem to get a hard on for english and the arts. but who knows. all i know is today was the first snow. its that time of year again, we're coming full circle.

enough of 3 Man, its time to socialize folks.

thats enough for you, stay tuned.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:52 AM [+] ::
...

i go through my phases of certain bands, which right now i'm groovin on bright eyes(yes, still), but there are some people who just dont understand the affinity...so i feel i should offer easy access of information for those of you who have not been enticed and touched by conor's genious....for those who havent, subscribe to this mind. thats my piece for now everyone...after this week and in preparatoin of the next, i plan on waking up in a strange place tomorrow morning and not remembering how i got there.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:49 PM [+] ::
...

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." --Albert Einstein

hmm, that could be a reasonable explanation.

realplayer: Alkaline Trio; Sorry About That
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:02 AM [+] ::
...

~But if everything that happens is suppose to be and it is all predetermined, you cant change your destiny. Then i guess i'll just keep moving and someday, maybe, i'll get to where i'm going~

When i come home, i think we should hang and black out together.


stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:43 PM [+] ::
...

do what you love and things will eventually fall into place....i'm relying on this small phrase said by an assuring friend last night. i may even end up in jobs i dred, but in the end i'll find my place, my calling. use the downfalls as stepping stones to reach the place in life that will make you happy. everyone seems to know where they're going in life, and i'm stuck with a dim lit path in front of me. in reality, no one knows where they are going. we can all just hope to end up somewhere. the past and present haven't been so bad, so why am i so worried about the future?

musica: grace is gone~ dave matthews band

stellar lady:: naughti 10:14 PM [+] ::
...

Quote to Contemplate:

What is your biggest sin?
Brandon: I don’t believe in sins. I believe
in good and bad. My parents took me to a
community when I was nine and we learned to
think for ourselves and to decide for
ourself what is good and what is bad.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:12 AM [+] ::
...

oh sam, you just beat me in procrastination....

empty the glass of your need
so that you won't be disgraced
stop longing for someone out there
and begin seeing within
~rumi


stellar lady:: naughti 9:16 PM [+] ::
...

will my number come up eventually?
like love is some kind of lottery,
where you scratch and
see whats underneath.
it's 'sorry',
just one cherry,
'play again'.
get lucky.

spacing out with: bright eyes; waste of paint
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:07 PM [+] ::
...

What is past is prologue

Every little trifle, for some reason, does seem incalculably important today and when you say of a thing that "nothing hangs on it", it sounds like blasphemy. there's never any knowing--how am i to put it?-- which of our actions, which of our idlenesses wont have things hanging on it for ever.
--E.M. Forster, Where Angels Fear to Tread

~attending to endless needs and needless ends,
and dont ever underestimate people, dont ever underestimate the pleasure they receive from viewing pain that is not thier own, from delivering bad news, watching bombs fall on television, from listening to stifled sobs from the other end of the phone line. pain by itself is just pain. but pain + distance can = entertainment, voyeruism, human interest, cinéma vérité, a good belly chuckle, a sympathetic smile, a raised eyebrow, disguised contempt.

Night's darkness is a bag that bursts with the gold of the dawn

television- in short, nothing but an apparition. a ghostly daguerreotype formed from the quicksilver imagination, preserved by the salt solution of tears.

he stood schizophrenic; he did not require a passport to live in two places at once.
whatever she believed was not formed by faith but carved from certainty.

you're out of depth- everyone has to be taught a lesson. either everything is sacred or nothing is. everyone gets whats coming, sooner or later.
~KARMA~

nothing changes here, things are only retold, remembered. its all about time. not just its stillness but the pure, brazen amount of it, quantity rather than quality. something to rationalize, to explain, why one would keep returning, to the same miserable scenario. but time is what it comes down to. after you've spent a certain amount, invested so mush of it in one place, your credit rating booms and you feel like breaking the chronological bank. you feel like staying in the place until it pays you back all the time you gave it--even if it never will.

for them; it was really all about being the witness, being the expert. they went there because they knew that place. inside and out. but; if you cant explain to your kid why glass will shatter at certain impacts but not others, if you cant understand how a balance can be struck between democratic secularism and religious belief within the same state, or you cant recall the circumstances in which germany was divided--then it must feel good to at least know one particular place, one particular period, from firsthand experience, eyewitness reports; to be the authority, to have time on your side, for once.

no offense meant. of course; my opinion's not the fucking word of god, as it were, but it's still my opinion~

Currently Reading: White Teeth

i've been doing some free reading lately, which is nice; but i should really be spending that time on required readings and writings...
i'm happy to be having four months off. sometimes you just get sick of working so hard all the time. but enough of that talk. all is well; i'm just trying to keep my nose clean and my ass out of trouble.

a distance is establishing itself, between those who stay indoors and those who run riot outside.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:40 PM [+] ::
...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:33 PM [+] ::
...

What happens to a dream deferred?

this inability to fall asleep at nite is becoming a common occurrence. not a good thing. its a battle; trying to resist the urge to look at the clock. because once you do, you realize how long you've just been lying there, awake, and that the amount of actual sleep that will be acquired is dwindling as each thought passes. so you roll around, switch positions, realize that you are either a) too hot or b) too cold, and remind yourself to not to look at the clock. its an addictive game which ends with you inevitably; looking at the clock. you then immediately calculate how many hours until you have to get up and realize you've spent the past hours gaining no sleep and accomplishing no work. had you known that this would have been a sleepless nite; you would have spent it actually being productive instead fooling youself to believe that sleep would have come and graced you with its presence. you spend the next day lethargic, welcoming any moment to close your eyelids, wondering what you problem was last nite, cuz you could sure as hell use some shut eye now. insomnia; its another one of life's vicious cycles.

i...

1. Have to get up in about 2 hours
2. have a spanish test at 12
3. have a presentation at 1
4. will be able to acquire my lost hours of sleep starting at 2; its my day off
5. am just composing a temporary waste of time.

maybe if i hadnt given in; i would be walking through the air of those who sleep. but the most beautiful word in the american language is a concept which continues to boggle my mind.

and what is the most beautiful word in the american language, my friends?

