:: Idle Neurosis ::

:: Saturday, August 31, 2002 ::

it still boggles my mind how with merely an hour and a half in between two cities, both which i refer to as home, time and life can carry on in such different manners...its hopping between two parallel universes. but; you can cast a new perspective on any situation at any given time...it all depends on your current viewpoint and what you allow yourself to make of it...remember; outside influences must not be allowed to dilute or infect your state of mind.

"Whats de solution?

...certainly we could argue this out in the street, but i think, in the end, your past is not my past and your truth is not my truth and your solution--is not my solution. so i do not know what you would like me to say. truth and firmness is one suggestion, though there are many other people you can ask if that answer does not satisfy..."
-excerpt from White Teeth

Beverage currently consuming: coffee(yes, i am addicted.)
La Musica:311, Champaigne(yes, nick hexum is my boyfriend.)

half thoughts. put them all together and you have less than you began with.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 9:58 AM [+] ::
...

Boycott Brewsters.
Subway has 16 oz coffee for 69 cents.

eat fresh.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:28 AM [+] ::
...

The Human Condition

We're born, we live, we die. giving up equals acceptance. the human story is composed of recognizing ourselves as we get stuck and struggling to find who we are. And in the end we die peacefully. We let go.
You never get the imperial message which will save your life.
There is an unreliable narrator who raises all these questions; but it may not be real. Question his/her veracity. They are not necessarily omniscent or omnipotant. Do not give in to the altruistic ways if you are not guilty.
For the enemy is always merely passive, and only gains from your desperate, confused movements.

NOTE:for those who don't know, Incubus tickets go on sale this friday for the october 13 show in champaign. i'll see you there.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 6:09 PM [+] ::
...

where am i???
ok, so i understand it's been awhile...i don't even know where i've been. there was no physics lab today so i got up for a 9:00 class for no reason at all...worst of all i don't have another class until 11:00...but it's all good. all i have to say is that i'm going to be a hermit for the next semester....too many classes not enough time...but i panic every semester...we'll just have to see how it goes. oh and by the way karma hit me hard yesterday....you know how i take delight in east-asian accents....well, my physics professor cannot be understood...me and this kid in my class along with the other couple hundred people in the room tried decoding what he was saying for an hour and fifteen minutes...and u know it must be bad if i can't understand him. i really miss the both of you...and to whom ever else is reading....i miss u too. i'm officially a brunette again....the red was cool for like a week....but it just wasn't me...as much as people liked it...i wasn't happy with it...it was too loud for my personality....sorry u guys didnt get to see it. sam you have to fill me in this weekend...sounds like a lot has happened for the good. there was so much more that i had to say....but my brain isn't working very well...i'll see you guys this weekend...
~luvs and kisses~

stellar lady:: naughti 9:41 AM [+] ::
...

after hours of focusing on multiple subjects, hyperactivity has hit me and cleveland...which is definitely not good considering we have an 8:00 tomorrow morning...oh yeah baby...

helpful hints:
1. Coffee is a necessity. If you plan on making it through classes which have a duration of 75 minutes, no matter if its an 8:00 or 11:00, caffiene is a must.
2.When homework is assigned; write it down. in complete sentences. Frustration will occur due to lack of explicit instructions.(note: frustration will be enhanced when assignement is due the next day.)
3.At night; lock your door. If you fail to do this, random strangers will be rocking back and forth on your floor; watching you sleep.
4.Come to understand that; the less sleep you get, the more sleep you will require. also, the more sleep you get; the more sleep you will require. its quite a paradox.

