:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Friday, November 29, 2002 ::

"i've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me who I'm supposed to be. so it's easier to remember who i am."- brian andreas

go here for further inspiration.

currently listening to: Aerosmith; Crazy
voy a hacer: mira una pelicula se llama PI con mi amora........buenos noches y duerman bien........
stellar lady:: naughti 10:21 PM [+] ::
...

Happy Turkey Day and So Forth...

it definitely feels good to be at home. i didnt realize how much i missed the idiosyncrasies of everyday life here. but sometimes i catch myself reverting back to my preconceived notions of this town and the people; though it is true that gossips as good as gospel in this town. i cant let myself get caught back in that web. when i do, i lose everything i have learned over the past two years. remember; ya must not let outside influences dilute or infect your state of mind.

but nonetheless; its good to be here...my family, my friends, my cats...and little things; the way my house is absolutely fucking freezing because my father is the heat nazi, my brothers and i laughing as we watch the simpsons...my cat and how deaf he's become...not that we laugh at his misfortune; but he's a riot....ya know, shit like that...its crazsy; this will be my permanent residence again soon...but only for the next three in a half months...and its a little less than two weeks and i'm out of blormal...it creates a melancholy which worms its way through my body, but a relief at the same time...i cant explain it...it sucked packin up half my shit, my side of the room empty...i will miss school to an unbelievable extent; but i will be able to breathe here again...and look at things in a different light and take advantage of this time/location.

alright~sorry about that, just had to get those serious things off my chest....oh wait; chicas~ this is what i was referencing to last night...i found it, ya knew i would...

blah blah blah...well, i cant think of anything else to say...i'll return w/ something more entertaining soon...this weekend i'm sure; for i will do my best to avoid unpackin my shit, doin laundry, and gag me~studying for finals...

so i had this contemplation...i'm thinkin a may do a double minor...i'm not sure if thats even possible..so i'll have to find out...but i'm just in love with my literary narrative class....so a major in International Communications w/ a minor in spanish and in english... if i could, i would major in everything...sometimes there's a hunger of knowledge inside me and i cant seem to get full...

everyone eat massive amounts of food; i sure will...not that ISU doesnt provide fine dining services but ya can only handle so much of that shit. theres nothin like ma's home cookin...

on another quick tangent; a friend had asked me why i didnt believe in love and i just wanted to correct him...i do; i said that phrase out of a fit of emotional damage...i do believe in love but its hard sometimes...this unique and undescribable concept has hurt me and kept me up more nights than a care to count...

it got worse~
the current world is unexplainable
like the first verse.
trippin, flippin,
alone with no sense of
why or time.
me, myself,
and...
you.
what?
cant even explain how i just paused in thought
and got you on my mind.
chaos reigns~
so the beat stutters three times.
a ringing phone,
wait.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:06 PM [+] ::
...

let me begin by saying what an eye-opening experience i had today.....
how many twelve year olds do you know that contemplate death?...that live day to day wondering why they must endure the horrors that surround them.....there are thousands of children that have lost the innocence within them and are left with a heart full of hate. there are children who experience a lifetime of pain in one day, and they experience it everyday. you want proof of the monsters who impose such torture?....watch a documentary by James Longley...entitled "Gaza Strip". it is taken from the point of view of palestinian children in the gaza strip...it's real...no filtering...no lies. the inhumanity imposed by the people occupying palestine will make you doubt the goodness within people. their purpose is torture...not justice...nerve gas, which paralyzes one's body and feels as though you going to explode, is not a way in which a message should be spread.
ok...i'm at a friend's house....gotta go....to be continued.....
stellar lady:: naughti 12:49 AM [+] ::
...

i caught myself before i fell
into the trap that i constructed
decieving the very person i trusted
there is no truth in anyone
when you can't believe yourself

ok i should probably pay attention in class now....
stellar lady:: naughti 10:04 AM [+] ::
...

i was looking through my desk drawer, i guess i found what i was looking for.

"remember; self-realization is one of the biggest goals in life. to laugh is to risk appearing a fool. to weep is to risk appearing sentimental. to reach out for another is to risk involvement. to expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. to place your ideal, your dreams before a crowed is to risk their loss. to love is to risk not being loved in return. to live is to risk dying. to hope is to risk despair. to try is to risk failure. yet remember, that risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risking NOTHING."

a real update to come. now its another attempt at that thing called sleep;
for...
the sun came up with no conclusions
flowers sleeping in their beds
the city’s cemetery’s humming
i’m wide awake
its morning
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:43 AM [+] ::
...

