:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Monday, December 30, 2002 ::

Very interesting story. i find myself with an overwhelming preocupation/fascination with psychology. the interest has always been there; it is just more prevalent/blatant right now. i'm reading the book The Road Less Travelled. go buy it. its brilliant.

i have had too many days off of work. ok, this is only my third day off, but i've come to the conclusion that thats too much. i NEED to work. you may think i am crazy; for with all this free time i can do whatever activities i please. but i've come to the conclusion that things dont operate that way. when you have this unlimited amount of time given to you, in which you may do what you please; things dont get accomplished. you put things off, "i'll do it in an hour" or "oh its so late i'll just wake up early and do it tomorrow". but the fact is, in an hour you say the same thing and you inevitably dont get up early the next day you then find yourself in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting, losing your dreams to protect your days...or some shit like that; i dont remember how the quote goes. but basically when i work; i am able to ration my time and accomplish the things i want to accomplish. This extra time makes me lazy. i sicken myself sometimes.

ok, i think i've bored you guys enough with my half-thoughts and my incomplete philosophies. but dont you worry; one day i'll write a book. and then this will all make sense. alright, i'm off to waste my time in some more exciting ways.

and your pills make me dizzy forgetting my body
i watch as it walks away
and I just keep drinking the poison and smoking the cartons
a pack and a half a day
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:48 AM [+] ::
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its such a lie that you should do whats in your heart. if we all did what was in our hearts; the world would grind to a halt
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:58 PM [+] ::
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"Those who hurt, instruct"~Benjamin Franklin
"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering."~Carl Jung

stellar ladies; we are slackers...it has been a week since the last post; but this must be forgiven on the grounds that it is the busiest time of year and we all have been consumed by the art of making money in jobs which cator to the art of repetitive buying by consumer america. eh, cela vie.

i am too nostalgic to write right now. christmas is again a success in my household...my family members enjoyed my gifts and i have new music, books, dvds, and paints to keep my busy over tht next couple of months. not to mention items to prepare my for my time in spain. also the TNT station play 24 hours of A Chirstmas Story. best movie ever. i am happy.

i will try to be back before the new year to do a recap deal for ya, fondly recalling that Veni, vidi, vice. i'm making no promises but i'll do my best. merry chirstmas, happy belated chanukah and ramadan, or more universally and politcally correct; seasons greetings and happy holidays whatnot. basically; enjoy your day off. especially to those in retail who shall return to deal with complaints and returns from unhappy customers who have over the course of one day, lost this joyous spirit that supposedly comes with the holiday season. dont worry...this only lasts a few short days and then we ring in a new year. and with this; an excuse to party hardy and transition from 2002 to 2003 by means of a hazy, incoherent disposition. carpe diem.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:22 PM [+] ::
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i'm posting again yes; for this computer withdrawl is harsh to my system. just got back from the city...saw Taking Back Sunday...they were phenomenal...most definitely a kick ass show...i really enjoyed The Starting Line as well...i'm goin to have to check that cd out...thanks to naughti and kevin for an excellent evening. good nite to all.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:24 PM [+] ::
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i really dont have anything profound to say...i am deciding to keep things short and simple; for i dont think you want to read 10 minutes worth of rant and raving about how verizon wireless is shit and anyone who uses them for their cellular service ought to boycott and go for sprint. i'll save you from that. but i shall be having a new cell phone number soon enough. those relevant will be posted.

i've had the past four days off...dont know where they went...back to work tomorrow...which will be good because i should not be allowed to be out in consumer america with other holiday shoppers...i become suseptible to the 'sales' and 'deals' and 'sign up for a JCpennies card and save 10 percent today on your purchase!'....its sickening...i will admit one weakness of mine; Urban Outfitters. especially the one on walton in the city. but all my christmas shopping is almost done...just a grab bag item for work that i need to pick up...well, a few other things too....i like and dislike this time of year....i'm sure the reasons to love the holiday seasons are obvious...i could go into a long entertaining story on my views but you'll have to forgive me...i lack the energy at the moment...instead i'll leave you with this anecdote from a genious mind on the east coast which takes a satirical look at our holiday traditions in the good old U. S. of A.