Resist

stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:17 AM [+] ::
...

mad props to marc....he speaks for all of us who are fed up with being 'idiots'....and fed up with being society's puppets. we all fall into the trap of wanting the things society says are good for us. hence, why we are killing ourselves in college. we search so hard for love in a perfect form, yet we don't understand that love takes a different form for all of us. we keep running back to the chick flics that instil an ideal type of love. i know love exists...rumi would never have been able to write so beautifuly if it didn't...but i think each of us creates our ideal love.....it will last and be beautiful if we make it so. yeah maybe reality does come crashing in for some when they realize they fell in love with someone they no longer have anything in common with....nothing is guaranteed, but it doesn't mean it's not worth it. create your own love, don't follow the rules of love that society offers. think about all the cultures in the world who define love differently. who says we are right? we do have the highest divorce rate among all other countries. yet we fall into this society's trap because we have no other example. ...then again who am i to be speaking on such a topic?

~finally, i've come to the conlcusion that i'm not dissapointed in the way you treat me, instead i found that what is dissapointing is the person you are~

stellar lady:: naughti 10:58 PM [+] ::
...

you know, art is why i get up in the morning, but my definition ends there. it doesnt seem fair that i'm living for something i cant even define; and there you are in the meantime.

~as i hide behind these books i read, while scribbling my poetry, like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve. and i am never real; it is just a sketch of me. and everything i have made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.~

such a sucker for a sweet talker. such a sucker...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:03 AM [+] ::
...

its a deafening silence. all the insight, the celestial vision. i yearn for that mystic feeling; love that fills you up so rapidly and efficiently you just want to burst. hold on to that 'let go' feeling and allow it to cleanse your soul. i use to see crying as a sign of weakness, emotional instability. i was viewing it too much from a societal standpoint. i now focus on human interaction with the environment and all the beauty/simplicity that is intertwined. how easily we humans create complications and devise drama. to forget everything and laugh is a sobering scene. Its pure genious~ we have the ability to create. and i can see you glow~ perhaps i am biased to see through it. and though we are divided, strewn among dysfunctional compliments, feeling lost, struggling as we crawl along this broken road~ getting lost is how we find our way. anything in life is possible. take it, and reconstruct it into something magical.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:17 PM [+] ::
...

i want to be a snotty-nose kid again and freeze my butt off going from house to house....but since i can't i'll have fun with my fellow blogger...sam wish you were here. but it sounds like you'll be having some fun...tinkerbell is my favorite!
stellar lady:: naughti 5:40 PM [+] ::
...

2 yards of green material for dress: $2
2 pieces of felt for shoes: $.52
White yarn for poofballs on shoes: $1.95
Wings and Wand: $1
Purple hair glitter: $1.29

freezing my ass off tonight when i wear my hand crafted tinkerbell costume: priceless
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:26 PM [+] ::
...

thought i'd take a break, just finished a paper in which i analyzed the education, work, and wages of the women of mexico, PTLNAF*. and i might as well compose my "To Do" list; so here goes;

To Do; (and this is in relative order of due dates and what not)

-fill out spain paperwork and work on the homework; due next monday...i need to get passport size pics
-work on body politics project for womens...the presentation is wed the 6th, the paper due wed the 8th...my group is meeting on the 5th to practice presentation and write paper
-apply to mass comm...go to ucla so they can review my essay once i finish it and angela wrote me back to i can finally do my plan of study which goes along with that
-talk to financial aid..i emailed someone in the department but they havent written back...but talk to them about spain, the apartment for next year
-see if scholarship covers summer school
-start thinking about jobs for when i come home to save money for spain and for rent
-think about what jobs i can get when i am here for the summer
-start investigating possible internships/jobs with State Farm or AIG
-look into volunteer work
-laundry!!!! this will be a necessity soon
-clean my side of the room
-all my other miscellaneous hw that i need to have done, spanish homework, lit homework analyzing the book i didnt read b/c it was unbearable boring regarding the queer theory, read for american diversity, read for geology, read for womens...
-my geology field trip is this saturday
-get notes online for my lit class
-update my checkbook/notebook
-return my cdplayer/run errands, get halloween costume and miscellaneous things like a plain shirt so sara can print me a puma logo on it
-try to find time to work out
-get more sleep
-try to keep in touch with everyone via email, telephone calls, letters(you're right nat, this should be at the top)
-try to breathe and find time for myself

maybe this whole affinity for procrastination is the reason why nothing gets crossed out. the realization that i am not going to be here next semester really hit me today. there is only six weeks left of this semester, and then i move all my shit out. these will be the last six weeks i will be spending in the dorms...its bittersweet...and to clarify for everyone; i will be living back in naperville december through march...i leave for spain the end of march and return around june 20...it will be at this point when i move into my apartment(yaaaaaaya!!) and will be permanently residing in Blormal and taking summer school...i cant wait...but i will enjoy the four month break of no school at home...and i will enjoy even more my three months in spain. it scares the shit out of me when i think about it sometimes but i must remind myself the words of kent nerburn...

"if we dont offer ourselves to the unknown, our sense dull. our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. our eyes dont lift to the horizon; we dont hear the sounds around us. the edge is off our experience and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. we wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days~never let yourself become one of those people."

ahhhh i'm goin to have to put off more writing until later...must start studying for my geology lab exam and attempt other homework which was not completed...