Currently listening to:Red Hot Chili Peppers; Can't Stop









stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:53 AM [+] ::
...

its all copasetic

we are in a world where you experience guilt by virtue of existence.
you are guilty because you are a human being.
and what is the imperial message?
who can find their way through this huge labyrinth?
nobody could fight their way through here even with a message from a dead man.
but you sit at your window when evening falls and dream it to yourself.

do not fear kids; the cosmos is in order.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:52 PM [+] ::
...

our weekend starts on thursday

its always refreshing to meet new people who can blow your mind. i met this guy last night and i had the most fucking amazing intellectual conversation that i've had in a really long time...we did exchange numbers...and yes, he did call today....i just got off the phone actually...we're goin to hang out sunday...heehee...i'm such a dork. its funny how situations can come out of nowhere... you always find love at the most unexpected moments...when your not lookin for it.

school is groovin along...classes are excellent. it shouldnt be hard(knock on wood)...just a lot of reading...i'll be reading 7 books for one class! what the! but my classes are really interesting...especially my women gender and society class...some excellent discussions so far...

you guys remember the anti-frat? the STD's? haha...well the boys created a sister sorority...the tri chi's(or ki's, i dont know, i this isnt my area of expertise)....XXX...the mottos are "we buy beer not friends" and "we're not sluts"...i find it pretty comical....anyone who is part of such organizations; take no offense. its all in good fun.

well, must shower and get ready for the evening's festivities. laughter is the best medicine.....and beer helps too.

Windows Media Player: Mobile by avril lavigne(haha, i know i know)

got my check from the blue dahlia today...yay money...
too bad its all goin up my nose. i dont smoke; i just shoot up.

Ha, jinx me something crazy.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:40 PM [+] ::
...

my girls...i got hit by a brickwall of homework on the first day...i already have more shit to do than i know what to do with myself...i will call soon, promise, and write more on this blog when time allows...love you guys...
~
this wont mean a thing come tomorrow
and thats exactly how i'll make it seem.
thinking, i've crawled home from worse than this
so please, please,
i'm running out of sympathy...i never said i'd take this lying down.
if its not keeping you up at night,
then whats the point?
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:59 AM [+] ::
...

i've come to the conclusion that caffeine is no substitue for sleep...that's what i lived on for the past couple of days. but my lack of sleep was completely worth it because i spent the weekend with some incredible people. i'm so happy to have finally met the people sam finds comfort in away from home. sarah and amy are such sweethearts and i'm so glad you have them by your side. it just hit me yesterday going down the escalator in the mall that your not here anymore. i know we said our good-byes on saturday but i really didn't let it sink in........i was probably too tired to let it sink in. but i wanted to call you and tell you to come over to watch a movie and then a sad feeling came over me when i realized that summer is officially over. but we had fun, didn't we ladies?? with every passing season our friendship will grow....but thanks again for an awesome weekend........give hugs to everyone at ISU for me........minus sheldon and friends........hahahaha.........yuck!! thanks for trying to save me from that situation....luv you nik and sam....truly.
luvs and kisses

musica spinning right now: Howie Day -"she says".............by the way i met him downtown today.........he's beautiful, sweet, and talented...pure perfection.

good luck tomorrow nik!!!!!!!!
stellar lady:: naughti 11:34 PM [+] ::
...

ahhhhh.......once again...

i'm sittin at my desk in my kick ass room here in hewett hall, in normal ILLINOIS....what the hell....some guy just pinched my ass...what a jerk! haha....its all about the subconscious state of mind...
i've had a great weekend...girls...i miss you already! its so funny cuz i kept thinking i was hearing you guys in the hallwayafter you left...and amers said that a couple of times she thought she heard you too! it was funny...you guys will have to return soon. we all had a blast that nite...last nite rocked too... i have stories to tell...they will be much better relayed in person tho...

halleluja! i dont think thats how you spell it but thats my best attempt at it...my books...i have like, 4! i only spent $123! that is awesome compared to last year when i spent over $300...college books are highway robbery, damnit...

ok, i cant think of anything else at the moment...goin to eat something before the first floor meeting...ick.

currently listening to: twothirtyeight; regulate the chemicals

stellar lady:: Anonymous 7:35 PM [+] ::
...

its been a long day, feeling kind of removed, stuffing my life into plastic trash bags, each one to soon be thrown in a car and relocated. felt rushed all day but i'm starting to relax now...

i read my horoscope in the tribune for my birthday and it gives a forcast for my upcoming year. it said two things...something along the lines of that at the beginning of the year i will learn a lot from my studies abroad(this will be spain) and that i will enjoy my new location/ home a few months after(getting my apartment at ISU)...its super creepy how it directly applies to me...hope they both come true.

well, i just took some valerian root to help me sleep...which i will be doing as soon as i sift through my shit and find my bed. and hopefully no more scary dreams. i've been having some weird ones...with tornadoes and getting shot at. it wasnt fun waking up from that...
who knows; nightmares meet rationality in a constant battle, shattered only in dreams, forever met in chaos.

well, i'm out. i'm ready to go back. this semester is going to kick some royal arse.

everyone synchronize your existence; we're in for a hell of a ride.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 10:53 PM [+] ::
...

also girls....
thank you SO much for such a groovy birthday...
you both are amazing
luv you
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:52 AM [+] ::
...