random thoughts:
1. its absolutely fucking freezing in my house. you think you know, but you have no idea.
2. i need to get my visa for spain.
3. i finally convinced my parents to get us a treadmill. they are getting it this weekend. ha, no more excuses
4. reality tv shows are perfectly disgusting. there are some i do indulge in myself, but society can be pretty sickening.
5. That 70's Show is the best show ever...so is Everybody Loves Raymond...that right there is intelligent humor which most of the masses do not understand...just like the movies...right nat?
6. TBS is tomorrow at the metro. i'll see you there. if you dont have your ticket; you're out of luck. its sold out, sucker.

alright. thats it. things are pretty idle right now. i'll make sure to do some heroin and shrooms and do some crazy fucked up shit so i may relay something more entertaining and prolific for you to read.

movie to see: The Ring...not the best movie...but one to escape to, freak out to, and make you turn on all the lights when you get home
music on the mind: Taking Back Sunday; Great Romances of the 20th Century
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:40 PM [+] ::
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i saw love vanish from someone's eyes last night, and for a moment i didn't believe that love existed....for how could something that wakes him in the middle of the night with tears in his eyes be worth the fight?


stellar lady:: naughti 1:08 PM [+] ::
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A Dichotomy of Doppelganger

well, i'm back home and already into the ruitine of daily life here. back at the flower shop; which can be tiring at time, but its good to see my friends there...definitely not my boss bill tho...he is more of a smelly asshole than ever...his cheap cologne in the morning makes me gag. but i should be havin my raise as a designer which will be needed considering i have major expenses, ie; spain, rent coming up. i will have to make sure though because there have been too many times where important things like raises have been "accidentally" not been mentioned.

this leaves me undecided because i do not know if i want to get a second job at the awesome little cafe not too far from my house. if i do it will not be until after christmas for the hours will be more demand at the shop b/c of xmas time. even if i do apply; i do not know if i would want to be a server. those who know me understand that i lack in the hand-eye-feet coordination aspect. i can forsee many unhappy occurrences...i will have to decide soon though. time is a flying.

speakin of xmas...i have practically no shopping done...this holiday season completely crept up this year.....theres only ____ shopping days left(i really dont know how many are left; i am a) too lazy to do the math and b) relying on the medium of television which is behind me now reminding me that "time is running out")...i suppose i've never really been on top of those kind of things though. something that parallels my procrastination problem.

its funny because i am sort of going through computer/aim withdrawl....i think anyone in college who has access to cable internet will thoroughly agree...i know my roomates do...i believe its been diagnosed at a CTD...a computer transmitted disease...a hardcore distraction...but my computer is still in a box in the den...hopefully tonight it will be up and running...but then i'll only have access to my music cuz we need to get a cord to hook her up to the cable internet...so until then, i'm on my parents computer...which is slower than fuck and has forced me to use even more profanity than the excessive amount that comes out of my mouth...so i wont be up and running on the AIM and the email responses will not be as consistent...so fans; please have patience.

all my shit is in plastic bags and is either sitting in the middle of my living room or my bedroom...my goal has been to get my shit together and unpack...but that wont happen...i'll be livin out of plastic bags till probably after new years...some of it will probably still be there when i leave for spain. speaking of new years...gotta figure out my plans for that...i love to get sentimental and shit and think about where i was a year ago and how much things have changed and how much i've grown/learned....yeah, the average reader of this will be like "ha, how sappy and after-school special sounding"...but its true...if you dont have time to look in retrospect and analyze and learn...you gain nothing...reflecting is one of the best tools in bettering your situation...

thats all for now. my ma is making pasta fagioli....mmmm home cookin...and the best part is its free!