Note;
*praise the lord now and forever-in case you didnt know what it stood for....i dont know; i picked it up from cleveland :)

Currently Consuming: Trendy Coffee Drink...the caffiene is proping up my eyelids
Spacing out with: Radiohead; I like Schwen

remember;
when you procrastinate; you choose last.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:52 AM [+] ::
...

i keep making these "To Do" lists but nothing gets crossed out.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:36 AM [+] ::
...

convenience is selfish. it is the tool for the lazy and the people who just don't care. don't half-ass the important things in life, such as family, friends, spirituality, among the many. we all have the same things going on in life....we all have problems...we all have too much to do with too little time....but we shouldn't neglect the real things in life.....the things that make us better human beings. I keep forgetting that school isn't everything...in fact, it is so far from anything. the people and things you love are the things you will recall later in your life...they are the things that will make you smile in your old age....they are the things that keep us sane....so put them first on you "to do" list.
stellar lady:: naughti 10:39 PM [+] ::
...

ahhhhh....my brain is in overload
5 fucking essays
my brain is going to explode,
and yes i do have an affinity for the work fuck...

say Fuck like other people say The
and when they are shocked
ask them why they fear
a small quartet of letters

i'm tired of analyzing the fuckups of America...i have to prepare 5 essays and the professor is only going to pick two of them...arg, all this time spent...and its hard to concentrate with lots of inviting distractions, the daydreams of my mind, and the worries/reminders of all the shit that needs to be thought out and accomplished within such a short amount of time....sometimes i wonder how i handle it all....sometimes i wish i was six.

i'm tired of this sensory overload where i push myself to extremes...my misconstrued perception envolopes me at times...and i try not to trip but i get lost in the midst of it all...i'm just bouncing issues off walls, flipping souls to see which side will come up.

i hope to get through this lighthearted emotion unbroken and bring something more entertaining to the table...but for now, go ahead and live in your world of black and white...i'll be off in the gray area...and no, i'm not going to give you directions on how to get there.

and if i sold my soul for a bag of gold, to you, which one of us would be the foolish one?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:43 PM [+] ::
...

fucking fuck
i hate computers
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:36 PM [+] ::
...

my riddle for the night....

i can't touch the wind
but it caresses me
twirling my hair, enveloping my body
like the wind
transparent
i know you are there
i saw you in her eyes
in his smile as he thought of you
they say you exist
they swore to me
i thought you were knocking once
but it was the lonesome wind
you'll find me when i've forgotten to look
but i'll feel your amazing presence
a light, cool breeze on a warm summer night
stellar lady:: naughti 10:44 PM [+] ::
...

another quote worth mentioning...this time compliments of my bro...

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed through a slow vibration, we are all one conciousness experiencing itself subjectively, life is only a dream and we are the imaginations of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather"-Bill Hicks
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:09 PM [+] ::
...

compliments of cleveland

Quote of the Day:

"Easy?! You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there: teeth placement, & jaw stress, & suction, & gag reflex - & all the while bobbing up & down, & moaning, & trying to breathe thru our noses! Easy?! Honey - they don't call it a job for nothing."
-Sex and the City (Samantha)
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:40 PM [+] ::
...

i've figured it out

"do you ever look back?

all the time. thats my problem. i'm sentimental about my fuckups."
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:27 AM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day:

I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

Lines of Wisdom for the Day:

1. Prove them wrong
2. Do not get in the way of who you are
3. Never promise more than you are willing to give.
4. Stop thinking about things that worry you.
5. Enjoy the things that go great together...like cookies and milk, peanut butter and jelly, pizza and beer

one that cleveland and i do not agree with..."being tired is just a state of mind"....ha, thats a load of crap...if it was just a state of mind we would have mastered that shit a long time ago and been able to properly utilize the daylight hours by attending class and crossing things out on out "to do" lists instead of sleeping it all away.

ahhh the ambiguity of it all...
having two right hands is better than having two left feet
huh?
there's a big fatty bo batty double negative in your face...

what is the human being aware of? if they are not aware, is their happiness valid?
if you dont know/understand....do you believe?
i'm in limbo; pressed to pick one interpretation.

we're falling back this weekend...daylight savings time ends....that fourth dimension which manipulates our existence. because really, how do we get a grip on time? what is it? its exceedingly difficult to decipher...we do things to 'save time'...i mean, quick...put it in your pocket. i've never been able to do something special with saved time...its unstoppable...maybe its the problem...for we only live in the present.

go out some door you came in by.

its found again!
what?
eternity.
it is the sea mixed with the sun.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:42 AM [+] ::
...

maybe this time?

TAKING BACK SUNDAY
12-18 Chicago, IL Metro
w/ The Starting Line, The Reunion Show, Northstar

...i promise a more in depth post sometime soon...

don't waste yourself in reflection.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:30 AM [+] ::
...

congrats to sam! although i never doubted you. i'm going to be non-existent for the next three days...wish me luck.
stellar lady:: naughti 9:10 PM [+] ::
...

Spain...here i come!
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:47 PM [+] ::
...

the book: the pilot's wife

the word: reciprocal (remind me to tell you his pronounciation)

my mind is at ease
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:16 PM [+] ::
...

when you start to paint a picture of the love you want, you will fail to find it. we all do it...we create the way our lovers will look, the way they will look at us, the way they will hold us. we create our own fairytales only to find that the ending isn't so happily ever after. we may not find the the picture perfect love portrayed in movies or books, but we will obtain something suprisingly sweeter in a different form.

amen to sam's blog...
stellar lady:: naughti 5:13 PM [+] ::
...

quite rightly...all the rules have been broken...
to be relieved of love, is to give up a terrible burden...
but,

love with enough recklessness and generosity to make it real.
if that makes any sense.
its two opposite ends of the spectrum.
but i guess thats how its suppose to be.
pain is one of the ways we register in memory the things that vanish, that are taken away.
but,
perhaps it's best to live with the possibilty that around any corner, at any time, may come a person who reminds you of your own capacity to surprise yourself, to put at risk, everything thats dear to you, who reminds you of the distances we have to bridge to begin to know anything about one another, who reminds you that what seems to be- even about yourself- may not be...that like him, you need to be forgiven...

....do you hear it? its the music of romantics, ignorant to any history but their own...

stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:27 AM [+] ::
...

always learn poems by heart.
they have to become the marrow in your bones.
like flouride in the water,
they'll make you soul impervious to the world's soft decay.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:37 PM [+] ::
...

i dont have time for this shit...i've got a midterm today and a midterm tomorrow.
not to mention a ton of other shit
hence, i will be MIA for awhile...

open mouth, insert gun...

realoneplayer: ~incubus~ 11 AM
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:19 AM [+] ::
...

i lay awake, in awe of your creative essence. i want to be consumed by your being. pure genious. i applaude you. cheers.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:12 AM [+] ::
...

twiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisted.....
.....ice tea that is...

its three AM and i want to go to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed...

