:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Wednesday, February 02, 2005 ::

the baring of scraped knees and bruised hearts

i'm always looking for stuff to get me through...

right now this helps...a clip from miss sabrina ward harrison...

"Now i carry with me every new fresh start. And every final drive away. I don't carry the worry of your departure. I don't carry your number anymore or your schedule on my mind. I carry the desire to go unnoticed and at the same time not be forgotten. I carry the laughter. I carry the dream of you before i knew you and into the days to come. I want to believe there is a bigger plan and a need that is above me for my life. a way that i can trust my decisions and the way it seems to go...

and all that is rational can tell me it is good and right and exciting...what are we aiming for? choosing adventure, choosing life...choosing the road less travelled...

i know it all must be a godsend...giving me space and my own time again, after so long...time to get some perspective, look at my own life with room around the edges...

*today, midway down in the girth of me i feel angry and weird for not understanding why. All this relationship learning...and i feel so sloppy at it. what an emotional mess...i feel like wading through new water...

i have done the best i can and i am giving everything i can think of, that i have to give. to take my life in my own two hands and not apologize. to make my life matter, to take responsibility for what i do in my life. to take responsibility for speaking up...for the ways i take care of my own body, the mistakes and successes ...to stand away from the crowd...

i want to say i'm sorry for letting you down, but i cant say sorry anymore. i cant i just cant.

there will be no one left here...

>s//
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:42 PM [+] ::
...

i wanted to leave
you again today.
you’ve always found my indecisiveness cute.
my stomach turns
as i lay with you in bed.
you hold me tighter
perhaps sensing my
yearning.
i stare at my running shoes across the room
i want
to feel
the hard pavement
on the soles
of my
feet.
you smile at me through heavy
eyes,
before they s l o w l y close once again.
i turn my back
to you
and lay awake
wondering what you must feel like
to be so in love.


*************************************************************************************
My generation is poisoned by consumption.
perhaps activism and the giving-a-damn-about-anything is replaced by devoting long, enduring
hours to Playstation’s newest version of Grand Theft Auto
political fever replaced by fashion frenzies—
Prada bags, Tiffany and Co. bracelets, Armani glasses, and who could forget Diesel jeans?
My generation is brain-dead to the world.
images of abused prisoners overlooked by massive headlines devoted to the new Mini I-Pod with
how many gigabytes?!
We sit around quoting lines from The Simpsons and Napoleon Dynamite, yet we are unfamiliar with
our constitutional rights.
My generation is poisoned with greed.
starving artists replace their sketchbooks and horsehair paint brushes for upgraded graphic design
software
cuz carpal-tunnel syndrome is a small price to pay for designing an improved music downloading
website and profiting off of people’s needs
My generation is apathetic.
i guess i agree with the government officials, they know what their doing, right? i don’t really need
social security benefits, yeah who cares anyway. besides i’m gonna be rich.
we put down religion because God just doesn’t get us, besides the Bible and the Qur’an are too
long, restricting, and outdated
My generation is sleeping.
My dear generation,
Wake the fuck up!



stellar lady:: naughti 10:19 PM [+] ::
...

BY THE BED
by PHANTOM PLANET

Her eyes were closed
When I caught her in bed
She seemed much happier then
I sat by her side
And I couldn't help but cry
I was here for a reason and I
Finally understood
And my oh my
Could only ask myself why oh why
Can't we talk this through
And make things right
I'd sure as hell like to try
Right about this time
She opened her eyes
And asked how long I had been there
Well my tongue was tied
I said nothing I just stared
Then she said: "Oh, I didn't think you cared."
And I wasn't ready for what she said next:
"There is nothing else
That you can do
You can't understand
What I go through
And if the world has changed
Well I'll be damned
And I'm no good at being brave
Not even on the better days
And there are things we can not save
Oh no matter how hard we try."
She said:
"There is nothing else
That you can do
You can't understand
What I go through
And if the world has changed
Well, you'll do fine."
I tried, but no I could not stand
I touched her with a trembling hand
I choked and could not say goodbye
Oh no matter how hard I tried



stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:16 PM [+] ::
...