Its hard to ignore all the news reports.
They say we must defend ourselves.
Fight on foreign soil.
Against the infidels.
With the oil wells.
God save gas prices.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:19 PM [+] ::
...

isn't alcohol poisoning the greatest?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:29 AM [+] ::
...

i saw love in someone's eyes tonight...and for a moment i wanted to be the one he loved...just for the sake of being loved.


stellar lady:: naughti 10:33 PM [+] ::
...

help humankind before you help yourself....i've decided i need to put this into perspective. although i haven't indulged in spending money on myself lately, i also haven't given back to the people in society who need help. i'll admit i'm a fairly broke college student who can't afford to buy Streetwise everyday, but i should be donating my old clothes or time to local non-profit organizations. and on another level, after great sociological research on how advertising affects children's perspectives on gender-roles, i can't see myself working in a field that doesn't better society. selling my soul to a more capitalistic society is not the type of job i had in mind to pursue. i can no longer fathom working hard at something that doesn't better people. i don't think i would be satisfied knowing that i was working in a career to better myself and not others.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!!! -let's get this straight once an for all....my b-day is the 19th...yours is the 20th......lol!
stellar lady:: naughti 6:20 PM [+] ::
...

"How much of my brain is wilfully my own? How much is not a rubber stamp of what I have read and heard and lived? Sure, I make a sort of synthesis of what I come across, but that is ALL that differentiates me from another person?"
- Sylvia Plath

meal plan problem: solved
classes missed due to necessity of sleep:2(my ass was up for my 8 and 10, eyelids refused to stay open for rest of day)
accomplished this week:american diversity and literary narrative papers
left to be completed:country study paper for Women, Gender, and Society, along with a presentation on friday.

currently listening to:incubus; clean~acoustic version

my head is a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:49 PM [+] ::
...

ADHD in full effect
i have no motivation or patience to be productive right now. i'm too tired to focus. maybe i'll actually be in bed before midnight. that is my goal. and thats why the weekends are rough. they leave a lasting impression, throwing your sleeping patterns off kilter, fucking up your system for the rest of the week. i suppose its the price you pay. there is no right or wrong; merely the consequence of your actions.

well, i am officially out of money for my meal plan. dont know what i'm going to do. having the smallest plan, not going home as often, and my mulitple doses of caffiene each day are the reasons which the dinero has depleted. hopefully my parents will add a little to the balance so i can make it through. this may be doubtful though; as i fondly recall my father saying, "sam, you don't need to eat." i guess food isnt a necesity in keeping your organs functioning. ya coulda fooled me. also, i'm trying to save money myself; for spain, my rent, my addictions. you gotta set your priorities straight, right? there's nothin a little heroin cant fix.

anyways, i only had 12 dollars left last night. so today, before i bought lunch, i went to the machine in watterson where you can add money to your balance and put 20 dollars in. it told me that my new balance was $20.78. i was like, what the fuck?, but i proceeded to get my lunch which consisted of a veggie burger, tomato soup, and an apple(just thought i'd provide imagery to make this anecdote more enjoyable). as im checking out and the lady swipes my card, it says that i have five dollars left. now i'm REALLY like WTF. i'm thinking maybe it takes a while to process or whatnot. so tonight at dinner i checked my balance again on the machine before i ate, and it said that i still had $20.78....shouldnt that number have gone down? well, i go to check out my vegetables from good old Eleanor's Kitchen and a bag of baked barbeque lays (yummy)and after i swipe, i only have a dollar left. i told the checkout lady about my predicament and she provided no useful information. she just told me to go to the redbird card office in the bone. this shit is such a pain in my ass. oh well, whaddya gonna do.

in the cd player: piebald; the king of the road



stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:44 PM [+] ::
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS NADIA!!!!

love you and miss you tons!
~mwah~
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:36 AM [+] ::
...

welcome to the realities of women across the globe....we are extremely fortunate.