Band on the Brain: O.A.R

numb, passing out into the other side of oblivion...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:05 AM [+] ::
...

home...a sigh of relief...
i can breathe again.
touch base and clarify whats really important.

all the secrets and mistakes that were made...

its time to wipe the slate clean and start over.

music on my mind: Hot Rod Circuit; At Nature's Mercy
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:52 AM [+] ::
...

excuse my political nature for a moment...but we are on our way to war with a country we have no business attacking. bush gave a speech to a small cheering crowd in cinncinatti in an attempt to make the U.S. look like the victims in this situation with Iraq. but the only victims in this situation are the people of Iraq who have nothing to eat because of the sanctions placed on their country by the U.S. victims are innocent and by no means is the U.S. innocent. and i don't find it necessary to send my friends who are in the military to fight for a problem we created....do some research and you'll realize we are at fault for the majority of the problems we are trying to fight...greed is at the root of these problems. "the whole world is watching".....and the whole world is against the U.S. taking action....and then we wonder why we don't have the respect of the international community.
stellar lady:: naughti 11:24 PM [+] ::
...

don't believe in God....study astronomy. it's amazing how every orbit, every rotation, every star and planet is so perfectly synchronized.
stellar lady:: naughti 10:34 PM [+] ::
...

according to the webster's collegiate dictionary;
insomnia is the prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep.

...sleep...sleep...
god, its 5:07 in the morning and i'm still awake.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:07 AM [+] ::
...

Random Thoughts to aid in my Procrastination:

1. I dont feel like analyzing my household division of labor for my women gender and society class.
2. My elbows are dry...i should put lotion on them.
3. Yay! i'll be home on thurs :)
4. I must not forget that i have an appointment with my academic advisor between literary narrative and geology tomorrow.
5. I dont want to get my test back for American Diversity on thurs.
6. I'm anxious to find out if i'm going to Spain. This anxiousness contributes to my ADHD.
7. Shit, i just remembered that i have spanish homework due tomorrow. fuck.
8. It's going to be a very late night...and of course of all the nights in the week,its the one preceeding an eight oclock class.
9. I went running with amers and cleveland today. we've been running a couple of times a week, go us!
10. Ahh! i'm seeing Incubus on sunday!!! yaaaaaya!

Currently consuming: Trendy Coffe Drink. ie; Starbucks Frappucino(to aid in my analyzation of my household division of labor.)
Currently listening to: Saves The Day; Firefly
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:58 PM [+] ::
...

i set you apart
but you just wanted to blend...
...another dull shade on the canvas
will you fade like the rest?


stellar lady:: naughti 10:51 PM [+] ::
...

Quote of the Day:
"all i want is a weekend boyfriend!!!!!!!"
~jackie
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:17 PM [+] ::
...

"I feel so sorry for the younger generation being turned on to music right now. I wonder if they're being offered anything that's that good. Or if they even know how good things can be ... It may sound like I'm just some old guy bitching about how much better things were in my day. But the truth is, they were."

-- TOM PETTY in the New York Daily News

thanks skibicki
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:43 PM [+] ::
...

you reach a point sometimes when you need to reasses everything thats going on in your life. to figure out whats really important; what matters, what doesnt. and i've reached that point. i am weak when it comes to certain things. that needs to change.

i'm sick of drama.
and watch out, you dont know how much trouble i am.

realplayer: Pink Floyd; Comfortably Numb

never be bullied into silence
never allow yourself to be made a victim
accept no one's definition of your life;
define yourself.

ok, just a little pin prick.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:12 PM [+] ::
...

"the trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain.....Happiness is based on a just discrimination of what is necessary, what is neither necessary nor destructive, and what is destructive." -Ursula K. Le Guin- "The Ones who walk away from Omelas" -this is from a short story that is kind of strange...but has an incredible underlying meaning.
currently--sucking on a cherry coughdrop (just want to know who keeps getting me sick), talking to huff, and typing.
what i should be doing--studying for my astronomy midterm.


stellar lady:: naughti 10:30 PM [+] ::
...

"life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."
ha, true that.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:01 AM [+] ::
...

The Talking Cure

more or less the writing cure...either way it has no truth value; either way its not importatnt...anyways, i'm sitting in my dorm room sweating my ass off right now...for some reason ISU residence halls came to the conclusion that it would be smart to run the air conditioning according to the days on the calendar; not to the weather outside...so as it peaks 80 degrees today and slowly decreases in incriments of one degree per hour, i am here feeling gross; with no coolness or airflow except for my pathetic fan which creates as much of a breeze as a fly would, and the minute breezes which grace their way through the opening of my window; approximately the size of one of your hand...(ok, ok maybe two of your hands, but irregardless...it aint doing much)...right now i'm just praying for the first freeze...i cant function on a few hours of uncomfortable, tossing and turning sleep no matter how much coffee i have...looking at the clock and realizing that its almost 5 am and you're still awake is not the most comforting thing.

Money is merely paper...i've always told myself that...but the reality of my economic situation hit me yesterday, as my mother informed me that my scholarship will not cover off-campus housing...motherfucker...i dont understand it...i'm still attending and doing well in school....Young America is affiliated with the university...it just pisses me off...i was relying on that money for rent and food next year...now i'm going to have to come up with something to make ends meet...ill figure it out, i always do...but i need to put my income and expenses into perspective, stop slacking(i havent balanced my checkbook since the summer...i just sorta gave up), and see where my money is going(ie; smoking, drinking, up my nose, etc)...its time to get my ass on a budget...not to say i'm a compulsive spender...i've never bounced a check, i dont use credit cards except for books and other things my parents want me to get ie; my menengitis shot...i'm going to have to do a multiple job deal here...especially since i'll need to start saving for spain...i finally, PTLNAF, got my last recommendation from my spanish teacher today....took her long enough to get it back to me(the deadline for our application is this thurs) and she completely half assed the thing....dont get me started...so i'll turn that in tomorrow...and by the second week in october i should know if i'm going to madrid...everyone keep you fingers crossed. i'll keep ya posted.

yeah, so sometimes i have trouble understanding people...in particular the opposite sex...but i found a very excellent conclusion that naseem came to...that i am one of you...the normal, psychologically sound people. and i just need to screw it and not play the game. its definitely something to contemplate. knowledge gained can initiate a new perspective, you stand in a different position and see the situation from a different angle. a better, more beneficial one.