Caffeine and Nicotine

ahhh....its running through my veins again...i'm going to be wired for the rest of the nite. it wasnt the smartest idea on my part but hey, there is no right or wrong, just the consequence of your actions.

and so we're at the edge again...this summer flew by...at some points i never thought it would end but now i find myself leaving it one more time...this summer definitely ruled. for the mostpart, i accomplished everything i had planned out..except for a few minor things...such as painting(well get to that tho, right nat?) and reading(though the lack of books read has a lot to do with my increasingly prevelant symptoms of ADD). but hey, i've got all the time in the world, right?

lalala...

today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.
dont open the door to the study and begin reading.
take down a musical instrument.
~
out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field.
i'll meet you there.
~
when the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesnt make sense.
~
the breeze at dawn has secrets to tell.
dont go back to sleep.
you must ask for what you really want.
dont go back to sleep.
people are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
the door is round and open.
dont go back to sleep.
~rumi

i would write more but ADD is kicking in and i dont have the patience right now...gotta start packing, shit.

hours till moving back to ISU: approximately 35

in the cd player: Taking Back Sunday

left my sweet soul
beneath the bedclothes.
i'm not coming down.
walls have ears,
but no one hears,
when nobodys around.


stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:48 AM [+] ::
...

oh nooooooo i'm not too late.......am i? is it the 14th already? well, anyway............
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN SAM!!!!!!!!!
luvs and kisses
stellar lady:: naughti 12:04 AM [+] ::
...

i have a blank canvas begging for some color.......huff just left my house and now i'm going crazy wondering if there is any creativity left in me tonight. i'm hoping for some sort of inspiration, but inspiration comes when it pleases....it comes when you least expect....it leaves you wondering who wrote the incredible poem in your journal, because it sure as hell wasn't your uncreative self. i promise myself i won't sleep until my hands are covered in paint......


stellar lady:: naughti 12:03 AM [+] ::
...

yes, i'm here again

i've had this entire weekend off from work; which in turn has left me with all of this daytime to kill. and so i'm here at my computer attempting to pass the time; waiting for night to come. its gotten to the point where summer definitely needs to end. i'm ready to get back into the swing of things and go back to school.
i went out with rob last night and we went over to this kid rick's house who was havin people over and we all just sat around, drinking and conversating. my friend jackie was there, home from ISU for the week, and we spent the majority of the night catching up, reminiscing about crazy times, and psyching ourselves up for the ones that are yet to come. 5 more days....ISU...here i come...

bittersweet it will be though, for i'll be leaving a lot of things behind...but like my chicas and i said, we're steel. life's hard, but it gets easier...

concerning maynards quote about believing...i'm still unsure as to how i feel towards it...i guess i'm indifferent...its definitely a different perspective than what i'm use to. it strikes something muted and hard to describe within me, but i feel that once you do find something to live for, as its said, it wont just be a fetish or a hobby. it'll be a state of mind, a way of living and devoting yourself to living your life to the fullest with NO limits. itll be a way of dividing one being from societies' influential ignorance. a natural high, both an emotional and mental, healing therapy that is as natural as it gets.

well, thats my piece for today...i'm going to see train, oar, and sheryl crow tonight at tweeter with my roomate sara and her friend jackie. its gonna rule. but then again, i think anything third row would rock. we're some lucky bitches i tell ya. but i guess the $60+ dent in my checking account will remind me that even Luck names it's price, if it was the hand of luck at all.

time to make some phone calls...