currently reading: the Quran
stellar lady:: naughti 8:01 PM [+] ::
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This makes me sick to my stomach. There was a viewpoint aritcle in the Daily Vidette today about it, and we also discussed it in my women, gender, and society class. the punishment and the manner in which it is carried it out is horrifying. read some of the people's comments. i dont agree with all of them, especially the overgeneralizatoins about the islamic religion, but many of them are worth considering. And the most recent controversy in the media is regarding the Miss World competition, which is to be held in Nigeria. Read about that here. Only five counrties are boycotting at the moment. But theres still time for them to join the race again. i guess the importance placed on beauty is not just a disease in the advanced economic society. And dont get me started on the pageant and its sole function as a money maker that reinforces the illogical beauty myth of 'skin and bones', which has been ingrained into the psyhe of young women everywere. But anyways, the equality between men and women in U.S. society is still quite unbalanced; i dont know if it will every be fully equal, but conditions have improved and we are continuing to break through this glass ceiling. Granted i have my own qualms with our goverment and society, but we are lucky to live in a place where we can change such things(relatively speaking, but thats another issue in itself). i can't imagine living in a country under such laws; laws that not only permit stoning, but will blame and arrest a woman because she was raped. if this were the case in the U.S., one out of every four women would be in prison right now. think about that.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:18 PM [+] ::
...

ok my post did not look like the one below ...there was obviously a problem in the publishing process, so now it doesn't make sense...i don't have time to fix it...actually i don't know how to fix it....but you can still get an idea of what i'm talking about....
stellar lady:: naughti 11:53 AM [+] ::
...

sam u need to update the less computer savvy people as to how you are incorporating links throughout the page....but there will be time for that when you come home. also everyone check out the indy-media site...the biasly (is this a word?) true information will blow you away.

can you please explain to me the mentality of the majority.....why is it that you have to be a cetain nationality to be guaranteed equal rights? why are we angry that Mexicans are migrating to the US to work under harsh conditions and little pay? they are the bases of our big corporations and do jobs that the majority of americans would never concieve of. They are taken advantage of because many are illegal, hence they cannot complain to an outside power. but they're taking away american jobs right? but it's ok for us americans to travel to other countries in which a better opportunity is available and work abroad. just as long as we end up on top it doesn't matter who we step on to get there. recently, the people of a third world country demanded a raise to 17 cents a day for making disney appearel. if you can't understand the inhumanity in that, you must be not be breathing.
i have so much more to say, but so little time right now....


stellar lady:: naughti 11:46 AM [+] ::
...

recap

as the semester winds down, the days inflict a more intense and draining toll on the body. as the weeks progress, i am seemingly becoming more and more impervious to pulling off no sleep on the weekends, and no sleep during the week. this combination was manageable at first, but with less than four weeks of the semester left to go, this combination will a) cause you to be late for work, and b) cause you to miss class. Entonces, estoy cansada(and if ya dont know what that means, click here and figure it out; its self-explanatory. you're goin to have to get use to the spanglish, for i really wont have time for this shit in spain. my posts may incorporate both languages as i quickly compose updates. so get use to it or learn the language, asshole.), and cleveland and i are takin a slow approach to the nite because of this already long weekend. for when we party; we always party hard.

i've been playing on this fucking contraption all night, doing non-school mind stimulation, and i've added some other sites for you to check out...go there...you may find something interesting..and hell; you just may learn something.

i've been contemplating adding users to this blog...havent talked to my fellow bloggers about it...but i think its a good idea. i'm sure you all are sick of hearing about my ramblings...i know i am, since i am the one who posts the most on this shit. so send your applications my way; via email. i would like to get some testostorone up in here, so guys dont be shy; a male perspective can always be refreshing and we stellar ladies are not gender biased. so when new bloggers arrive, changes will be made in the template.

less than a month till my ass is moved out of blormal...it saddens me(note to self: must start taking pictures before semester ends), but it will be good to be at home and be near the city...i've got so much shit to do still...you think i would have accomplished something...ok ok...i need to give myself credit; i have crossed a few things off my To Do list...but i still have a lot more to go...like applying for my major; was suppose to get some of that done friday...but i slept in. i swear my alarm clock wakes me up whenever it deems fit.

sooo...........

forseen major: International communications
forseen minor: Spanish
possible double major: international communications and spanish

we'll see...

but...