Nothing obstructs happiness as much as the memory of happiness. What would a narrative of happiness be like? All that can be described is what prepares it, and then what destroys it. Create a frame of structure...think of brackets...go in and out of the temporal perspective you accept as reality. it is restricted and i need some validation, please...because beauty isnt always a positive thing and the proper lighting is brought in by you...

i'm going to tell you the "truth"....yeah, whatever that is...no one can tell you the truth...a thought is a cognition. that is the abstract definition. the physical definition is that they are electrochemical impulses. thats all your thoughts are. how disappointing is that? its hard for us to posit any other realm than matter....we only deal with objective reality....and the realm of "truth" and reality...are they the same? No. do they intersect? Sometimes. truth resides in objective reality, it does not coincide with reality.

beyond all this jargon though...
organize the chaos of your passion.
give style to your character.
become creative.

realplayer: Bright Eyes; A Lover I Dont Have to Love (i cant get it out of my head)

i want a boy who's so drunk he doesnt talk.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:12 PM [+] ::
...

quote of the day:
"i'm a fat kid stuck in a skinny kid's body"
~kenny
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:20 AM [+] ::
...

yo yo....

the weekends come so fast these days...bj and todd from madison are visiting us...we're having a blast....just wanted to drop a line...my girls, i miss ya...i'll give yas a call soon.....mucho amor~

song currently obsessed with: A Lover I Dont Have To Love; Bright Eyes

song currently listening to(theme band for the weekend): Just A Simple Plan; Piebald
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:16 PM [+] ::
...

everything always blends together
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:42 AM [+] ::
...

Life is...an ever-shifting kaleidoscop--a slight change, and all patterns alter. we are going...in one direction when an unforeseen obstacle appears, and we have to swerve out of the way. Suddenly, we are in a different life
~Sharon Salzberg
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:38 PM [+] ::
...

another thing...

Cardinal Sin: if you have a pimped out honda civic...nice rims...a fucking huge ass spoiler...racing strips....most likely a stick shift with vtech...or in other words..basically if you've spent way too much of you parents money on a materialistic item which is in no way a direct reflection of your worth as a human being, you are NOT, and i repeat NOT allowed to blare Dashboard Confesional through your thousand dollar stereo system...you're fucking with the ways of the world, trying to defy gravity or something...just pump so j-lo featuring ja-rule and everything will be right with the world.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:07 AM [+] ::
...

fucking computer...i just spent so much time writing stuff that had accumulated in my mind and when i hit the post button, the server was last...damn technology...so i'll scrape up what reminants are left in my brain...

please, someone explain to me, why do certain situations occur if there is no point to them? i have always relied on the belief that everything happens for a reason. but i'm not so sure anymore...nothing accomplished, nothing gained except for a glimmer of hope, the kind thats vague to your heart, the kind most difficult to extinguish...hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens...nat, its crazy how we can be so far away but be completely on the same wavelength...finding comfort creating illusions, while sitting with the man-made concept of time...to try to find a cure is to diagnose a blurry x-ray.

why must i go to spain?
because it is there and i am here
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:44 PM [+] ::
...

Note to Naughti:

clean out your mailbox,
your account is full.
i cant send you my shit :)

currently listening to: Taking Back Sunday....cant get enough of it
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:16 PM [+] ::
...

i cant believe that you got starbucks boy's name!
ahhhh...sometimes i get really bored here and miss home.
first thing that comes to mind that i miss: chillin at fat bean with my chicas, absorbing everyone's genius.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere" - Van Wilder
thanks jeff.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:27 PM [+] ::
...

in reference to sam's blog.....
if i only i could be as strong as you....or at least fool myself into thinking i am capable.
it's so strange how our mind finds comfort in something that's not there....working overtime to make it exist.
without it we feel lost, with it we feel sickly stuffed.

just a little note: starbuck boy's name is nate
poetry boy (mike) hasn't lost his style....train-spotting.
stellar lady:: naughti 6:34 PM [+] ::
...

its an unthinking kind of decision,
where waking up means letting go.

yeah, i'm over it.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:04 PM [+] ::
...

feeling of the moment: haz lo que quieras
translation: do what you want to do.

just be real...right on nat...think about how much simpler life would be if everyone was straight up with one another.

in the cd player: Spoon; Chicago at Night

everybody's at disadvantage, speaking with their second language.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:16 PM [+] ::
...

it's strange to believe that your life can change in one moment...until it happens to you. sometimes that alteration in your life is positive other times you wish you could go back in time. one minute, one second, can forever impact your life. to not be able to touch someone who is standing in front of you, when all you want to do is ease their penetrating worries is so difficult. forget about being strong....let's be real for a minute. let's be vulnerable, let's cry and let it out from deep within. i'm really sick of being strong and worrying about everyone else around me. sorry if it seems like i'm talking in code....something has been on my mind lately...just a little free-association writing to ease my mind.
song: fade into you-mazzy star

stellar lady:: naughti 11:34 PM [+] ::
...

i'm takin a break from studyin my geology...i never fail to find something else to be doing instead of the task at hand...

another exquisite being: Hurbert Selby

"the visceral experience of the suffering of people- the cruel hallucinations of grace, of peace, of love, of easy street; the wracking ache of sickness, the choking rage of parental/marital/sexual claustraphobia; the tightening screws of paranoid delusion; the pathetic grandoisity of walk-around dreams; and the dread of the inevitable dawn.

life is giving, not getting. to believe that getting stuff is the purpose and aim of life, is madness.