check your pulse; its proof that you're not listening to the call your life's been issuing you, the rhythm of a line of idle days, of idle days...
stellar lady:: Anonymous 12:24 PM [+] ::
...

feeeling groooovy.....
mmmm bud light
ahahahaha

mmmmmmmmmmmmm sleeeeeeep

goodnite too all...
can you wake me when we get there?
cuz i dont care
if i see the daighlight
and ill run there
but my knees are weak
and my body it needs
to be close to you
sometimes soon
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:19 AM [+] ::
...

another something to think about
beliefs are also what saves lives..........believe deeply in everything or else you have nothing worthy of living for.....you can't half-ass life, that's something i'm still learning. if you don't truly believe in what u are doing, stop....if you don't have a cause worth believing in, find one....i believe that this maynard james keenan guy believes he has a good quote about believing....i believe his belief about believing is contradicting and rather unbelieving...

movie that is completely fake and contains horrid acting but may be worth the money to see because of beautiful people: XXX
stellar lady:: naughti 10:14 PM [+] ::
...

something to think about

This sort of behavior is left to the psychotic, dogmatic, fundamentalist believers you see on your TV everyday letting off bombs and killing people in the name of God. Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing. - Maynard James Keenan

huh

days till ISU-when my relocation back to blormal will be accompanied by my fellow bloggers:): 6!

another summer passes on; who's still with me? who's still goin strong?

stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:30 PM [+] ::
...

::Quote of the day::

* Brandon : "Drugs are bad, generally speaking......I think of caffeine - I fucking love it. I'm so crazily addicted to that stuff. And tobacco has also been a good friend of mine recently. But as for alcohol - that's liquid courage."

realplayer: Not an Addict by K's Choice
stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:45 PM [+] ::
...

i realize i have absolutely nothing to say, yet i'm here typing. do you ever feel alone when there are so many people reaching out to you? it's just one of those days....realizing that no matter how much people feel they can relate to you and no matter how much you yearn for the understanding of others, you can't help but feel completely alone. don't worry i'm not depressed!!! just did a lot of thinking today, plus i'm really tired. there's just certain things in my life that i can't even begin to understand....i don't know how expect others to relate to me when i don't even know where my emotions lie.....my crazy feelings are concerning many different subjects, so don't read into this as though it is relating to only one. okay, i started writing this at 9:45......and now it is past 11:00....i was distracted by the phone 5 times......but it's all good...i would much rather talk to people i love than type on this computer....
tune i'm currently listening to: just feel the fireworks- jimmy eat world
stellar lady:: naughti 11:25 PM [+] ::
...

"Apropos: it's all very well, this instruction of her's to look at the thing close up; to look at it dead straight between the eyes; an unflinching and honest stare, a meticulous inspection that would go beyond the heart of the matter to its marrow, beyond the marrow to the root--but the question is how far back do you want? how far will do? The old American question: what do you want--blood? Most probably more than blood is required: whispers aside; lost conversations; medals and photographs; lists and certificates, yellowing paper bearing the faint imprint of brown dates. Back, back, back. Well, all right, then. Back to...the day when he involuntarily forgot that most fundamental principle of English manners...where they stood, their ice-pinched toes resting in the same black boots scattered with the same dust...It was a past tense, future perfect kind of night...where if you think you have found two men the same among that multitude, then you are mistaken. It is merely a trick of the moonlight..."
excerpt: White Teeth

movie to see twice(soley based on the fact that you will not understand it the first time around): Snatch

Days till ISU: 8

Currently feeling: content

i really dont have anything to say....just felt like posting...waiting for my ma to get home from the grocery store and my brother from work to see if he wants to go running...

on cold days a man can see his breath, on a hot day he cant. on both occasions, the man breathes.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 5:54 PM [+] ::
...

whatttttttttttttttttt theeeeeeee helllllllllllll issssssssss uuuuuupppp???????????

well the chicks are united once more! it's been a while but bam we're back! countdowning the days before we are once again torn apart....that's life though.......... it's hard at first but you have to hit rock bottom before it gets better, and it will. we've done it before and we will do it again. we're steel ladies........pain is merely an opinion and distance is only an obstacle ...... have courage, be strong, be stellar, love long...........
'merely to exist is not enough'
::samurai, nik, naughti ::

stellar lady:: naughti 10:01 PM [+] ::
...