"you think i'm just some asshole in the mix."
"i dont use the term, 'in the mix'."
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:54 PM [+] ::
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some quotes from Huff:
"one thing at a time, one thing at a time" -telling four stories at once does not work.....
"i don't know anything..." -yes huff, your inncocence can sometimes get you in trouble...hence the slip up comment referring to "big feet" in the newpaper.
"i'm done..."- as we lounge in big leather chairs overlooking the silhouette of the city.........all i can say is word, baby, word!

stellar lady:: naughti 1:47 PM [+] ::
...

note to self: tequila and rum is not the best combination for an early morning.

time to move outta blormal. love ya so bad beotches and miss ya hard core. keep the MASH and floorplan up yos~mwah~


stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:14 AM [+] ::
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what exactly am i doing here?????
muchas besas y bueno suerte mis amoras.....
stellar lady:: naughti 8:08 PM [+] ::
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'time', i dont know what it is but i wish that i had some of it.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:33 PM [+] ::
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housing problem: solved
finals completed: 1
finals to go: 4
amount of studying completed in the past 48 hours: 0
days left in bloomington normal: 2

time to get my ass in gear.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:44 PM [+] ::
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this is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

word
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:51 AM [+] ::
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A Clockwork Orange

they way that my brain functions continues to surprise me day after day. i can analyze to no end and half the time, i can be such an active listener. but sometimes; i dont get the simplest things, i'll stop listening(not on purpose mind you, ADHD), or i'll be in mid sentence and forget what the fuck i'm talking about. i can remember the most insignificant details about situations that will never directly affect me in the future. but important things, like my housing contract for next semester, completely slip my mind.

tonight; tori(my future roomate next year) is moving in with cleveland upon my departure next semester. so she's attempting to register for my room, and asks me if i have cancelled my contract. sam=dumbass. how the fuck could i forget about this? so i'm freaking because according to ISU, i need to cancel by certain dates and if i fail to do this, i will have to pay a whopping $627. what...the...fuck....why was i not aware of this?

i quickly scrambled through my spain information and found some relief. i am to fill out a "Block of Time" form which will (1) exempt me from the 4 semester housing rule and (2) exempt me from the panalties for canceling my contract, study abroad is an accepted reason for canceling. so i will go to the University Housing Office and complete this tomorrow. i just hope it doesnt fuck up anybody else's situation, and create a dent in my already spent banking account. so if all goes well, i will not have to incur this debt. i need to get on ginko baloaba or some shit. i've got to save this deteriorating memory of mine. i'll keep ya updated.

time for bed. tomorrow; 7:30 breakfast at vrooman fine dining(the days are winding down for omlets from the best omlet maker ever), off to take care of this shit i got myself into, and then my spanish final. deséeme mucha suerte.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:40 AM [+] ::
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i keep you around as a means of inspiration
a tool for my temporary brilliance
your inconsistency enables a constant flow of light

~
fate is a beautiful surprise....

back to class....

stellar lady:: naughti 10:06 AM [+] ::
...

Word of the Day:

derelict
1 : abandoned especially by the owner or occupant
2 : lacking a sense of duty

spacing out with: Remy Zero; Shattered

everytime its time to go. one more week.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:53 PM [+] ::
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note to self:
-do not wear tan gym shoes in the snow
-do not attempt to run fingers through hair with gloves on...it will cause major static electricity
-start lifting waits because frozen car doors are common
-keep eyes open for so-called friends on campus who plummet you with snow
-slush sucks...ice is worse
-always have an ice scraper in your car, because closed umbrellas do not do the job
....this is just the beginning of my battle with the wonderful world of winter....

stellar lady:: naughti 8:10 PM [+] ::
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The Casualty

first i just want to clarify to clear up any confusion; i put quotes such as those by maynard to evoke emotions inside of those who read this blog. i dont necessarily put them there because they are what i believe, but because i believe it is good to reassess and question what you believe...strong/bold/extreme statements challenge your thought processes. after analyzation; it will either bring you to agree with their point of view or strengthen the foothold in your own beliefs...i'm just offering opposing viewpoints to the norm, another way to look at things.

its good to consider other points of view...life is about opening up to new worlds and redefining who you are and what you stand for. you realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained in your psyche...and you begin to sift through all the bull shit you've been fed and eventually reach a point where you discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown; or should have never bought into in the first place.

today was my last lecture for my literay narrative class...it really makes me sad. that was probably by far the best class of the semester...if not all i have taken here at ISU. my professor and grad student teacher ruled. its one of those classes where i'm going to take a lot with me. it reminded me a lot of literary themes(previously known as independent lit) from highschool; except here the course readings are chosen for you. which isnt necessarily a bad thing. i think its good to be forced to read books under which normal circumstances you wouldnt read. it broadens your horizons. thats provided you take the time to free read at all, you lazy bastards. ha, i guess i shouldnt talk shit tho. i'm guilty of unopened books myself.