to deny our vision is to sell our soul. getting is living a lie, turning our back on the truth, and visions are glimpses of the truth: obviously nothing external can truly nurture my inner life, my vision.
what happens when i turn my back on my vision and spend my time on the American Dream? i become agitated, uncomfortable in my own skin, because the guilt of abandoning my 'Self/self', of deserting my vision, forces me to apologize for my existence, to need to prove to myself by approaching life as if it's a competition. i have to keep getting stuff in an attempt to appease and satisfy that vague sense of discontent that worms its way through me. yet i know, absolutely, from my experience, that there are no free lunches in life, and eventually we have to accept full and total responsibility for our actions, everything we have dont, and have not done."

album recently purchased: Coldplay; a rush of blood to the head

if you purchase the album(and you definitely should), check out the last page of their insert, 'Politik'. definitely something to think about. mad props.

illusions mistaken for truth are the pavement under our feet
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:33 PM [+] ::
...

yaaaya!!

right now, i officially have signed for my own apartment! fuck yeah! me, sara, amy, and tori will be living on Franklin, right across the train tracks baby! we got great deal too....get this...brand spankin new: carpet, couches, tables, kitchen floor, cabinets, dishwasher, oven, microwave, refridgerator, AND OUR VERY OWN washer and dryer!! there are two sinks inside the bathroom and then outside around the corner are two more sinks with mirrors....so we all get our own sinks hehe...the bedrooms are average...and do you know how much our rent is?.............$265 per person! fucking awesome...and we're not far from the quad at all........aaahhhhh.....reality set in as we were signing the lease...independence gives such a great high...


stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:55 PM [+] ::
...

worddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!

i'm back from cali and i had an amazing time. my cousin's wedding was beyond blissful.....the reception was held in the mountains with a view of the city below and other mountains surrounding it. all my mom's sisters and brother, nieces and nephews came from all over the states for the occasion. everyone had an incredible time, and i've never seen my mom so happy.
i've never been more convinced that a marriage was going to work out as i was that day. brian was with my cousin for seven years...they met their sophomore year in high school and have been inseperable ever since. through moving hours away from each other, brian going away to the navy, and both of them going to college they managed to stayed together. when something is so right, why would you let it go? i talked to brain after the wedding and he said that people are always surprised about how long he and michelle have been together, but he said it was never hard for them. he said, "we never had to make it work, it was so easy".

the whole trip went by way too fast......and i'm sad to be home. i had so much fun with all the people i met in cali. sitting on roofs listening to reggae music, dancing all night, spending time with my family.......and now i'm back home putting off work i was supposed to do over the weekend......

stellar lady:: naughti 10:38 PM [+] ::
...

many of my posts have been regarding the concepts of love, happiness, and all those intangible whatnots...my literary narrative class is so enlightening...so every monday and wednesday i find something else to say....here's today's string of thoughts...

the ultimate question...
what provides happiness?
love?
when my teacher asked kids in class what made them happy...most expressed the material things in their lives...which is understandable. we are bodies. that is our physical orientation. but its gotta go beyond that...and the scary idea to contemplate is that you could have everything...materialistic, spiritual...and you would never completely be satisfied. because you have a certain level of happiness that can be reached...and once you reach it, you want even more...it seems to be plaguing our generation.

it boils down to the fact that you live life by doing. you can accept or reject things because of enormous/immense experiences you've had. and you'll realize that you need to get out. life causes you to reasses and you learn that "it is good to taste for yourself everything you need to know." this runs parallel with the concept 'dont knock it till you've tried it'.

my teacher also brought up the idea games of any type have become our lives. they are all we have. the highpoint of the week. it is only a game yet it is the most meaningful part. how can 'game' be our lives? my life would be pitiful if it was only a game...
how would you like to be a game piece?
"...but i was as helpless as chess piece when i was lifted up by someone's hand..."

how would the world be if you had to take a test before you became a human being...

suffering is potential. is it meaningless? human nature belives that it must be avoided and escaped. there is physical and worldly suffering. i was reminded today that i have no idea what that kind of suffering is like. i am merely a prisoner of my own thoughts.
yet...suffering...no one is making you.

give me the magic drug doc.

realplayer: bright eyes; from a balance beam
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:09 PM [+] ::
...

"have you learned that there is no such thing as time?

yes, surely this is what you really mean: that the river is everywhere at once, at its source and at its mouth, ath the waterfall, at the ferry, at the rapids, at the sea, in the mountains, everywhere, at the same time, and that it possesses only a present, without any shadow of a future?

There was nothing, there will be nothing; everything is, everything has substantiality and presence."
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:57 AM [+] ::
...

thrasher!

aamaar will end yo09u....
i cant ypte on alaabtop.....
its much harder than a regulart cooputrer.....tosddss fuckin labtop
\i''m much worsst than laat nite...
but we have extgra time so i will conversie with you all on a computer...
show your boobies!@!!!!

take your pants oiofff!!!!

waht we listeneed to at urbvan outfifeeters cursive; great fukcin band


amy is goin tgo graab your cock...so whacht out....

i cant belive that they have an urban outfitters 3 second \s from thheir aapot.....how fuckin amazing....

take it off....
and rememeber

its alright, we're in madison....
we're not in normal anymore......
lesson for the night...
sleep away from todd...so you dont get raped....
busch liight......rock my fuckin world
you with the hat....take of your pantss.............
blormal doesnt comparer...............
goodnite to all
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:21 AM [+] ::
...

current location: madison, wi
current condition: intoxicated

take it to the track!!
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:44 PM [+] ::
...

my good-bye for the weekend

i've decided to work on my horrible sense of direction...you know memorizing the whole north, east, south, west thing...something i should have learned in grade school. so what brought me to this conclusion?.... today i saw a blind kid at school having a hard time getting around campus, so i decided to lend him my arm and direct him.......to make a long story short, i mixed both of us up and started going in the wrong direction....but i did eventually find where he needed to go and i was late to my next class :)

i'm off to amazing long beach tomorrow...i wish i could take all the people i love with me to share the beauty...
time to go pack and get some sleep, hopefully my horrible cold will go away by tomorrow. by the way a compliment goes a long way, so pass them out whenever you can. my friend said i was beautiful today even though i have blood-shot eyes and a runny nose...i personally think he's crazy, but his sincerity made me forget i was sick for a second and smile..... anyway.....who cares right? love you guys so much........
HAPPY B-DAY NIKKI!!!!!!!!! LOVE YA

stellar lady:: naughti 10:51 PM [+] ::
...

