:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Monday, January 27, 2003 ::

Resistance is Futile

life has its maddening moments and can respond to your frustrations with a patronizing calm. sometimes you wish you could be anonymous and invisible. maybe dead. sometimes you wish that you'd kept running that night, just kept running and never looked back. there are all of those lingering hurts that you carry around like stones sewn into your pockets. and we turn things over and over in our minds, looking ofr the loose thread, the invisible seam, the crack we can pry open so we can figure out the truth. but its hard. it can be draining, exhausting, and insert-your-favorite-euphemism-here. no matter what we do; life is difficult.

you yell, you scream until your throat burns, torn by the sharp words until all you can do is swallow your consonants like they're made of warm taffy or sand. and their responses seemed like you were hearing them for the first time, in all capital italic letters, being boomed out by the guy who does voice overs for movie previews, even though you've heard their words a thousand times before. trying to explain your point of view, only receiving a blank stare from eyes beyond the realm of understanding. it was as if you'd just offered them financial planning advice instead of your heart on a platter.

my advice is to get away. even if its for half a day. but preferably for a longer period of time. it can feel like misery being tethered to this suburb. especially when you have no explanation, no answers. when you're on a battleground, you dont have the luxury of time to dwell on the various historical factors and sociopolitical influences that caused the war. you just keep your head down and try to survive it, to shove the pages back in the book, close the book, close the covers and pretend that nothings broken, nothings wrong. but dont let the sadness become a scar. dont let it or the bone deep weariness become a part of you.

tap two fingers against the window. hello and goodbye. take a step forward, even if that includes a baseball-sized eclair, ciggarettes & coffee, or a party with all your closest friends and a large available amount of alcohol; all which can arguably be the best legal antidotes for human misery. but then you need time to think, to know your own mind before the chorus starts. have faith in the life you're living and the direction your walking. you are almost there.

everyone has history. everyone has baggage, carries parts of their past around. but its easier to let an adventure unfold than to spend much more time reflecting and trying. okay, so here you are, you are here. and you move forward because thats the way it works; thats the only place you go. you keep going until it stops hurting, or until you find new things to hurt you worse, i guess. and that is the human condition, all of us lurching along in our own private miseries. but..as i recall...it gets old and it goes away. you grow up. you learn.

embroider each story from your own personal stash of anecdotes. share your stories so that others may be enlightened...or something along those lines...i dont remember exactly how it goes. but relieve your head of the buzzing static. it doesnt keep you safe, cant keep the wolf from your door. one big lesson is that things happen, and you cant make them un-happen. you dont get do-overs, you cant roll back the clock, and the only thing you can change, and the only thing it does any good to worry about, is how you let them affect you.

nik~i'm sorry for the hurt goin on inside you. things will get better, i promise. and remember that i am only a phone call and a few blocks away...

update:
a weekend away at ISU and i feel rejuvinated. i missed everyone in normal and a weekend with them was exactly what the doctor ordered. it was filled with friends and laughter, late nights and parties, and not to mention morning grogginess accompanied by a few bruises which i unknowingly acquired. these are all ingredients which you can mix, bake at 325 degrees, and let cool for a few days. then, you will have a tasty memory to feast on for the week to come. i couldnt have asked for a better time. my next visit which shall be after valentines day. i cant wait.

otherwise i'm back home in the groove. going to have to go through the motions of another hallmark holiday denoted as one of the biggest money makers in the floral industry. gag me with a fucking spoon. and damn all those romantic idiots as well. but maybe this will be the year which will turn off the negative light i've cast on the first half of february, which is endured through a tired, not to menntion cold, sleepless haze. then again, maybe not.

Quote(s) of the Day

"CBS is the network for viewers who like thier food prechewed."

"Star 69(now mainly caller ID) is the bane of human existence. just think of the generations of pubescent boys who are never going to be able to make hang-up calls to the girls they've got crushes on. think of how they'll be stunted."

book just completed: Good in Bed by Jenifer Weiner
music on the brain: Man and Wife, The Latter (Damaged Goods) by Desaparacidos...an excellent band who has observational commentary about urban development, the sacrafice of human value for the dollar bill, and the new American Dream.

much love to all~mwah~

love is nothing, nothing, nothing like they say.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:21 PM [+] ::
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