it has been suggested that i should be an English major. for example: you need a paper on vietnam? yah, i can help ya with that.
or...
you need an interior designer? ya, i can decorate your store. or whatever confines necessary.
and i can do it all in spanish, beotch.
maybe i should rethink my major; i seem to get a hard on for english and the arts. but who knows. all i know is today was the first snow. its that time of year again, we're coming full circle.

enough of 3 Man, its time to socialize folks.

thats enough for you, stay tuned.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:52 AM [+] ::
...

i go through my phases of certain bands, which right now i'm groovin on bright eyes(yes, still), but there are some people who just dont understand the affinity...so i feel i should offer easy access of information for those of you who have not been enticed and touched by conor's genious....for those who havent, subscribe to this mind. thats my piece for now everyone...after this week and in preparatoin of the next, i plan on waking up in a strange place tomorrow morning and not remembering how i got there.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:49 PM [+] ::
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"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." --Albert Einstein

hmm, that could be a reasonable explanation.

realplayer: Alkaline Trio; Sorry About That
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:02 AM [+] ::
...

~But if everything that happens is suppose to be and it is all predetermined, you cant change your destiny. Then i guess i'll just keep moving and someday, maybe, i'll get to where i'm going~

When i come home, i think we should hang and black out together.


stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:43 PM [+] ::
...

do what you love and things will eventually fall into place....i'm relying on this small phrase said by an assuring friend last night. i may even end up in jobs i dred, but in the end i'll find my place, my calling. use the downfalls as stepping stones to reach the place in life that will make you happy. everyone seems to know where they're going in life, and i'm stuck with a dim lit path in front of me. in reality, no one knows where they are going. we can all just hope to end up somewhere. the past and present haven't been so bad, so why am i so worried about the future?

musica: grace is gone~ dave matthews band

stellar lady:: naughti 10:14 PM [+] ::
...

Quote to Contemplate:

What is your biggest sin?
Brandon: I don’t believe in sins. I believe
in good and bad. My parents took me to a
community when I was nine and we learned to
think for ourselves and to decide for
ourself what is good and what is bad.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:12 AM [+] ::
...

oh sam, you just beat me in procrastination....

empty the glass of your need
so that you won't be disgraced
stop longing for someone out there
and begin seeing within
~rumi


stellar lady:: naughti 9:16 PM [+] ::
...

will my number come up eventually?
like love is some kind of lottery,
where you scratch and
see whats underneath.
it's 'sorry',
just one cherry,
'play again'.
get lucky.

spacing out with: bright eyes; waste of paint
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:07 PM [+] ::
...

What is past is prologue

Every little trifle, for some reason, does seem incalculably important today and when you say of a thing that "nothing hangs on it", it sounds like blasphemy. there's never any knowing--how am i to put it?-- which of our actions, which of our idlenesses wont have things hanging on it for ever.
--E.M. Forster, Where Angels Fear to Tread

~attending to endless needs and needless ends,
and dont ever underestimate people, dont ever underestimate the pleasure they receive from viewing pain that is not thier own, from delivering bad news, watching bombs fall on television, from listening to stifled sobs from the other end of the phone line. pain by itself is just pain. but pain + distance can = entertainment, voyeruism, human interest, cinéma vérité, a good belly chuckle, a sympathetic smile, a raised eyebrow, disguised contempt.

Night's darkness is a bag that bursts with the gold of the dawn

television- in short, nothing but an apparition. a ghostly daguerreotype formed from the quicksilver imagination, preserved by the salt solution of tears.

he stood schizophrenic; he did not require a passport to live in two places at once.
whatever she believed was not formed by faith but carved from certainty.

you're out of depth- everyone has to be taught a lesson. either everything is sacred or nothing is. everyone gets whats coming, sooner or later.
~KARMA~

nothing changes here, things are only retold, remembered. its all about time. not just its stillness but the pure, brazen amount of it, quantity rather than quality. something to rationalize, to explain, why one would keep returning, to the same miserable scenario. but time is what it comes down to. after you've spent a certain amount, invested so mush of it in one place, your credit rating booms and you feel like breaking the chronological bank. you feel like staying in the place until it pays you back all the time you gave it--even if it never will.

for them; it was really all about being the witness, being the expert. they went there because they knew that place. inside and out. but; if you cant explain to your kid why glass will shatter at certain impacts but not others, if you cant understand how a balance can be struck between democratic secularism and religious belief within the same state, or you cant recall the circumstances in which germany was divided--then it must feel good to at least know one particular place, one particular period, from firsthand experience, eyewitness reports; to be the authority, to have time on your side, for once.

