:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Saturday, June 21, 2003 ::

"People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the waves of the sea, at the long course of rivers, and they pass by themselves- without wondering." -St. Augustine

i´m sitting here at the locutorio and i´m grateful cuz lupe has miraculously decided to install airconditioning, PTLNAF...let me tell ya, its been 97-100 degrees here in madrid and when you have six people in a tiny apartment, no airconditioning, no fans(!), any opportunity to get out of the piso is taken advantage of...so i´m spending some time at the locutorio...and while it can get very hot in chicago, let me tell ya, we are lucky enough to have airconditioning available in every building we enter. in madrid? hell no, and usually those buildings that do have airecondicionar, its definitely not enought to cool off the capactiy of people in the room. the worst thing? THE METRO. i can rant about that to you some other time. sorry for the minor side track...trying to write a reflection type piece here...so lets see how it goes...

honestly though, i´m just in complete awe of how my time here in spain has flown by. and i´m really finding it hard to think of words to describe my emotions about this trip...so i´ll have sabrina help me out. but i must say that this was the experience of a lifetime and i am luckier than shit to have had this opportunity...it really has been amazing and i wouldnt trade it for the world...in the end i´m just very humbled and very grateful.

i have met an innumerable amount of amazing people. i´ve been touched by these lives i didnt know existed. by people i couldnt possibly think up in my head. being in madrid and travelling has really been like a vacation and i´ve had a lot of reflection time. i really liked being quiet and not hearing english being spoken--just looking.

i feel so different than when i left. the aching girl who felt so lost and burnt out and lost in her own self has healed -- something has shifted in me. i feel so strong. i am not afraid of life hurting me.

the more i´m writing, a) the more i realize that i dont know how to write in english(i´ve been working on this blog for over a half hour, rewriting sentences cuz they didnt make any sense) and b) the more i wish i could perfectly articulate and relay every single detail and anecdote of my journey. but thats impossible to do. maybe i should have been blogging more and been more detailed. but this time away from the computer has really done me some good. some of you may be thinking to yourselves that i´ve still been blogging and emailing quite frequently; but i really havent. you dont know how bad the addiction was antes de este viaje. another thing; i´ve noticed and it has been pointed out to me that i seem to have a stuttering problem when i start to talk in english. if you witness this; please refrain from laughing, as we do not want to permanently damage my social-verbal communication skills.

i feel a surge in me to remember all i have learned on this journey; while it won´t be relayed here, i know it will leak out over the next days and months.

trust yourself.

i have learned to wait a little longer, that i can take my life on my backpack. i learned that i can sit by the sea and make a home for myself. i learned that i could make due with situations i used to think i was not capable of. i reconnected to my peers from all over the world -- we are all so similar.

it will feel exciting to be back.
life feels fresh.
i feel so young and so old.
brave.
i did it. i did it. :)
i can hold things a little looser now, lighten my load of expectations. i´ve learned more about myself this year than ever before. i know how hard i can be on myself. but i also know how strong.

i hope that all made sense.

mah stellar ladies...this tuesday! i cant wait to see yas...until then....MWAH

"with nothing to learn, nothing to figure out, no mysteries, thoughts, if there is no knowledge, no fear or no love -- there is no life."

snap back to reality...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:51 AM [+] ::
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