:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Sunday, September 28, 2003 ::

movie to see: Magnolia

i know. i'm horribly slow when it comes to keeping up with movies. must work on this. but this movie is AMAZING. definitely a possible spiritual epiphany.

artist on the mind: Aimee Mann

It's not going to stop,
Till you wise up.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:35 PM [+] ::
...

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-e.e. cummings


stellar lady:: naughti 11:03 PM [+] ::
...

currently: sipping on miller lite

feeling groovy...especially after my three tests this week. my teacher for comm theories posts the grades right away...i got an A...thus proving that i am the smartest person alive.

feeling content with the way things played out. saved myself a lot of pain. the last word was written in his handwriting. he intended to get what he got. now he needs to get out.

the distance sets us apart. and the next time he meets someone that cares about him as much as i do...all he has to do is let them. he is my greatest disappointment.

we'll see how it is in the end. until then, i now know why god makes strong coffee and stiff cocktails.

band to check out: The Jealous Sound
currently listening to: Stay or Leave by Dave Matthews

our weekend starts on thursday.

his name is now on my shoe.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:46 PM [+] ::
...

Amor vincit omnia

just finished lab...gotta head to english and take a quiz...i promise i'll write more later.
today: checking out H&M (en espanol por favor) then running a couple of miles (followed by some reading...i guess that's what college students do).
by the way if you don't like your job then quite...cuz there are far too many negative people in the world.....or better yet if you gotta stick shoved up your ass please remove it gently(or i'll do it for you!).




stellar lady:: naughti 10:42 AM [+] ::
...

its very disheartening as i look over my calander for the rest of the semester and i realize that i dont get a break--AT ALL. at minimum, every week i either have a test or paper due. for the mostpart; i have multiple tests and/or papers due. theres no chance of me catching my breath at this point any time soon. and it sucks when my roomates have all this free time on their hands. i'm stuck studying/accomplishing shit, leaving me mentally exhausted at the end of the day. i guess thats what i get for doing a double major.

and that is just the educational aspect of my life. all the other areas are puttin some tremendous pressure on my brain too. i'll refrain from venturing to those places right now. dont exactly have time to think about it(dont really want to either). i'll divulge at a later date. but all in all; i'd say i'm holding up pretty well. i'm still alive and kickin.

i will admit that i caved and had a couple of ciggarettes during stressfull times. but i would say that 3 or 4 cigarrettes within over a months time is a hell of a lot better than a pack and a half day. oh; and i am scheduled to do a 5K october 18. look; i'm all healthy and shit now. mad props to me.

this week: test in sociology, hispanic lit and comm theories.
now: tryin to get a degree. so i'm off to the coffeehouse to study. cause thats what college kids do.
currently reading: The Moral Order of a Suburb
inthecdplayer: Jimmy Eat World; Clarity

nothing that makes sense ever works out.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:35 PM [+] ::
...

thank you God for such incredible friends...sometimes i forget how much i love you guys. my appreciation for you is deeper than you can ever know.

at times i wish i was numb.


stellar lady:: naughti 8:02 PM [+] ::
...

as sabrina has said...

i make a lot of mistakes
i tell my doubts
i laugh with my worries
i am frightened by the truth but i need it like my own blood.

this past week felt so out of control. and it really was. lots of fears. not good a loving. not good looking. i'm not good at making stuff happen. i'm not good at articulating how i feel...not good at school..not good at taking care what i love. trying to measure up.

sometimes i feel really in the spotlight and i'm not acting right.
sometimes i feel like i am mean to people who love me.
sometimes i surge with power.
sometiems i am unable to buckle my own euphoria.
sometimes i feel really terrible.
sometimes i want to go home.
sometimes i dont say what i feel.
sometimes i regret what i did..
sometimes i wish i was six.

i am feeling better though, sometimes i forget that i am in control of my life. just need to grab it by the lapels. so i guess i'll be pretty content. just never sure...

quote to contemplate: "Desire is the root of all human suffering."
music on the mind: The Postal Service
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:19 AM [+] ::
...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIK!!!! MWAH!

well this is a poem from memory so hopefully i recite it correctly...

an autumn morning in shokuku-ji

last night watching the Pleiades
breath smoking in the moonlight
bitter memory like vomit
choked my throat
i unrolled a sleeping bag
on mats on the porch
under thick autumn stars
in dream you appeared
(three times in nine years)
wild, cold, and accusing
i woke shamed and angry:
the pointless wars of the heart
almost dawn. venus and jupiter.
the first time
i have ever seen them close

-gary snyder




stellar lady:: naughti 12:01 AM [+] ::
...

the sun gave me a weird epiphany. something like: cant spend rest of life in total misery. good one, right?

more on this later. stay tuned.

keep on truckin'.


stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:56 PM [+] ::
...

its been a stressful past couple of days. after wednesday everything will drop a few notches. not in all respects though. i really wish i could turn my thinking off sometimes. everything is a little off kilter at the moment. hence; my weekend will be starting thursday, if not wednesday night. bah.

sorry for being MIA. i will do my best to visit more often. lates. class in a half-hour. still dont know if i like learning at 8pm.

in the cdplayer: Pedro the Lion; Almost there
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:41 PM [+] ::
...

well i honestly don't know where i've been...and i still have no access to the internet at my place....just trying to get back into the swing of things with school...but there are just so many distractions (i know u guys feel me on that one)....i just keep telling myself that i'm not going to keep doing this and then it happens again...this whole week i got the amount of sleep a person would get in one day...it's sick (and i'm sick). i miss my girlz like crazy...but not to worry next weekend the world is ours!


stellar lady:: naughti 6:42 PM [+] ::
...