Suckers~ reel big fish

Hey everybody I’ve got somethin’ to tell,
it's what I learned from relationship hell.
Lust turns to disgust,
a heart of gold into rust,
a soft touch to a slap in the face-
it gets old
it goes away

It never works but we keep tryin' like fools
learning and breaking the rules
At first you're excited
then you're less than delighted
by the end you wish
they would drop dead
it can't last,
it's gone so fast

remember; it gets old. and it goes away.

This one's for all the suckers who still believe in love.
this one's for you.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 8:48 PM [+] ::
...

what happens to a dream deferred?

sleep; its the offset reality where we dream things to be true. and 'dreams may be deceiving, like faces are to hearts, but they serve for sweet relieving, when fantasy and reality lie too far apart'.
ha, aint that the truth.
do you eat sleep?
cuz i dont.
not tonight atleast.

"For fucks sake, what more do you want?

Oh, bloody everything. The whole bloody universe made clear--in a little nutshell. I cannot understand a thing any more, and i am just beginning. but i cannot be worrying-worrying all the time about the truth. i have to worry about the truth that can be lived with. and that is the difference between losing your marbles drinking the salty sea, or swallowing the stuff from the streams. you believe in the talking cure, eh? talk, talk, talk and it will be better. be honest, slice open your heart and spread the red stuff around. but the past is made of more than words, dearie. we married old men, you see? these children will always have daddy-long-legs for fathers. one leg in the present, one in the past. no talking will change this. their roots will always be tangled. and roots get dug up. just look in my garden--birds at the coriander every bloody day..."
-excerpt from white teeth

Reality?
by denise bell

when our sweat dries
you light your cigarette
after i meet your needs
will i be like
the curling smoke
you let disappear in the air

currently listening to: Days Go By by Dirty Vegas

days till ISU: 10

hours left to sleep before waking up for work: approximately 4.5

i will do what i will do, never ever listen to you. wear you out like you wear me out.

karma is a bitch my friend, karma is a bitch.

stellar lady:: Anonymous 3:08 AM [+] ::
...

at times we all need loving people to make us question our lives and whom we allow to touch our lives.....girls, we all have a tremendous capacity to love, i know this as a fact. what i don't know is if there are people in this world with the strength and ability to love us equally...this is where chance comes in. you have to know and trust your own capabilities before you can love the right someone and have the right someone love you. anyone can fall in love with a fool.....and everyone is foolish sometimes. like i've said before, it's so difficult to speak about something like love....just think about the word for minute.....it's an abstact concept, hardly even a feeling. when i say the word love, everyone thinks of something completely different....and yet we long for this shapeless, everchanging idea. some of us have found it and ignored it for various reasons, some haven't found it and tricked ourselves into thinking we have because we want it so bad. the person you love will never make you give up what is important to you, instead he/she will protect your every aspect of importance. he should make you a better person in your life and you the same for him.
For all the people who don't allow themselves the privelige to have us in their lives, i'm sorry for them. i keep using the word "we" because when one of us falls, we all fall. so don't ever feel like you have fell too hard because one of us will pick you up. luv you.

new artist to check out: norah jones

stellar lady:: naughti 12:17 PM [+] ::
...

its funny because no matter how well you think you know a person, it can turn out that you never really knew them at all.
i question his intentions of the past 8 months, i question everything.
my heart hurts, and i'm choking my tears back with my teeth.
i made a promise to myself that i would not be deceived, that i wouldnt fall for bullshit and lies.
but i did, foolishly. i failed to see through it. fortunately though, i did not fall extremely hard. its good to have friends who look out for me.
sometimes you get caught up and dont even realize that you're comprimising your values and accommodating your standards to try and make it work.
i'm through with that now, through with him pretending to be someone he's not.
i can honestly say i regret nothing. he will find the error in his way, and soon realize he fucked up his chances and one of the few good things he had going in his life.
i'm mad at myself, but the wound will heal and i have learned things for next time around.
its on him. when he turns around and and sees i'm gone, it will be his jaw limp with contemplation.