Natural High

its the tragic irony of it all...to have no more identity...to have it temporarily erased...its this pattern of circus that we all partake in...but its farce...we all know about the fascad...and it keeps us distracted. enough of that..no more distractions...i'm tired of having every thought diverted and left abandoned while i drift off...you may think i'm joking, but i want to go to health services and try to get some riddilin...there's got to be a cure for this...
'memento mori'...enjoy the acute pleasures...enjoy the acuteness of life...i read a story for my literary narrative class and the theme of the story was that; love cant save you...or the other interpretation was that even though it cant save you, love continues on. sometimes i wonder about the authenticity in either of those options...its like riding the circumference of a circle and never quite being able to break it.
samanas seek themselves by getting rid of their former self...run away from yourself...take everything away...strip yourself down to the core....who are you?

tunes: Bottle Of Justus....yeah, they played tonite on the quad...the band is doing well...got to talk to chris...they're recording a new album over the next couple of months...if you have checked my rockstar's site yet, give it a look...they fuckin rock out...i love solid hugs...

i dont even know what to say regarding sep 11...any emotion regarding this tragic event is idle within me now, but ill note that i cant believe a whole year has gone by since this shit went down...when you put things into perspective; life is good.

happy anniversary to my rents!
and happy 20th bday nik! love you and miss you tons!!

and as BOJ ended it tonite...'keep on rockin in the free world'
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:20 AM [+] ::
...

i don't have time to write...but again i'm here.....
i do this every year....the pressure of school hits and i question what the hell i'm doing...where i'm going. i'm never satisfied with learning from biased books written on topics i have no concern for. don't misunderstand me, my eyes have been opened to many worlds of knowledge in my first year of college, i just wish i could find a passion, a drive. with my physics book in hand, i watched a fellow student crossing the street grasping a painting. i will never know how passionate she feels about the artwork she creates, but i yearn to have talent like her. i want to feel like i have a solid direction, but then again does anyone stay on their desired path? i guess i'm asking for a lot....to hold the future in my uncertain hands. the remedy for all things is time.

playing on the cd: coldplay-the scientist (highly reccommend)
sam- did you write the blog under revelation?........it's incredible!
stellar lady:: naughti 7:21 PM [+] ::
...

Revelation

this pretty much sums up what swirls around inside me from day to day

"My creativity yearning to get out as it presses against my fingertips and forehead. Wanting to draw, wanting to paint, wanting to play. Wanting to create the beauty that I can so easily picture, but cannot ever put to form. Sometimes it feels like succeeding at this would destroy me, because it would leave a hollow in my soul. If I could create perfection, I would be doomed to spend the rest of my days staring into it; trying to reclaim it as my own, and refill the void. I would etch out an existence a slave to my own being of creation. If I could be away from it all I would. If only I could escape like they do in books and movies. Never to be truly heard of again from the words “and he lived happily ever after”. To vanish to some unseen paradise to spend eternity trying to give this beauty a form, nameless and shapeless as it is - beyond words. Through music I can just touch it; so perhaps it is beyond a physical form. I would spend the rest of my days in happy insanity trying to manifest this, if the harsh realities of life didn’t weigh me down. A job, a home, a car. Such a cliché. How I despise money, but it is so essential to our being that we cannot remove it, like a cancer of the brain, so deep that no one dares remove because doing so would more than likely be the end. So we leave it there, and it grows, eventually destroying us either way. All hail the almighty dollar: melanoma of the world. But without it, I could not give life to my fancies. My creative thoughts remain forever trapped in the cell, peering out from behind my eyes. It will always be in my mind, but too many people have lost themselves trying to draw it out. Doomed to search in circles. Perhaps perfection comes from the realisation that it does not exist. But I’m so sure it does. Somewhere, like a tiny diamond buried deep in a mountain of charcoal, waiting to be discovered. Just out of reach, but always there. I can’t ever imagine myself in a desk job from here on out. I need to be out creating."

word
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:32 AM [+] ::
...

OM

look for the turning point, for one thats almost physical. see it, and go around the corner.
dont let them structure or affect you; structure yourself.
nirvana is a state of nothingness where you cease to exist and escape sorrow. but what is reality? Plato claims that the highest forms of reality are ideas. the buddhists say that reality is and illusion. would you be happy living there?

look for yourself inside. you cant find that in a mirror. look inside to find something. but, can we every really know who we are? because we thrive on deceiving ourselves. and this is a problem we choose to ignore.

self-fullfillment--> empty yourself in order to fill yourself; completely full.
the coin phrase 'yeah right' is a double negative. think about the irony in that.

the ultimate goal is to gain satisfying knowledge. but will we ever know enough?

in the cd player: no motive; only you
destination for the weekend: madison, wi

unknot the solution and feel everything

those are my random thoughts for the day...back to submersing myself in the contents of my classes...i promise some more entertaining posts next time around...and hopefully my blogmates will drop a line soon...miss you guys...

remember; passive resistence will get you nowhere
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:17 PM [+] ::
...

the wonders of procrastination

ahhh...well its time to get my act together. i've got a lot of shit that needs to get done and i'm going to gather my thoughts, display it in a literary manner, and then make everything happen. so i apologize if i will be out of contact with everyone for the next week. deadlines are coming up and the pressure's on.
it sucks even more when you're feeling highly sensitive; which i am right now. everything seems to be magnified(no thanks to my handy overanaylization skills) and i've come to the conclusion that i'm tired of waiting around. letting go is hard; and holding on is a comfort zone which needs to be broken out of. whats meant to be will be and i need to come understand that things arent necessarily in my control. you can only give so much of yourself to someone...if you dont get anything in return, in the future you will find your time wasted, your soul robbed, and your heart empty. well, on a more cynical note(which isnt necessarily positive if its your everyday outlook; but it can definitely be necessary at certain points) i must say that yeah it hurts; but lets review...it gets old; and most importantly; it goes away.