reading is a god like science. this material gives you knowledge; useful knowledge. for we should not be suckered by what the government is feeding us. resist and defy; i dont want to be a pawn. neither should you.

regarding the pursuit of forbidden knowledge; the opinions diverge. everyone wants it but some things should be kept from the human race. Jay Robert Oppenheimer; creator of the atomic bomb, would agree that we should restrict our curiosity. because my god, what have we done?

we are reading frankenstein in my lit class..much different from the movie. note: frankenstein is the creator of the monster, not the monster itself. i understood this after i missed that question which seemed blatantly obvious because of backround info i had accumulated in my childhood. but i must remember; all is not as it seems. also, i should probably read the texts before i go to class. but frankenstein and his monster are both on the verge of madness. the creator is self-devoted. the creature is selfish. in order to make what you want you must destroy what is already there. now, the big cosmic question. for, we are here, right? so why are we capable of hurt? of suffering? why should we have this ability of emotion? now, whether you believe in a god or believe we are here by natural selection or soem other random process, why cant we just be happy? if you belive in god, why would a good god allow us to hurt? if we are here by evolution, where the fuck did these emotions come from? all valid questions i suppose. maybe its all based on perception. but none the less the biggest bummer is inevitable. its that you're going to die.

its all madness and insanity...the differentiation between waking life and dream life. i mean, how do we know we're not dreaming? memeories are the dreams that are mistaken for reality. we think we know what past is, but do we? can we really distinguish these things? when the story ends, frankenstein has learned nothing. he is no wiser than at the beginning.

a man once said to the universe,
"sir, i exist."
"however," replied the universe, "the fact has created in me no sense of obligation."

Updates:
1. my flight is booked for spain...i'm outta here march 28....babooya!
2. figured out my major/minor situation. as much as i would love to do a minor in english as well; i would be here probably another three years more than necessary....so its boiled down to a major in International Communications with a minor in spanish...my minor will be completed when i return from spain and in two years, spring of 2005; i will have myself a degree. note to self: turn in application to mass comm department before next week.

spacing out with:Cursive; Shallow Means, Deep Ends

alright, i'm going to be productive now. yeah right, no i'm not. fuckers.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:50 PM [+] ::
...

so i understand it is 8:50 in the morning....with little sleep because of my bad decision to stay in the city last night when i could have gotten work done, i'm at school feeling the urge to vomit (one of the side-effects of me getting no sleep) and trying to work on my paper (don't worry i'm almost done).

quick note: i think this is the second time i've disliked something this keenan guy has said. i do believe there is a difference between being spiritual and religious. you can be spiritual but not religious and vice versa. but to insult religion as a whole is wrong. it seems to me that he is referring to one religion, or better yet, corrupt people giving a particular religion a bad name, and he shouldn't generalize his thoughts to such a broad scope. there are certain traditions within certain religions that i disagree with, but i would neve dismiss all religions like that.
stellar lady:: naughti 8:54 AM [+] ::
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just a few things to consider; compliments of my fit of unproductiveness...

"There is a big difference between religion and spirituality. If you are walking a spiritual path, it is because you are trying to help others or yourself for the greater good. You are trying to become a more concious being through your actions and by understanding what motivates you. Religion on the other hand is basically a marketing plan. There is a middle-man involved and somewhere along the line, somebody is going to ask you for your credit card number. They are going to pass a plate in front of you, trick you into giving 10% of your income to some child-molesting fuckhead, ask for your money, or worse - trick you into giving up your civil rights over some story book"
Maynard James Keenan

'Have you got any soul?' a woman asks the next afternoon. That depends, I feel like saying; some days yes, some days no. A few days ago I was right out; now I've got loads, too much, more than I can handle. I wish I could spread it a bit more evenly, I want to tell her, get a better balance, but I can't seem to get it sorted. I can see she wouldn't be interested in my internal stock control problems though, so I simply point to where I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.'

maybe guilt distorts perception. i asked your opinion; you said you didnt feel guilty.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:55 AM [+] ::
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the constant is not so constant anymore.

back in blormal with only a little over a week to go...

peace out beotchs...see ya in a few.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:59 PM [+] ::
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