"a kiss blown at oblivion.
realize your universal porportions,
feel what its like to be tiny and rootless.
squander your minutes as
Time mocks your quiet fear,
laughs at your pigeon-step approach,
and sneers at your impotant indecision.
forget your troubles,
try a new life.
open up possibilities,
find a new lease on living.
hindsight is 20/20,
but in life,
there are second chances."
-excerpt from white teeth

kazaa: sensefield
albums soon to purchase: sensefield, reel big fish

i'm letting go & moving on. and now you dont have to give up anything.
i was wrong about you, so very wrong.....

dont call me; i wont know how you are


stellar lady:: Anonymous 2:16 PM [+] ::
...

everything thats keepin them together is falling apart.
i've got this thing i consider my only art;
of fuckin people over.

save yourself.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 11:44 AM [+] ::
...

there are good people out there

with all the angry people in the world, i sometimes wonder where the genuinely good people are. well, sometimes i need a great big reality check .....one woman that i have known for about 13 years is the person i refer back to when i begin to think all people have gone mad. she is 89 years old and her name is mrs. moore. she is the strongest and most selfless person i have ever met and i'm sorry for the many days i have taken her for granted. i usually see her every other friday and sometimes on mondays....but today i'm sorry to say i went to visit her because she is sick. through every story she tells me about her life i realize how beautiful her heart is and how she just keeps giving even when she doesn't think she has the strength to. she cared for her husband who had cancer and passed away about 6 years ago and she took care of her sister who had alzheimers. i don't care how strong you think you are, nothing can prepare you for the long and sad death of a person you love with either of those diseases. i keep forcing the thought out of my mind that she may be getting closer to dying, but as i sat on her couch and she rubbed my arm as she talked, the thought was inevitable. i'm not one to be afraid of death but to feel that someone close to you is going to die is the saddest feeling i've ever known. she did say she felt better than last week and hopefully she will recover fully in the next week. i try to make it a habit to tell her how much she means to me, along with the other people i love in life, because i know life is fragile. it's so hard not to take people for granted, as we often do, instead we should spend time with people as though it is our last time together....because the reality is it just may be....
stellar lady:: naughti 8:27 PM [+] ::
...

slackers

its so easy to get caught up in the throw of day to day life...hence i have been slacking on this blog... also, my computer and i have been having an exchange of words lately...making the task of going online a long and treacherous one at that..but i guess, better late than never.

to recap; ive had an awesome past couple of days...went to the city on mon and tues and tonight i hung out with cristine...it was so good to chill with her...with everything she goes through she still has such a positive outlook on life. being around her it just rubs off and reminds me to live it up while i can. and i'm happy for her because she has found a really great guy....definitely a rare. we came to the conclusion that maybe she wasnt meant to live in the city because she is suppose to be with joey. he's actually moving from the city to about a mile away from her in plainfield. but there we go overanaylizing things again...but hey, its fun.

we grabbed a bite to eat and then rented...now; dont laugh....a walk to remember....and bite your tounge even more.....i loved it! that was such a sad, feel good movie...i thought i wouldnt like it...thought it was going to be some cheesy flick with mandy moore trying to pull off the singer-gone-actress type scandal. but it ruled...i couldnt keep myself from crying as silly as that sounds. its the kind of movie that makes you crave the pure kind of love. i really i hope one day ill be lucky enough to find it.

ahhhh....i have all these thoughts in my head but i cant find the words to articulate them right now; i've got the impending doom of waking up early for work hanging over my head....frustrating, as after 4 years of working at the blue dahlia i am currently making only 7 dollars an hour doing designers work....should be getting paid 11 or 12 like the rest of them..but whaddya gonna do...must remember karma...but i do sense the end of the blue dalia is near....the crew may not be there come winter....

currently reading: white teeth by zadie smith

"does sunset sometimes look like the sun's coming up?
do you know what a faithful love is like?
you're crying. you say you've burned yourself.
but can you think of anyone who's not hazy with smoke?"
rumi

p.s. some well need relief at isu in just a few short days....

promise, you wont fall in love with me.
stellar lady:: Anonymous 1:14 AM [+] ::
...