no offense meant. of course; my opinion's not the fucking word of god, as it were, but it's still my opinion~

Currently Reading: White Teeth

i've been doing some free reading lately, which is nice; but i should really be spending that time on required readings and writings...
i'm happy to be having four months off. sometimes you just get sick of working so hard all the time. but enough of that talk. all is well; i'm just trying to keep my nose clean and my ass out of trouble.

a distance is establishing itself, between those who stay indoors and those who run riot outside.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:40 PM [+] ::
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:33 PM [+] ::
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What happens to a dream deferred?

this inability to fall asleep at nite is becoming a common occurrence. not a good thing. its a battle; trying to resist the urge to look at the clock. because once you do, you realize how long you've just been lying there, awake, and that the amount of actual sleep that will be acquired is dwindling as each thought passes. so you roll around, switch positions, realize that you are either a) too hot or b) too cold, and remind yourself to not to look at the clock. its an addictive game which ends with you inevitably; looking at the clock. you then immediately calculate how many hours until you have to get up and realize you've spent the past hours gaining no sleep and accomplishing no work. had you known that this would have been a sleepless nite; you would have spent it actually being productive instead fooling youself to believe that sleep would have come and graced you with its presence. you spend the next day lethargic, welcoming any moment to close your eyelids, wondering what you problem was last nite, cuz you could sure as hell use some shut eye now. insomnia; its another one of life's vicious cycles.

i...

1. Have to get up in about 2 hours
2. have a spanish test at 12
3. have a presentation at 1
4. will be able to acquire my lost hours of sleep starting at 2; its my day off
5. am just composing a temporary waste of time.

maybe if i hadnt given in; i would be walking through the air of those who sleep. but the most beautiful word in the american language is a concept which continues to boggle my mind.

and what is the most beautiful word in the american language, my friends?

Resist

stellar lady:: Anonymous 4:17 AM [+] ::
...

mad props to marc....he speaks for all of us who are fed up with being 'idiots'....and fed up with being society's puppets. we all fall into the trap of wanting the things society says are good for us. hence, why we are killing ourselves in college. we search so hard for love in a perfect form, yet we don't understand that love takes a different form for all of us. we keep running back to the chick flics that instil an ideal type of love. i know love exists...rumi would never have been able to write so beautifuly if it didn't...but i think each of us creates our ideal love.....it will last and be beautiful if we make it so. yeah maybe reality does come crashing in for some when they realize they fell in love with someone they no longer have anything in common with....nothing is guaranteed, but it doesn't mean it's not worth it. create your own love, don't follow the rules of love that society offers. think about all the cultures in the world who define love differently. who says we are right? we do have the highest divorce rate among all other countries. yet we fall into this society's trap because we have no other example. ...then again who am i to be speaking on such a topic?

~finally, i've come to the conlcusion that i'm not dissapointed in the way you treat me, instead i found that what is dissapointing is the person you are~

stellar lady:: naughti 10:58 PM [+] ::
...

you know, art is why i get up in the morning, but my definition ends there. it doesnt seem fair that i'm living for something i cant even define; and there you are in the meantime.

~as i hide behind these books i read, while scribbling my poetry, like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve. and i am never real; it is just a sketch of me. and everything i have made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.~

such a sucker for a sweet talker. such a sucker...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:03 AM [+] ::
...

its a deafening silence. all the insight, the celestial vision. i yearn for that mystic feeling; love that fills you up so rapidly and efficiently you just want to burst. hold on to that 'let go' feeling and allow it to cleanse your soul. i use to see crying as a sign of weakness, emotional instability. i was viewing it too much from a societal standpoint. i now focus on human interaction with the environment and all the beauty/simplicity that is intertwined. how easily we humans create complications and devise drama. to forget everything and laugh is a sobering scene. Its pure genious~ we have the ability to create. and i can see you glow~ perhaps i am biased to see through it. and though we are divided, strewn among dysfunctional compliments, feeling lost, struggling as we crawl along this broken road~ getting lost is how we find our way. anything in life is possible. take it, and reconstruct it into something magical.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:17 PM [+] ::
...