well, i'm goin to recap this weekend...
1. karma is a very good thing. never forget this. and karma goes hand in hand with 'things happen for a reason'. everything comes full cirlcle.
2. do not mix hard liquor with beer. its bad, very very bad. you will end up running out of a house in mid-conversation to relieve the contents of your stomach in the bushes.
3. mcdonalds breakfast can cure a hangover; in 10 minutes tops
4. burt's beeswax is the best lip balm in the world.
5. although you may believe that you are superman while you're drunk; let me assure you, you're not.
6. jumping off high cliffs into merely a few feet of water is probably not your best bet.
7. do not try to row a canoe standing up, especially while intoxicated; this will cause the canoe to tip over, fill with water, soaking not only the contents of the canoe, but yourself as well.
8. while canoing/tubing at Turkey Run State Park in IN...do not attempt to be friendly with other canoers on the river. canoing is a serious businiess and the people there are on a mission.
9. pizza hut is NOT good. its sick. very sickening.
and finally, i'll conclude with a forewarning i received from cori...
10. wine makes you easy. so dont drink it.

well everyone, i must leave it at that. time to get a crackin...

currently listening to: my thoughts

it hurts doesn't it? the thought of all you can't have anymore.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:03 PM [+] ::
...

the importance of poetry
some believe it is a necessity for living....the written word of poetry. the ability to connect to another human's soul is an unexplainable phenomenon. to have words filled with such raw emotion roll off the tongue of its creator only to realize you felt the same way is a gift to humankind. my dad caught me off guard yesterday when he told me a poem in arabic, one of many he has memorized, and although i don't know the language well, i could tell how important it was to him. anyone who knows about translating languages, understands how difficult it is to translate literary work without losing it's meaning....but one line that stuck out to me was "the one who rides the ocean should not be afraid of drowning"...
here's another short poem....i won't make this a habit for various reasons....stupid thieves...
~untitled~
lost in sweet selfishness
a bitter aftertaste i'm warned of
carelessly indulging in an unfamiliar temptation
thick vulnerability
in my chest
giving into a battle already lost
defeated in one simple blow
my heart the open target
you win.
-copyright of nadia sulayman

stellar lady:: naughti 7:28 PM [+] ::
...

Quality

it is always implied that it will be read; you are invited to read and you are conditioned to interpret in a certain way. you with your individual experiences try to line it up and have it make sense. but it doesnt always come together nice and neat. what is the ideal? why does it last so terrible, never wearing out? with time, the world seems smaller and the ideal becomes more seemingly unattainalbe...but it is only a game that fools try to play. never let that mindset rule your life.

its about the quality of life. keep a positive perspective; even though the quality for society has lessened. consumerism has its grip over western culture. the shoes on your feet are not of quality. but its no problem, you can always buy more, right? you can always purchase another pair made by child laborers in southeast asia. buy more to replace; it is the art of repetitive buying that we have become accustomed to. sometimes i forget how sickening it is. technology seems to be everything in our world, but across the ocean, its destroying lives.

find your journey. understand what your're running away from and know where you're running to. though the suspense at times is torture, dont let that kill your future or kill your journey before you've even started it. do not choose to look back. do not freeze yourself in time. choose to go forward.

yeah, consider that.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:49 AM [+] ::
...

TAKING BACK SUNDAY
SEPTEMBER
20 Chicago, IL @ METRO w/ Midtown, Recover

who's game?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:50 PM [+] ::
...

at times i have to inlict a self-test to see how i stand on certain issues...the great cliche, which i always thought to be true...'out of sight out of mind' ...hasn't worked for me. i need to find something solid, something realistic in my life....yet all i can do is revert back to an unattainable dream...

stellar lady:: naughti 12:30 PM [+] ::
...

Movie to see for possible spiritual epiphany: Dogma
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:36 PM [+] ::
...

Help Wanted

Movie Recommended to us(though we're not sure if we would recommend it to you): Mullholland Dr.
alright, it happened again. me, nat, and nik got suckered into watching yet another movie, which we have no idea what the point was. and we do have a unique knack for overanaylization so we usually dont have any trouble with strange movies but has the screen rolled into credits...we all let out a mutual "HELL NO". and the woman who recommended the movie left for vacation yesterday and will not be back for 3 weeks...so someone, anyone with information leading to the point, moral, or who can clear up any part of the movie...please email one of us.... most importantly, you must be able to answer one if not all of the following:

1. who was what character?
was rita really camilla? was camilla the movie star in the picture, or could that be betty who was really diane, who was the waitress, who was also the white trashy girl...(i could go on but i'll stop.)
2. what was the directional time flow of the movie?
are we moving forwards, backwards, are we switching it up halfway through the movie...what the fuck.
3. how the hell are all the characters related?
ok, how is the guy at the beginning who had a dream about winkies related to the fuckin scary ass demon behind the restaurant who is somehow related to rita who has lost her memory b/c of the car crash and betty who is livin in her aunts posh hollywood apartment aspiring to be an actress who has some scary woman coming to her door tellin her there is trouble, and rita and betty are also camilla and diane, who are related to the director, who picked this one actress because some guy who doesnt like expresso was takin all his money, and the only reason he picked the actress was because the cowboy told him to do so...and the cowboy was at the party...ok, are you getting my drift?
4. what are the points of some scenes?
such as the guy at the beginning who had the dream...the point of the car crash...how did the director know betty(not diane)...what was the point of the opera lady singin in spanish and fainting?...what was the point of the blue box...and what does Mullholland Dr. have to do with anything?
finally....and/or
5. what the hell happened?????
no one needs to worry...i have not given away any information which will ruin the movie...because nothing was accomplished during the 147 minute duration ...as you read these separate incidents and feel very removed...thats exactly how we ended the movie...we felt unresolved, coming to understand that maybe there isnt a point to anything...but if you can cast light upon this newly found gray viewpoint...please enlighten us...it would be greatly appreciated.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:30 PM [+] ::
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